TOW The Past Isn't At Rest
by Monica-Bing
Summary: **Finished! The Epilogue is now up.**
1. Of Course I'm Alright

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest 

"Of Course I'm Alright" - Prologue

  
Well, I should probably finish the other story before I start a new one, but I've been thinking this through for the past few days and decided to go ahead and start it. I promise it's not a completely generic story - or at least I don't think so. I've never read one like this anyway. You just have to give me time to let the story unfold! Let me know what you think! (Yes, I know it's short, especially for me, but this is just kind of the prologue...)  
  
  
Chandler Bing glanced out the window of his small house in the suburbs, watching for her car. She would be pulling up any minute. He took a deep breath and tried to control his racing heart, praying that his anxiety would not be evident on his face. He watched the black Explorer turn into his driveway, and was out the door and down the steps before she even pulled to a stop. Without so much as a glance at the woman in the front seat, he immediately pulled the back door open and leaned into the car with a smile.  
  
"Hi Emma. Hey sweetheart! Let's get you out of this car seat, okay?" He unhooked the straps as quickly as the baby's arms, flailing with happiness, would allow, and lifted the three-month-old from the car. As soon as Emma was free, she started to gurgle, and reached immediately for Chandler's short hair. Emma was finally contented with grasping the sleeve of his shirt as he lifted her to his shoulder and kissed the top of her head.  
  
"Ohh, I missed my girl. Did you miss Daddy, Emmers?"  
  
Emma just laughed and squirmed in Chandler's arms, and Chandler kissed her head again, closing his eyes to fully enjoy the feel of his daughter in his arms.  
  
"Hi, Chandler."  
  
He opened his eyes reluctantly and glanced at the woman standing in the driveway, watching him with their child. This was the only bad thing about his time with Emma - it meant he had to see her. He turned toward her reluctantly, holding Emma closer, as if she could be his shield. If she looked closely, she could see some emotion in his eyes, but she had stopped trying months ago.  
  
She could never be sure if it was love or hate.  
  
"Hello, Mrs. Burke."  
  
She froze at the utter lack of any warmth in his voice. She should be used to it by now, but she still hated it. It was hard to believe that this man had once whispered promises of love to her in the darkness of the night. And yet it was still harder to believe that Chandler, her best friend, her daughter's father, and the love of her life, could look at her so coldly.  
  
"Don't call me that. I'm not married to Richard."  
  
Chandler gazed at her, studying her beautiful face, but only with callous curiosity.  
  
"Yet."  
  
Monica sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. This was harder than almost anything…even harder than the next three days without Emma would be. She didn't want it to be like this. And she certainly didn't want Emma to pick up on the tension. But she didn't know what else she could do.  
  
"Chandler, please…For Emma's sake, don't do this."  
  
"Hmm, I guess I could have said the same thing to you when you accepted Richard's proposal. But, well, you know."  
  
Monica looked up, her eyes shooting fire.   
  
"Don't start with me, Chandler. I never lied to you. Never."  
  
"Never, huh? Well, maybe you didn't "lie" about that, but you didn't make absolutely sure that I knew, did you? You just let me go on believing that…"  
  
He paused, and this time the pain in his eyes was easy to see. He glanced down at Emma, who was studying her father's face closely, and sighed. He shook his head slowly, his eyes fixed on his daughter's face.   
  
"Never mind, Mon. It's all in the past, and no amount of arguing will change anything. We can't change anything."  
  
Monica sighed too, and leaned against the side of the Explorer, reaching out to stroke Emma's cheek. The baby's gaze never shifted from Chandler's face. She was definitely a Daddy's girl, which made Monica more than a little jealous. But she was grateful, for Chandler's sake, for the unique bond he had with Emma. She leaned over to kiss her daughter's forehead, then reached into the backseat to grab a large bag.   
  
"Here are all of her things. Do you want me to pick her up on Monday, or would you rather bring her over?"  
  
Chandler thought about asking if he could take her to Rachel's and Joey's instead, but he knew that was being completely childish. Finally, he shrugged.  
  
"If you don't mind picking her up…"   
  
He hated taking Emma "home". It only reminded him of the fact that he was basically a weekend father, the very last thing he had ever wanted to be. And it was hard for him to go to that apartment, because it only reminded him of all the things he had planned for them. A life they would never have. He avoided thinking about it at all costs, but it was impossible to look at Emma - to see Monica's smile and her cute little nose - and not remember.  
  
"No, I don't mind. I'll be here about nine?"  
  
Chandler nodded, and reluctantly gave up Emma so Monica could say goodbye. He knew how much Monica dreaded leaving Emma. It was just as difficult for her now as it had been the very first time. He thought fleetingly that this wasn't how it should be. They should both be with her, all the time, and no one should ever have to leave. But that wasn't to be. And the large diamond ring on Monica's left hand brutally pounded the message into his head - and painfully into his heart.  
  
Monica reluctantly passed Emma back to Chandler, looking at her longingly. She handed Chandler the bag, and opened the car door, stopping to look back at father and daughter.  
  
"Take care of our little girl, okay?"   
  
Chandler nodded silently, glancing at the child in his arms. For some odd reason, the fact that Monica continually made reference to Emma being "theirs" always made him swallow hard and fight tears. When he looked back up, Monica was already in the car and turning the ignition. He waited until she was out of sight before he buried his head against Emma's little body and let himself cry.

"Of Course I'm Alright" 

_Alabama_

Why do you ask? 

_Of course I'm alright_

_Guess I wasn't thinking I'd run into you tonight_

_Do I seem surprised?_

_Guess you caught me off guard_

_Yes, I'm really doing fine._

_No, it hasn't been that hard._

_How 'bout you?_

_Getting on with your life…_

_There's so much to tell you_

_But I won't even try._

_My, it's good to see you_

_How long has it been?_

_I must admit I think about you_

_Every now and then_

_Like when I open my eyes._

_When I lay down at night._

_And every moment ever since the day you said goodbye_

_But you'll never know_

_Cause I'll keep it inside_

_How'm I doing without you?_

_Of course I'm alright_  
_Well to tell you the truth_

_Guess I have felt better_

_God just look at you_

_You make it look so easy_

_I can see it on your face_

_Everything we used to be_

_Is gone without a trace…_

_If you wanna know _

_Right now I'm sinking fast_

_Girl, you always could see right behind this mask_

_But I won't give it away_

_Gonna keep it inside_

_How'm I doing without you?_

_Of course I'm alright._

_If you don't wan to know the truth_

_Of course I'm alright._

  
  
  
  
  
To Be Continued...


	2. I'm Not Supposed To Love You

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest  
"I'm Not Supposed To Love You"  
  
Oh, yeah, I don't own these characters, except for maybe Emma, but legally, I probably couldn't claim her either.   
  
  
Monica walked into Apartment 20, already dreading the lonely silence the weekend was sure to bring. She glanced around the meticulous living room, wishing she had at least left some of Emma's things scattered around. But her compulsive nature wouldn't let her leave the apartment without having it spotless. She sighed and made her way to the room that had years ago been Rachel's. Now it was Emma's. She stood in the doorway and smiled sadly to herself when she remembered the day she and Chandler had argued over how to use the room. She had always planned for it to be a nursery…someday. She wondered fleetingly if Chandler had planned for that too, but shook her head, refusing to believe it. He might be a doting father now, but she was sure that he'd never thought about such things. Not before Emma.   
  
Monica exhaled sharply and turned around. This always happened. Every time. Well, she wouldn't let herself. She grabbed her keys and cell phone and walked across the hall, pulling her door closed behind her. She knocked briefly on the door before she opened it, and was relieved to find Rachel sitting on the counter, eating ice cream and reading a book. Rachel looked up and grinned when she saw Monica.   
  
"Hey Mon. Where's Emma?"  
  
"With Chandler…"  
  
Rachel nodded in understanding and jumped off the counter, offering Monica a spoon and the ice cream carton. Monica took it sullenly and ate a spoonful before speaking again.  
  
"Do you want to go shopping or something? I don't want to stay home all by myself."  
  
Rachel nodded again, not one to turn down shopping under any circumstances. Besides, this was per usual when Chandler had Emma. But Rachel had her own suspicions that these bouts of minor depression had as much to do with seeing Chandler as it did with being away from Emma.  
  
"Sure. You have your credit card?"  
  
Monica smiled slightly. "I have Richard's."  
  
"Even better! Bloomie's?"  
  
"Sounds good. But I have to be back by six. Richard's picking me up for dinner with his daughter and son-in-law."  
  
Rachel giggled. "Well, Mon, pretty soon you'll have a "daughter" that's been married longer than you have!"  
  
"Not funny, Rach."  
  
Rachel watched Monica's face closely, trying to figure out what she was thinking. She had been good at it at one time…but not anymore. With a sigh, she grabbed a light jacket and pulled Monica out the door. Maybe she could get Monica to open up a little while they were trying on dresses and - it was inevitable - both spending all of their money on cute outfits for Emma and buying nothing at all for themselves.  
  
  
  
Monica glanced at her watch again as she entered the apartment with several bags. She only had half an hour to get ready for dinner, but she was unconcerned. She didn't spend as much time getting ready anymore. She chalked it up to being an "engaged" woman, but truthfully, she just hadn't felt like it in awhile. Besides, Richard wouldn't mind if she didn't look perfect.  
  
She glanced through the dresses in her closet, wondering why she hadn't bought something while she and Rachel were shopping. Nothing appealed to her, though she could again fit into almost everything she had worn before Emma. She finally pulled out a simple black dress that fit almost any occasion, and slipped into some heels. With a dab of lipstick and a clip for her hair, she was ready - with almost twenty minutes to spare.   
  
Monica wandered over to the window seat and sat down, staring out the window as she waited for her fiancé to arrive. As usual, her thoughts immediately jumped to a day she had sat in this same spot, staring out at the same scene. She couldn't help remembering, no matter how much she tried not to think about it. That was the day everything changed forever…  
  
  
  
Ten months earlier…  
  
  
  
Monica stared at the window, trying to make sense of the news she had heard only a few hours ago. Chandler was going to go absolutely frantic. Or maybe he wouldn't… Well, it didn't matter, because it wasn't like she could keep from telling him.   
  
Honey, we're having a baby!  
  
And she thought he wasn't going to go all "Chandler" on her? Was SHE crazy?   
  
Monica closed her eyes and tried to imagine what Chandler's response was going to be. Convincing herself that no matter how many stages it took, he was going to be happy about it in the end, she decided that he would probably run out the door, disappear for a few hours, but reappear before they really had time to worry. He would walk back in the door with a smile on his face, and pull her into his arms. He'd whisper that he loved her, and that everything was going to be okay, and then he would pull away and repeat the words with the biggest grin she had ever seen.  
  
Honey, we're having a baby!  
  
She jumped when Chandler walked through the door, interrupting her daydream. Chandler smiled when he saw her sitting in the shadows, and her heart leapt at the contented look on his face. He came over and kissed her hello, then sat down with her and wrapped his arms around her.  
  
"Hey beautiful," he whispered in her ear, sending chills down her spine. She turned her head for another kiss and gazed into his eyes.  
  
"Hi. How was your day?"  
  
Chandler smiled again and kissed her forehead.   
  
"It was fine. But I hope tonight will make it even better."  
  
Monica gazed at him for another long moment, trying to decide if she should break her news to him now. She decided to wait and see if the opportunity arose over dinner. For some reason, he was awfully excited about their date tonight, and that made her excited too. Which reminded her… A quick glance at her watch told her they would have to leave in less than an hour.  
  
"Sweetie, I'd better go get ready."  
  
Chandler nodded and released her, following her into the bedroom. He was already changed and in the living room before Monica even decided which dress to wear. She left her hair flowing around her shoulders and cast a quick glance in the mirror. Yes, Chandler should approve. She smoothed the dress with one hand, letting it rest momentarily over her stomach and wondering - if anyone even knew about the baby - if they would be able to tell. She pushed the thoughts aside and walked out of the bedroom, a little surprised to find all of their friends in the living room with Chandler.   
  
"Hi guys," she greeted them, as she walked over. They all just looked back at her, looking rather…silly. She raised her eyebrows and looked at Chandler as he turned around and gave her that heart-stopping smile that made her heart pound every time.  
  
"You look beautiful."  
  
She looked up at him with a smile, placing a hand on the shoulder of his coat.  
  
"Oh… thank you."  
  
She glanced at the other four, wondering why they all looked so…sappy. It was almost as if they knew…  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
Rachel sounded awfully close to tears as she said something about the charity event, but Monica wasn't paying that much attention. She was looking at Chandler, mesmerized by the look of nervous happiness on his face. And she knew it was reflected on hers…  
  
  
  
The Present…  
  
  
  
A sharp knock on the door brought her back from her thoughts, and Monica rose reluctantly to open the door for Richard. She was not looking forward to dinner, and all she could think about was the fact that Chandler was probably rocking Emma to sleep at that very moment. Monica only wished she could be there.  
  


  
  
"_I'm Not Supposed To Love You"_

_Bryan White_

_We agreed that it was over_

_Now the lines have all been drawn_

_The vows we made began to fade_

_But now they're gone_

_Put your pictures in a shoebox_

_And my gold ring in a drawer_

_I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

_Now Sherry say she's jealous_

_Of this freedom that I've found_

_If she were me, she would be out on the town_

_And she says she can't imagine_

_What on earth I'm waiting for.  
I'm not supposed to love you anymore._

_Oh, I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are._

_And I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart_

_I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before_

_'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

_Now I'm writing you this letter and it's killing me tonight_

_That I agreed when you believed it wasn't right_

_And I couldn't sleep up on the bed, so I'm down here on the floor_

_Where I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

_Oh, I shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are_

_And I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart_

_I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before_

_'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore_

_I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before_

_'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore._

  
Well, I decided that it would be much less confusing to do only one "flashback" per chapter, so I'm going to end this one here. Next chapter coming soon! And yes, I'm still going to continue "TOW Chandler Knows the Future" but right now I'm more inspired for this one. =)


	3. You Were Mine

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest  
"You Were Mine"

  
"In My Arms" is sung by Mark Wills, and is on his album "Permanently". None of the characters are mine. And as for all the lines that come directly from the show...I didn't write them either. =)  
  
  
  
Emma hated going to sleep. Chandler knew it as well as anyone. She didn't fuss - usually - but she used all of her young strength to keep her eyes from fluttering closed. Chandler often thought ruefully that she got her stubbornness from Monica. But in a way, he was glad of it at moments like this. It gave him an excuse to keep holding her and rocking her, and pretending that he would never have to let her go.   
  
Her eyes were glued to his face as he sang to her softly, his voice catching as he struggled not to let the tears fall. He always sang this song to her, and Emma loved it. (AN: It just seemed to fit...)  
  
3 am on the clock  
Lullaby music box  
Oh, baby, please don't cry.  
Let's let Mama sleep tonight.  
You've only been home one day.  
You don't even know your name.  
Tiny hand on my cheek,  
You're a miracle to me.  
In the stillness of the night,  
Cradled in this rocking chair,  
I hold all my hopes and dreams  
Every single answered prayer  
In my arms...  
With I could hold you forever  
In my arms...  
I will give you shelter  
Still I know  
I can't always be there  
To protect you from this great big ole' world  
But I swear this much is true.  
There'll always be a place for you  
In my arms.  
  
As I watch you take each breath  
Oh, it scares me to death  
To know you're counting on me  
To be the Daddy that you need.  
Wounded knees and broken hearts  
Learning how to drive a car.  
When it's time for your first date,  
Will I know just what to say?  
When you find that one true love,  
I'll put on my best smile,  
And I'll try to hide my tears  
As I walk you down the aisle  
In my arms...  
With I could hold you forever  
In my arms...  
I will give you shelter  
Still I know  
I can't always be there  
To protect you from this great big ole' world  
But I swear this much is true.  
There'll always be a place for you  
In my arms.  
Oh, this promise I will keep  
As you finally fall asleep...  
In my arms.  
  
As he sang the last lines, Chandler realized that Emma was indeed asleep. He stood up slowly, careful not to wake her up, and carried her into his bedroom. He lay down beside her on the bed, and lifted a tiny hand, wrapping her little fingers around his thumb, and marveling at how perfect she was. She looked like Monica. There was no doubt about that. And amazingly enough, she even slept like Monica. He had thought it might be hard to love someone that looked so much like a woman he wanted to hate, but he never stood a chance. From the moment he saw her that very first time, he had fallen instantly, hopelessly in love. And the feeling was mutual. Emma looked at him with innocent adoration, the kind reserved only for a father. His heart was safe with her. She could never break it.   
  
Not like her mother did.  
  
Chandler shook his head to keep from thinking about it, and carefully picked up Emma and laid her on his chest. Her hands instinctively gripped the sides of his shirt, and she shifted slightly before settling down again with a happy sigh. He crossed his arms over her protectively and closed his eyes, thinking that only one thing in the world could be better than this. But before he could let himself imagine, he pulled himself back to the present and sighed. Emma was here now. Wasn't that what mattered?   
  
He lay there with his eyes closed, listening to his daughter's quiet breathing and stroking her back gently. Eventually, she lulled him to sleep, and his dreams - as they all-too-often did - took him back to the last time he had been completely happy...  
  
  
Fade to Chandler's Dream - Ten months ago...  
  
  
Chandler gazed at Monica as she touched up her makeup, completely captivated by her. He couldn't believe that in just a few short minutes, she would - he hoped! - be his fiancée. Wait! Did he have the ring? He started frantically searching his pockets, sighing with relief when he finally felt the small box in his left inside jacket pocket. Okay, he had the ring, but Monica was looking at him rather strangely.   
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
Okay, think of something, anything to say, so that she won't figure it out. Am I really blathering about the pledge of allegiance?? Yep, that's romantic. Thank God, the champagne is here.  
  
Monica glanced at him worriedly and patted his arm.   
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"Yes, yes, I'm good. Are you good? Are you great? Is everything, are you per, perfe, perfect?"  
  
God, she's going to think I'm an idiot. Will she marry an idiot? Well, she did sleep with me in London, so maybe.   
  
"Yeah, I'm okay." Her voice was perplexed, but she didn't appear to want to push the issue. "Actually, I'm a little cold though. Can I have your jacket?"  
  
Chandler immediately started to shrug out of his jacket, but suddenly remembered that a key part for the proposal he was about to make was secured in the pocket. He pulled it back over his shoulders, and gave her an apologetic glance as he stumbled through an excuse about being cold himself.   
  
"If you thought you were going to be cold, you should have brought your own jacket." She'd never believe that. When had he ever denied her his jacket? "But, um, other than that, are you okay?"  
  
Monica laughed slightly, appearing ready to chalk his odd behavior up to champagne... which he noticed that she hadn't yet even tasted.   
  
"Are you sure you're okay?"  
  
Chandler smiled at her and sighed, leaning back in his chair and trying to relax. He wanted this to be perfect, not for his sake but for hers. He looked at her and tried a smile, hoping his nervousness wasn't apparent on his face.  
  
"Yes, I'm fine. In fact I've been fine for a long time now and I think that the reason is you."  
  
Monica smiled her special smile, the one that was constantly convincing him that she really did love him. "Aw, that's sweet!"  
  
Okay, good sign. She likes me so far... Okay, so keep going, Chandler!  
  
"Okay, um before I met you I had really...little life, and I couldn't imagine growing old with-"  
  
"Oh my god," Monica interrupted, her gaze going from him to the door and back again. Chandler grinned, thinking that she had figured it out.  
  
"I know, but let me finish."  
  
"No, oh my god, Richard!"  
  
Chandler stared at her in disbelief, amazed that she had just said Richard's name.  
  
"What? I'm CHANDLER."  
  
Monica shot him a look, and gestured to the doorway. Chandler turned around slowly, already knowing what awaited him. And sure enough...  
  
"Oh, THAT'S Richard."  
  
Chandler woke with a start, and realized quickly that he was in a cold sweat. He looked down at Emma, who was still sleeping peacefully, unaware of her father's living nightmare. At least she was undisturbed.  
  
Chandler closed his eyes, his mind going back to that moment in the restaurant when all of his dreams started to dissolve into this life he now led. He couldn't help wondering what would have happened if Richard had never showed up that night. If he had been thirty seconds later, she might have already said yes. If they had gone to another restaurant, or gone a little earlier, a little later. If he had only been cool and collected, and not babbled his way through the beginning of his speech. There were so many "if only"s, and as hopeless as he knew them to be, he couldn't stop forming all of these alternate scenarios of the way things should have happened. And in every one, he and Monica were married, and happy, and as in love as they had ever been. They lived a life that didn't include Richard.  
  
But, in reality, that wasn't the way things were. Richard was very much a part of Monica's life, and that made him part of Chandler's as well. Or at least the destruction of it. Thank God he at least had Emma. Richard could never take her away. Not really. But Chandler, as hard as he tried to be, wasn't oblivious to the fact that his daughter would grow up thinking of Richard as a father.  
  
Chandler closed his eyes again, knowing he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. He tightened his arms around Emma, and tried not to let himself wonder where Monica was at the moment, if she was with Richard, and whether or not she was happy. And as much as he tried not to care... as much as he tried to convince himself that the act he put on every time he was face to face with her was how he really felt... he couldn't keep from whispering "I love you" into the darkness, pretending the words were for Emma but knowing that he still harbored a naïve wish that she would hear them, wherever she was, and know... 

"You Were Mine" Dixie Chicks 

**To make it fit with the story, change all the "she"s to "he"s.  Thanks!**

_I can't find a reason to let go._

_Even though you've found a new love_

_And she's what your dreams are made of_

_I can find a reason to hang on_

_What went wrong can be forgiven_

_Without you it ain't worth livin' alone_

_Sometimes I wake up crying at night_

_And sometimes I scream out your name_

_What right does she have to take you away_

_When for so long you were mine…_

_Took out all the pictures of our wedding day._

_It was a time of love and laughter  
Happy ever after._

_But even those old pictures have begun to fade._

_Please tell me she's not real_

_And that you're really coming home to stay._

_Sometimes I wake up crying at night_

_And sometimes I scream out your name___

_What right does she have to take you away_

_When for so long you were mine…_

_I can give you two good reasons_

_To show you love's not blind_

_He's two and she's four _

_And you know they adore you_

_So how can I tell them you changed your mind?_

_Sometimes I wake up crying at night_

_And sometimes I scream out your name_

_What right does she have to take your heart away_

_When for so long you were mine._

_I remember when you were mine.___

  
  
  
To Be Continued...


	4. When He Wakes Up

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest 

"When He Wakes Up" 

_And now we begin to get into the real story…_

Monica sighed as Richard closed the door behind them and followed her to the couch. The evening had been horrible. She'd gotten along fine with Michelle the first time around with Richard, but she was beginning to suspect that was because Michelle had been living far away and Monica never had to see her. And after the fateful phone call when Monica had heard Michelle's voice on Richard's machine, Monica had always felt just a little uncomfortable with her. But now, Michelle just seemed like a spoiled brat that enjoyed manipulating her father. 

And then, over dinner, Michelle and her husband Paul had announced that they were pregnant – again. Monica hadn't missed the look that crossed Richard's face and the quick, worried glance he had shot towards her. She wasn't stupid – she knew Richard hoped she would be content to let Emma be an only child. So that look and Richard's unspoken apprehension had ruined any possibility of a nice evening that was left after she realized she would be a "grandmother" of sorts, not only to the unborn child, but to Michelle and Paul's two other children as well.

But the truth was, Monica had already decided that she wouldn't have any other children. Emma was enough, but not because Richard wanted her to be. Monica had realized as soon as Emma was born that she didn't want to share that experience with Richard. Even though she and Chandler were certainly not on good terms at Emma's birth – in fact, even worse than they were now, if possible – sharing that moment with him had almost made it all worthwhile. 

Almost.

And to top the whole horrible evening off, she missed Emma. Terribly. All she could think about was Emma. For just a moment, she allowed herself to wonder if Chandler missed Emma this much when he was away from her, but she quickly pushed the thought away. There was no question about it. She saw it in his eyes every time she dropped Emma off or picked her up. And it haunted her, because in spite of everything, she had made the choice that made this their lives. No matter what else had happened to contribute to it – and Chandler certainly had to share in the blame – _she_ had made the choice. 

She glanced at Richard as she kicked off her shoes, wondering if he had any idea what she was thinking. Then she sighed and leaned over to kiss him softly, hoping to make up for her listlessness all evening. With the exception of his reaction to Michelle's news, he had done nothing to deserve her behavior. He loved her – she had no doubt of that. He couldn't help it if she…

Monica stopped her thought process abruptly and pulled away. She ignored Richard's hurt face and looked down at her hands, suddenly wanting to be by herself.

"Richard…I'm really tired. Maybe you should just go."

He nodded slightly and leaned over to kiss the top of her head.

"Honey…are you okay? You've seemed awfully distant tonight."

"I…I'm fine. I just, miss Emma, I guess. You know I hate it when she's gone."

"I can help you take your mind off Emma if you want me to…" Monica had to force herself not to roll her eyes at his not too subtle suggestion, and looked up at him with a wry smile.

"Sweetie, you promised we'd wait until after the wedding. It's only…less than two months."

"I know. But we haven't had sex in like, four years!" Richard smiled as he said it, and Monica had to laugh at the exaggeration. Well, it wasn't really an exaggeration – it was true. They hadn't had sex since they got engaged. Which meant they hadn't slept together since the last time they had tried being "racquetball buddies". She'd used the pregnancy as an excuse in the beginning, and though they both knew it wasn't a real excuse, Richard hadn't objected, not wanting to push the issue. Then, after the birth, there was an actual, medical excuse. And when the doctor had given her the okay, Monica decided that it would be romantic to wait until their wedding night. And Richard humored her, because he knew that he was lucky to be marrying her, no matter what the circumstances that had led her to him, and he didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. 

"Well, babe, if you've waited four years for me, you can wait two more months." Monica tried her best to sound lighthearted and teasing, but she really just wanted him to leave.

Richard leaned in and kissed her forehead, then took her hand.

"I think I'd wait forever for you."

Monica gazed back at him, then looked down at her hands as she twisted the diamond around her finger, not in the mood to be romanced. Richard sighed when she didn't respond, but he was used to these moods. She was right – she got like this every time Emma was with Chandler. Richard just hoped that these bouts of depression wouldn't last for the rest of their lives. Richard hated the fact that Monica's life would invariably be tied to Chandler's forever – but there was no way he could change that. 

"Okay, sweetie, I'll go." He kissed her gently and stood up, letting one hand linger on her cheek. "Sweet dreams, Mon. I love you."

Monica looked up at him, knowing that she was going to have to say it back. She'd almost gotten used to it – saying "I love you" to someone other than Chandler. And some days – some days she even believed she meant it. But not tonight. Tonight she knew she didn't. And she found that she couldn't force herself to say the words.

"You too, honey." 

Richard didn't miss the absence of the one essential word in the phrase, but he left without another word. He knew that he wouldn't feel secure until she had said "I do" and allowed him to slip the gold band he had bought last week onto her finger. He knew Monica well enough to know that once she was married, she would stay married at all costs. And he would be content to have her, even if he knew, deep down, that he didn't have her heart.

Monica rolled onto her stomach, trying to find a comfortable position so she could sleep away her loneliness. It wasn't working. She turned onto her side and glanced at the clock. 2:47. 

Her gaze fell on her ring, lying on the table beside her watch. It was beautiful, and she knew that Richard had spent a lot of time and money trying to find what he thought was the perfect ring for her. She'd never tell Richard, but it wasn't what she wanted. Which was funny, because in all of the years she had spent dreaming about the perfect guy and the perfect wedding and the perfect family, she had never even tried to envision the perfect ring. 

Monica shifted again, this time onto her back. She stared at the ceiling, wishing that Emma was home. Watching Emma sleeping had the same calming effect that watching Chandler had given her…before. Maybe it was because Emma looked so much like him when she was asleep. Or maybe it was because Emma was the only part of him that Monica had left to hold on to.

But that wasn't her own fault. Not completely. She and Chandler just weren't meant to be. She had believed that. How could she have chosen as she did if she didn't believe that? But, knowing how much Chandler loved Emma, and seeing how much her choice hurt him, she couldn't help thinking that she had made the wrong choice on that fateful night.

Ten months ago… 

After Richard has "proposed" and after Chandler started his "I don't believe in marriage" act. . The conversation at the pizza parlor already happened, but Monica never told Joey about Richard wanting to marry her. 

Monica left her bed as quietly as she could and crept into the living room, where Chandler was asleep on the couch. She looked at him carefully, noticing that his face looked relaxed and peaceful. Usually when she made him sleep on the couch, he looked upset or even sad when she quietly came out to check on him. But tonight he didn't seem at all affected by the fact that he wasn't in bed with her, or by the fight they'd had at lunch and again after dinner. And that made everything worse, because she considered _this_ fight to be the worst ever. 

She sat down on the coffee table and studied his face. How could he look so happy when their entire future was crashing down around them? He knew how much his comments had hurt her. She had told him – loudly – when he finally came home. He had dismissed her with a shrug, as if to tell her that she either had to live with views on marriage, or live without him. She just couldn't believe that her loving, compassionate Chandler had suddenly changed completely. Apparently that phone call from Hilde at the museum had sent him over the edge. She kept hearing his voice saying the same words over and over.

_"Why would anybody ever want to get married, huh?… I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural… _And the clincher – his answer to her direct question…_Are you honestly telling me that-that you might never want to get married? Well, never say never, but y'know, probably, uh yeah, never."_

She didn't understand it, not at all, but he had made himself perfectly clear. He had no intention of marrying her. Ever. This was a dead-end. She wanted…she deserved…all of the things she had dreamed about all of her life. And that included marriage. It wasn't fair that the man she loved was unwilling to give that to her.

But a man she had loved once, before she knew how deep love could be…He would. He wanted to. And he had asked her to let him. 

Monica gazed at Chandler for another long moment, his voice still running through her mind like a broken record. She wasn't even mad anymore. Not really. She was just…sad. She wiped away the tears and knelt down beside him, running her fingers through his hair. Then she kissed his forehead gently and stood up. Chandler slept on, oblivious to her presence, her tortured thoughts, and most of all to the decision she made as she gazed at his sleeping face. 

The Present 

Monica slowly opened her eyes and looked out into darkness. For a split second, she could almost feel Chandler next to her, and she stayed perfectly still for a moment, knowing that once she moved the illusion would be shattered. 

She sighed as she rolled over and let her eyes fall on her engagement ring shrouded in green light from her alarm clock, which now read 4:18. She lay there staring at it until the bright numbers flicked to 6:00 and the radio blasted on. 

And just as she had nearly a year ago, she made a decision.

When She Wakes Up Tim McGraw 

_**Substitute "He" For "She" to make it fit with the story…**_

With a trembling pen in hand 

_I try the best I can_

_To write all reasons I can't stay_

_And I hope she'll understand_

_I can't leave her like a man_

_'Cause a man would never leave her this way_

_A note of things I should've said_

_Lies beside her sleeping head_

_As I turn and make my way off in the night_

_By the time the morning's breakin'_

_My heart will still be achin'  
Every time I think of what I've left behind._

_'Cause I don't want to see me leaving in her eyes_

_And I can't stand to watch her watch me make her cry_

_And I don't know a right way I can do her wrong_

_So I don't want to be here in the morning_

_When she wakes up and finds me gone_

_It hurts to know how much she'll hurt_

_I've told myself things could be worse_

_And I've convinced myself she'd better off this way_

_By the time she finds I'm gone_

_I'll be a long, long way from home_

_When she reads a note of things I couldn't say_

_'Cause I don't wanna see me leavin' in her eyes_

_And I can't stand to watch her watch me make her cry_

_And I don't know a right way I can do her wrong_

_So I don't want to be here in the morning_

_When she wakes up and finds me gone_

_Lord, I don't wanna be here in the morning_

_When she wakes up and finds me gone._

_To Be Continued…_


	5. Against All Odds

Chapter Five – Against All Odds

Emma's soft whimpers pulled Chandler out of his light sleep.  He sat up carefully, stroking her back as he held her up on his shoulder so that she would feel him close by as soon as she woke up completely.  But that didn't stop her from nearly deafening him with full-blown wails as she snapped into full consciousness.  He held her close and rocked her gently back and forth, wanting to cry along with her.  

"Shhh, sweetie.  Daddy's here.  Don't cry, Emma, please.  Daddy hates it when you cry."  He stood up slowly, still bouncing her in his arms as he walked out of his bedroom and into Emma's.  Strange that he had a room all set up for her, but she never used it.  She slept with him, and he had never considered having it any other way.  He didn't think he could stand to let her fall asleep in the next room and be away from her for even a second when he finally had the chance to spend time with her.  But the changing table, dry diapers, and everything else that was important stayed in the nursery, so at least it served some purpose.

He changed her quickly, rather proud that he had already learned the process so well.  After heating up a bottle, he sat down with her in the rocking chair, smiling down at the precious little girl that had completely stolen his heart.  She looked back at him with Monica's clear blue eyes, enjoying the safety and comfort of her father's arms.

"You look like your mama, do you know that?  Almost exactly like her.  But that's okay, because Mama is the most beautiful woman in the world.  And I know you're going to be even more beautiful, and you'll drive all the boys crazy, just like Monica.  You're going to break hearts, sweetie.  It's inevitable.  I just hope none of those poor boys are truly in love with you when you do.  If so, they have my sympathy."

Emma gazed back at him as she sucked from the bottle, her eyes never straying from his face.  Chandler loved it.  He loved being the center of someone's universe, even if it was only for a day or two at a time, and it was even better because she was the center of his.  The only thing he seemed to have left.

"I love you, baby girl.  More than I guess you'll ever know…  And I'm going to spend my whole life loving you so much that it will make up for how I acted when Mommy told me about you."

Emma squirmed and pushed aside the bottle.  Chandler swallowed hard as he lifted her to his shoulder, hugging her tightly as memories of The Night swam through his head, and he couldn't help remembering everything he tried so hard to forget every time he looked at his daughter.

Once again, ten months ago…

"Monica?  Monica!"  Chandler shut the door behind him and looked around the empty apartment.  "Honey?  Are you here?"  He practically skipped to the bedroom, his excitement about his plans for the evening making him giddy.  "Monica?"

The bedroom was empty.  He checked Rachel's old bedroom to be sure, but it was empty too.  He had expected her to be here when he got home, especially since she had left before he even woke up that morning, without waking him to say goodbye or even leaving a note.  Hmmm.  It was possible that she was still mad at him about yesterday.  But that was okay, because as soon as she heard about the plan, she would forgive him for all that.  

            He sat down on the couch and pulled the ring box out of his pocket.  It was the perfect ring for Monica.  He could not wait to put it on her finger, and know that she was really going to be his forever.  If only she would come home so he could do it!

            He heard the door open behind him and turned around quickly, a huge smile lighting up his face as he quickly stuck the ring back in his pocket.  

"Hey!"

Monica stared at him for a moment, as if trying to figure out what he was doing there.  Yep, she was definitely still mad. 

"Honey, please don't be mad at me.  I want to talk about what happened yesterday.  Come sit down," Chandler pleaded, trying to ignore all the warning bells going off in his head. Monica was still standing in the doorway.  She hadn't even moved to take off her coat.  Chandler finally stood up, and walked over to her slowly, trying to gauge the look on her face.  She didn't look really mad, just sort of…hopeless.

"Sweetie, what is it?  What's wrong?  Did something happen?"  Chandler forgot about everything else but his concern for her, as she finally sighed and started to slowly shrug out of her coat.  She glanced at him again, and he could tell that she was fighting tears.  

"Mon?"

"Chandler, I think you're right.  We need to talk.  About yesterday…about a lot of things."

Chandler nodded and followed her over to the couch, his anxiety being replaced by exhilaration as he imagined the look on her face when he explained the whole thing.  He sat down and reached for her hand, surprised when she flinched and pulled it away from him.  

"Monica -"

"No, Chandler.  Let me go first.  Please."

He nodded, trying not to look disappointed.  He thought he could make everything okay with just four words, but she looked so serious.  

"Okay.  Go ahead."

Monica gazed at him silently, closing her eyes briefly before she spoke.

"Chandler…I'm two months pregnant."

He was aware that he should probably say something, but he was just too shocked to speak.  He stared at her in amazement, his mind trying to comprehend the fact that he was going to be a father.  And then, just as his heart finally figured out that she meant they were going to have a baby, and that this was very, very good news, her next words made his blood run cold.

"And I'm going to marry Richard."

God, she hadn't meant to say it like that.  She had spent the whole day trying to figure out how to tell him.  She had been prepared for him to panic when she told him about the baby.  She had even wistfully told herself that she should be prepared for a possible spur of the moment proposal – after all, wasn't pregnancy his number one reason to get married?  Which was strange if he didn't believe in marriage…  But it hadn't occurred to her that he would sit there in absolute silence, shock written all across his face. She had expected…well, _something_.  For him to be Chandler, for goodness sake!  So, when he didn't panic, she did.  

She winced at the look on his face and for a moment, she wished she could take the words back.  This wasn't how she had wanted to tell him.  She had wanted to explain how she felt, and all of her reasons for accepting Richard's proposal, and at least try to make him understand why she had to.  But she had done none of those things, and now she sat watching him as his shocked, pain-filled eyes slowly turned angry and he jumped off the couch.  

"You're going to marry HIM?  How could you??  **_WHY _**would you?"

Monica stared at his red face.  He was positively seething.  But then his gaze shifted to her stomach, and his face went pale.  

"Oh my God."

"Chandler, sit down, please.  We need to talk about-"

"You **_cheated_** on me."  

"What?!"

 "For two **_months_**, Monica?  How long was it before that?  The whole time we've been together?  Huh?"

"Chandler, what are-"

"How could you do this to me?  How could…"  He stopped and glanced at her abdomen again.  "God, Monica, I **_loved_** you!  I was going to…"  He trailed off and closed his eyes in an effort to hide his tears.  He didn't want her to know how deeply hurt he really was. 

"Chandler, please!  Let me explain."

"What is there to explain, Mon?  You got knocked up, and now you're going to marry the bastard.  I can't believe I actually thought…Ugh, I hope you and that…that old TREE are both perfectly miserable for the rest of your lives."

Monica stared at him, his words finally sinking in.  He thought the baby was Richard's.  Oh, god, of course he would.  Why would he think anything else, after the way she had announced it?  She had completely screwed up.  She tried to find her voice, hoping she could make him listen long enough to make him understand that he was the father – that she had never… but the words refused to cooperate.  Just as she managed to whisper his name, the door slammed behind him, and he was gone.

Chandler had no idea how long he'd been walking.  It felt like years, and all he knew was that he wanted to get as far away from Monica Geller as he could.  But when he finally looked up, he realized that he must have been walking in circles, because he was only a block or two from his apartment building.  He stood in the middle of the sidewalk, wondering what he should do next.  He certainly couldn't go back to his apartment – Monica was there, and nothing in the world could make him go anywhere near her at the moment.  He couldn't go to their friends…he just wasn't in the mood for questions, and there was always the tiny chance that Monica might be out looking for him…though he really couldn't think of a good reason why she would be.  

He saw the bright window of Central Perk, and ducked inside before he could convince himself not to.  He noted with relief that none of his friends were sitting on the couch.  He ordered coffee and sat down at a table in the back, suddenly realizing that he was so cold he was shaking.  He should have grabbed a jacket as he stormed out.  He sipped the warm liquid, shutting his eyes tightly as if he could block out the words and images that were flying through his mind.    

Monica…his Monica…and Richard.  It was the cruelest joke that had ever been played.  Three hours ago, his life was perfect.  He was in love with the most wonderful woman in the world, and he was going to put a ring on her finger _that very night_.  And now…now all of that was a memory.  How can reality turn into a memory without warning?  She changed his life and took away everything that had ever mattered…in less than a minute and with only five words.

I'm going to marry Richard. 

            Chandler wasn't sure what hurt worse – knowing that she was no longer his, or knowing that she was going to have another man's child.  That baby…he had only thought it was his child for a moment, hardly more than a heartbeat, but his heart had still shattered when he realized that it must be…it HAD to be…Richard's.  Chandler had been planning the rest of their lives together, and she had been… 

            Chandler buried his head in his arm, hoping that no curious onlookers would realize that he was crying.  It was a lie.  Everything he had believed in, everything that had been important to him, it was all a lie.  And he had bought into it, with all of his heart.  He should have known better.  He had spent his whole life trying to protect himself from _this_.  But with her, he had let his guard down, and he had let himself fall truly, completely in love.  Monica had been his best friend…forever, it seemed.  She knew him better than anyone else ever had.  So he had trusted her.  Completely.  He never dreamed she would be capable of breaking his heart like this.  Worst of all, she had done it knowingly.  

            He stood up abruptly and fumbled in his pocket for some change for the coffee.  Tears were streaming unchecked down his face, but he no longer cared who noticed, or what they would think.  He sprinted towards the door and opened it, running straight into Joey and Rachel.  Yes, he should have expected that.

            "Chandler!  Honey, what's wrong?"

            Chandler looked into Rachel's worried eyes and stumbled backwards.  Joey caught his arm, and shook him slightly.  Chandler snapped out of his daze and looked at his friends.  It was obvious they didn't have a clue.  He thought distractedly that he would at least have the "pleasure" of breaking Monica's news to their friends, but it didn't bring him much comfort.  He looked from one to another, and leaned against the back of the couch, realizing that his hands were still shaking.

            "Monica…she's pregnant."

            Strange that he would share that news first.  It was almost as if he was trying to inflict more pain on himself, because they immediately began to congratulate him, obviously thinking that he had simply flipped out when Monica told him the news.

            "No…no.  It's not…She's going to marry Richard."

            He watched Rachel take a step backwards, and Joey's hopeful face fall.  Well, it was obvious at least that neither of them knew about Monica's secret affair.  It had only just occurred to him that they might.   Chandler sank wearily onto the couch, feeling the very last of his strength fade away as his own words hit home and he broke down completely.  

Against All Odds 

_How can I just let you walk away_

_Just let you leave without a trace_

_When I stand here taking every breath with you._

_You're the only one who really knew me at all._

_How can you just walk away from me_

_When all I can do is watch you leave_

_'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain,_

_And even shared the tears._

_You're the only one who really knew me at all_

_So take a look at me now_

_'Cause there's just an empty space_

_There's nothing left here to remind me_

_Just the memory of your face_

_So take a look at me now_

_There's just an empty space_

_And you coming back to me is against the odds_

_And that's what I've got to face_

_I wish I could just make you turn around_

_Turn around and see me cry_

_There's so much I need to say to you_

_So many reasons why_

_You're the only one who really knew me at all…_

_So take a look at me now_

_There's just an empty space_

_There's nothing left here to remind me,_

Just the memory of your face 

_So take a look at me now_

_So there's just an empty space_

_But to wait for you is all I can do_

_And that's what I've got to face_

_So take a look at me now_

_Cause I'm just standing here_

_And you coming back to me_

_Is against all odds,_

_And that's a chance I've gotta take_

_Take a look at me now._

_Take a look at me now._

AN:  You might notice that I've renamed all of the chapters to songs…If I get motivated enough, I'll put the lyrics on all of the chapters, but if I don't… "Of Course I'm Alright" is by Alabama, "I'm Not Supposed To Love You" is by Bryan White, "You Were Mine" is by the Dixie Chicks, "When She Wakes Up" is by Tim McGraw, although the chapter title is actually When HE Wakes Up, and "Against All Odds" is by Phil Collins. I own none of them.   Some fit better than others, but…It's the best I can do for now.  (This one was a bit of a stretch, btw.)

To Be Continued…


	6. Somewhere In My Broken Heart

_TOW The Past Isn't At Rest_

_Somewhere In My Broken Heart_

_AN:  Okay, this is short, but the end just seemed like a good place to stop.  This continues from where we left off, still in the "past".  By the way, I don't think anyone but Joey ever knew about the "pretend you hate marriage" thing, but if they did, just pretend that they did NOT, okay?  Thanks. _

            Chandler opened his eyes slowly, wondering groggily why he felt like he'd been run over by a freight train.  He sat up straight when he took in his surroundings and realized that he was asleep in his old bed in his old bedroom in his old apartment.  Then another glance reminded him that it was Rachel's room, and with that knowledge, all of the events of the night before flooded back and he sank against the pillow, trying to convince himself not to cry.  Rolling onto one side, he stared at the door, wondering how long it would be before Rachel or Joey came in to check on him.  Though he felt like he _should _want to be alone, he felt better knowing they were right outside and would walk in any minute.  He didn't really want to be left alone.

            He sniffed slightly as his thoughts – against his will – traveled across the hallway and into Monica's bedroom.  He wondered if she was lying there, thinking about him.  He wondered if seeing his watch on the bedside table last night had made her cry, or if she had tried to run after him to tell him it was all just…well, somehow that it wasn't really happening.  He wondered if she had been cold in the bed by herself, and if she had hugged his pillow like she hugged him as she tried unsuccessfully to drift off to sleep.  And then he wondered if she had been sleeping next to Richard.

            A short knock on the door and it opened.  Rachel, his saviour again.  He looked up at her as she walked over to sit down next to him on the bed, pushing his hair off of his forehead in a worried gesture.

            "Thinking about Monica, huh?"

            He nodded, and rolled onto his back.  

            "Of course I am.  I can't help it."

            "Look, Chandler, Joey and I were talking, and… you know that you can stay with us, for as long as you need to.  If you don't mind being right across --  And, I mean, give me some time and I'll move out and you can have your own room back if you want it."

            Chandler glanced at Rachel, surprised.  "What?"

            "Well…it was yours for a long time after all.  I don't think I'll move back in with Monica, but I'm sure I can live with Phoebe, or even get my own place."

            Chandler stared at Rachel, suddenly realizing that she was right – he was homeless.  He moaned and covered his face with his hands, as touched by Rachel's willingness to give him back his former life as he was devastated by the thought of returning to it.

            "God, Rach, I hadn't even thought about where I'll live.  But, there's no reason for you to move out.  This isn't my apartment anymore.  When I moved out, I thought…  Anyway, I haven't told anyone about this yet, but…I was looking at a house, to give to Monica as a w, wedding present.  It's not far, and it's small, but it's got three bedrooms and a huge kitchen…Not that I need any of that anymore, but, well, I've already made the down payment, so I guess I might as well..."

            Rachel sighed and reached for his hand.

            "Chandler…what happened?"

            Chandler shook his head with a matching sigh, knowing that he couldn't answer the question when he didn't understand either.

            "I don't know, Rach.  I honestly don't know.  I had the ring in my pocket, and I was ready to ask her.  There was no way anybody could come into the apartment and ruin it, and…and somehow he still did.  When she came home, she looked so serious.  I thought she was still mad at me about the fight, but then she said…she said we needed to talk.  So we sat down, and I tried to hold her hand but she pulled away, and I was about to explain why I had said all of those things about marriage, but she stopped me and said she was pregnant."  Once he started talking, the words came in a rush, as if he couldn't stop them, and a separate rush of tears accompanied them.  Well, at least he would have Rachel's sympathy.

            "And you…?"  
            "I, I just sat there I guess.  I mean, that was about the last thing I was expecting.   But, Rachel, for a split second I was so happy.  You know?  And just as I was thinking that life couldn't get better, as I was reaching for the ring and about to get down on one knee, she tells me she's going to marry Richard."

            "Oh, sweetie…"

            "And then I realized that the baby that I had stupidly assumed was mine had to be his, and I…I just blew up, Rachel.  But I'm not sorry.  How – how could she?  She's two months pregnant.  Two months.  And who knows how long she'd been sleeping with him before she got pregnant?"  
            Rachel frowned.

            "I can't believe Monica would do something like that."

            "Well, neither could I.  But I guess we were both wrong.  Isn't that funny?  Her boyfriend and her best friend, both completely fooled.  Makes you wonder if either one of us ever knew her at all."

            Rachel shut her eyes, unable to look at his twisted face.  But it was true.  Maybe they'd never really known her at all.  But Rachel knew she couldn't just leave it at that.  Monica _was _her best friend, and surely…surely she wouldn't break Chandler's heart for no reason.  She'd never seen Monica look at anyone the way she looked at Chandler, and Chandler was so…Why would Monica throw all of that away?  

But the only reason Rachel had been able to come up with in six hours of hushed discussion with Joey was the one thing that seemed almost too impossible to believe.  And yet they had agreed that it had to be the only explanation.  

Richard had to be the father. 

            Monica hung up the phone, trying not to worry.  She certainly hadn't expected Chandler to come home last night, but none of their friends had called to quietly assure her that he was okay, that he was with them and they would be taking care of him.  And she was sure it wasn't a coincidence that no one was answering the phone either.  

            She looked at the door, trying to get enough nerve to go across the hall and find out if Rachel or Joey had at least _seen_ him.  But she really didn't want to.  If they had seen him, then they knew.  And Monica knew that Joey would hate her for Chandler's sake.  No matter how loyal and compassionate he was, Chandler would always come first with Joey.  And Rachel…Rachel would probably hate her too, at least until Monica explained everything.  And if they hadn't seen him… Then she would have to explain why he had left, and she would have to see their disappointment in her and her decision firsthand.  And besides, she had already decided that she would not tell anyone else that she had _not_ been sleeping with Richard, and this child was _not_ his before she had the chance to tell Chandler, in person.  He certainly deserved to know first, and she didn't want the news that he was indeed going to be a father coming from anyone else.  This was their business, and even though she knew the concern of their friends was out of love, she didn't want them involved in this…messy…situation.  But who knew when she would get the chance to tell him?  She knew that he would be avoiding her like the plague for as long as he could keep it up.

            Probably forever if he had his way.

            Monica bit her lip and stood up, her own stubbornness getting the best of her.  She went into the bedroom, trying not to look at Chandler's things scattered around, and quickly pulled on sweat pants and a shirt.  A moment later she was outside of Apartment 19, staring at the door.  She tentatively reached up to knock softly, reminding herself over and over that they were her friends too and surely…

            Joey.  Monica knew immediately that he had at least seen Chandler, because as soon as his eyes fell on her, a slight frown crossed his face and his tired, worried eyes narrowed.  He didn't say a word, just stared at her, waiting for her to state her business.  Monica winced at the look, unable to believe that this was her lovable Joey Tribbiani.  It was already obvious whose "side" he was going to take. 

            "Joey, is he here?"

            Joey looked at her for a long moment, wondering to himself why she even bothered to act like she cared.  But he could see sincere worry in her eyes and almost softened, until he reminded himself that his best friend had cried himself to sleep the night before, and that this woman was the reason.

            "Yeah, he's here.  But he doesn't want to see you.  And I'm not so sure I want to either."

            "Joey, please."

            Monica touched his arm without thinking, and Joey looked down at her hand, wondering what he should do.  As much as he wanted to hate Monica on Chandler's behalf, she was still Monica.  He couldn't just slam the door in her face.  Man, why hadn't Rachel answered the door?  

"What do you want me to say, Monica?  Chandler's here.  Rachel and I can take care of him.  Don't you think you should just go back across the hall?"

"I need to talk to him, Joey.  Please."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Mon."

"Joey, you don't-"

Joey cut her off, his temper getting the best of him.  

"No, Monica.  Look, I walked into Central Perk last night and ran into my best friend literally unable to stand on his own two feet because **you** had completely shattered him.  I wish you had seen his face, Mon.  Maybe then you would know just how much he loves you.  But you just have to understand that I'm going to respect his wishes.  And that includes not wanting to see you."

Monica looked at the floor, her own heart aching as she listened to Joey's account of Chandler's broken heart.  But…this wasn't all her fault.  It wasn't.  Maybe if she kept saying that to herself, she'd eventually start to believe it.  Besides, if he really loved her so much, then why didn't he want to marry her?  And how, HOW could he believe that she had been cheating on him?

"Fine, Joey.  But will you tell him that I really, really need to talk to him?  Please.  It's…it's important."

Joey gazed at her and finally nodded his concession.  

"Fine.  I'll tell him.  But that doesn't mean he'll want to talk to you."

"I know. And I don't really blame him right this minute, but please…tell him it's important."

Joey nodded, his face revealing his puzzlement over what could possibly be so important, given the situation.  Monica gave him a slight smile and went back into her own apartment, shutting the door behind her.  

She walked over to the table and picked up Chandler's jacket, which he must have discarded when he came home from work the night before.  She lifted it to her face, breathing in the smell of his cologne, and then lay down on the couch, burying her face in his jacket while her tears for him fell.

She was glad he was safe, and she was glad that Joey and Rachel were watching out for him.  He would have the sympathy and support of their friends while he tried to heal his broken heart.  And that made her feel better.

But none of them would ever realize that her heart was broken too. 

Somewhere In My Broken Heart 

_You made up your mind it was time it was over_

_After we had come so far._

_But I think there's enough pieces of forgiveness _

_Somewhere in my broken heart._

_I would not have chosen the road you have taken_

_It has left us miles apart._

_But I think I can still find the will to keep going_

_Somewhere in my broken heart._

_So fly, go ahead and fly…_

_Till you find out who you are._

_And I, I will keep my unspoken_

_Somewhere in my broken heart._

_I hope that in time you will find what you long for -_

_Love that's written in the stars._

_When you finally do, I think you will see it_

_Somewhere in my broken heart._

_Girl, I…I will keep my love unspoken_

_Somewhere in my broken heart_

_I hope that in time you will find what you long for -_

_Love that's written in the stars_

_When you finally do, I think you will see it_

_Somewhere in my broken,_

_Somewhere in my broken,_

_Somewhere in my broken heart._

So, can you tell that I'm a country music fan?  I guess this kind of sad, depressing fic is just right for country lyrics.  Anyway, "Somewhere in My Broken Heart" is sung by Billy Dean.    


	7. You're Gone

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest (Chapter 7) You're Gone 

Sorry this part took so long, but I rewrote it like ten times, and I still don't think it's all that great.  But, once I'm past THIS, I can get on with the rest of the story.  Nothing much happens, but there's a few little important things.  I think.  Just pay attention to Monica's part, because there's on paragraph that might explain why she's being so stubborn about marrying Richard!  Well, anyway, maybe the next part will be better. 

_We continue a couple of days after we left off – which means we are still in flashback mode.  _

Chandler stood outside Apartment 20, staring at the doorknob.  He knew she wasn't there – he'd asked Rachel to check first and make sure – but he still couldn't seem to find the strength to go in.  Waiting for him behind the door were visible memories of the greatest love of his life, and convincing himself that he was ready to face them was a task he still hadn't accomplished after three days of lying in Rachel's bed, staring at the ceiling.

With a deep sigh, he picked up the four boxes nested inside each other and walked into the apartment he had once thought he would always love.  Even after he made the down payment on the house he thought was just perfect for him and Monica to start out in, he'd known that he would insist that they keep the apartment – for the sake of the memories he and Monica had there.

He looked around briefly, thinking how odd it was that the apartment could look so much the same, when everything in the lives of its occupants had changed – and the life of one was completely falling apart.

He by-passed the kitchen quickly, knowing that there was nothing there of his except maybe a beer in the fridge.  He glanced around the living room.  He'd get Joey to come back and help him move the barca lounger later.  Or on second thought, maybe he should leave it there just to annoy Monica…

He shook his head and headed for the bathroom.  That, he thought, would be easy.  What's sentimental about shaving cream and toothbrushes?  But as soon as he walked in, he knew he'd been wrong.  He could smell her – that mixture of shampoo, perfume, and body wash that had always driven him crazy.  

            Chandler hurriedly grabbed his electric razor off the counter – Monica hadn't put it away? - and fled the room, deciding that anything else wasn't important enough to look for.  He tossed the razor in one of the boxes and turned to look at the door to their bedroom.  This was the hard part.

            He walked slowly across the room and opened the door.  Then he stopped, surprised at the sight that greeted him.  The bed was unmade, Monica's shoes were lying beside the bed, and there were clothes strewn around the room, looking as she had just thrown them up in the air and let them land where they would.  He'd NEVER seen the room like this – well, except for after an especially wild night.  But even then, Monica would certainly not _leave_ it like that!

            He shook his head and walked over to the closet.  As quickly as he could, he removed the clothes hanging on his side, and threw them on top of the jumbled blankets on the bed.  A couple of pairs of shoes went into a box, and he yanked his entire tie rack off the back of the door and threw it in on top.  

            Rachel had emptied most of the dresser when she came over to get him clean boxers and some sweats, so there wasn't much left in there.  He checked the drawers to be sure, and pulled out some stray socks and t-shirts.  His eyes fell on a familiar gold bracelet resting on top of the dresser, and he stopped to wonder distractedly what Monica would do with all the things he had given her.  She wouldn't wear them anymore – would she?  Would she toss them in a box for Goodwill?  Maybe she'd just pass them on to Rachel… Or would she hide them away in a box, far from Richard's eyes, and keep them to remember?  Did she _want_ to remember?  Or would she spend the rest of her life trying to forget, like he couldn't help but think he would?

            He quickly grabbed his watch and a few other things from his bedside table, then paused as his eyes fell on the frame that rested on top.  Monica had made it for him on one of their monthly anniversaries, saying it was a make-up present for the Valentine's Day they had both screwed up and ended up dancing to Janice's singing.  The frame was simple – silver with a heart engraved at the top.  Inside the frame, Monica had put together several pictures of them and made it into a collage of sorts – there was a picture Phoebe had snapped in Vegas of them holding hands and smiling at each other, and one Chandler had asked Joey to take while they were still a secret from everyone else, so that he could put it in his office.  She'd somehow gotten a hold of pictures from Ross and Emily's wedding, and had added one of him walking her down the aisle the day after that oh-so-fateful night.  A couple of other pictures were from Before…and he had smiled as he looked at pictures of him cuddling with her on a couch, with Joey and Rachel on each side of them, or playing poker at the kitchen table, long before their romance was even a possibility.  Across the bottom of the pictures, Monica had written in a silver glitter pen, "_My Prince…My Soulmate…My Friend_."  And he had almost cried, because the sentiment fit them so perfectly.  

Chandler glanced at the pictures one more time, then hesitated before placing the frame carefully in the box.  At least he could take some small part of her with him – some small indication that maybe she had really loved him once upon a time.  With a sigh, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the tiny velvet box that held her ring.  He opened it carefully, and gazed inside for a moment before popping it closed again.  He knew exactly what he wanted to do with it now.

He was heading for the door with the last two boxes when he saw the letter, resting on the kitchen table with his name written in all-too-familiar script.  He stood there staring at it for a moment before slowly placing the boxes on the table beside it and picking up the envelope, wondering what she could possibly have to say to him now.  Probably whatever she had told Joey was so important.  He stood there, thousands of possibilities for the words inside running through his head, but none of them seeming very likely.  Finally convincing himself that he didn't care – that it was probably just some contrived apology for breaking his heart, some clichéd words about how she had never meant to hurt him – he fought the urge to tear it into pieces and left it unopened on the table, dropping his keys on top.  He stared at them in bewilderment for a long time as he realized just what leaving his keys on that table meant.  His life with Monica was over.  And his friendship with Monica was over as well.  

For as long as he could remember, she had been there, caring about him when it seemed like no one else did.  He wouldn't have that – not anymore.  No more special smiles and warm kisses when he got home from work, no more gentle caresses on his knee to remind him without words that she loved him, no more sweet cards tucked into his briefcase to make him smile… It was all over.  She would do those things for someone else from now on.

He turned away from the table and cast on more look around the place he had always been happiest.  With a soul-wrenching sigh, he picked up the remaining boxes and walked out, pulling the door closed behind him and leaving his life behind.  He had no intention of ever walking through that door again.

            Monica walked in the door, half-expecting and fully-hoping Chandler would still be there, slowly filling up boxes and drowning himself in memories.  Instead, she found an apartment that didn't look much different on the outside, but already felt colder.  She was too late.  He was gone.

            She glanced anxiously at the kitchen table, and her heart sank when she saw that the white envelope was still there.  She picked it up, noticing that it hadn't been opened, and then dropped it back on the table.  So he still didn't know.  She picked up his keys and turned them over in her hand, remembering the first time he had tried to open the door with his own set of keys.  Maybe the door locked between them should have been taken as a sign after all.  

She sighed and walked over to the couch, unconsciously resting a hand against her stomach as she sat down.  She had no desire to inspect the rest of the apartment to see what he had taken with him.  His things didn't matter.  All that mattered was that he was never going to tug on her apron strings while she fixed dinner, write "I love you" in the steam on the mirror while she was in the shower, play with the ends of her hair when they were sitting next to each other in the coffee shop, or be there smiling at her when she opened her eyes every morning.

            He was gone.

            Monica sighed again, trying not to think about the fact that this was what she had chosen.  But he had chosen too, and as far as she was concerned, not wanting marriage meant not wanting her.  And…and what if he didn't want a family either?  It was too late to avoid it, but Chandler could still make the decision not to be a father.  She couldn't imagine him not wanting to acknowledge his own child, but…well, she had never figured him for a "Why buy the cow?" kind of guy, either. 

            And it would certainly explain why he was so quick to believe she had cheated.  If he pushed fatherhood off on Richard, he could avoid responsibility.  He'd probably never even know how much it hurt to know he believed she could do that to him, that he didn't think she was any better than Janice or Kathy.  

Monica closed her eyes, not wanting to think about it anymore.  She stood up and slowly walked over to the window, gazing out at Ross's apartment building next door.  Just four days ago – less than a week – she had looked out the same window, thinking that life probably couldn't get better.  But now she could only wonder how everything had gone so completely wrong.  

Her head jerked up at the knock on the door, and she raced to answer it, hoping that just maybe…

But it was Rachel that stood there, her face rather pale.

"Oh…Hi, Rach."  Monica looked at her curiously, wondering what she wanted, and noticed that her eyes were read and puffy.  Monica tried to still her racing heart, knowing that something was wrong.

"Rachel…what is it?"

"I…I think you should read this."

Monica took the sheet of paper from her hand, her heart dropping.  She knew what it was going to say before she even glanced at the handwriting.

_"Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross,_

_I'm sorry to leave without saying goodbye, but I knew you would try to convince me to stay.  And I can't.  Not right now.  Don't worry, I'm coming back…eventually.  I'm going to go spend some time with my mom.  Can't tell you where I'll be, because I don't know yet myself.  But I'll be in touch, guys, I promise._

_I know you're all going to think that I'm running away.  And maybe I am.  But, the truth is, I've thought this all through.  Joe, do you remember when Janice was cheating on me with her husband?  (Could that be any more ironic?)  Well, you told me that if it was you, you wouldn't want to be the guy that broke up a family.  And I decided then that I wouldn't be.  I'm making that decision again – as if Monica ever gave me a choice – but I won't stand by and watch.  There's no place for me here, not right now.  And I don't want to put tension on all of you to take sides or balance things out.  I know how awkward these situations can get, and I don't want any of you to avoid Monica for my sake.  Tell her that I'm glad she's finally getting what she wanted…and that if I had it in me, I'd wish her happiness.  But I don't.  I do, however, hope that the baby is healthy and that everything goes okay.  _

_I honestly don't know when I'll be back.  I took a six-month leave of absence from work, but…I've also got some vacation time coming.  I'll miss you guys, and I'll let you know when I'm on my way back._

_Take care of yourselves.  _

_Love,_

_Chandler_

_P.S. Joey – you can have my barca lounger.  Monica will just throw it out anyway._

Monica sank into a chair as she finished the letter and looked up at Rachel, who was close to tears.    

He was gone.  

And six months or longer might be too late.

**_The Present…_**

****

Monica rifled idly through the wedding invitations on her kitchen table.  They were all stamped, addressed, alphabetized by last name, and ready to go.  And on the invitation inside, her parents "requested the presence" of all of her friends, her parents' friends (who also happened to be most of Richard's friends) and their families at the marriage of their daughter to probably the last man in the world they would ever want her to marry.  Monica had to laugh as she thought about Richard's "best man" debate.  He couldn't ask his best friend, of course, because Jack would be giving his daughter away.  And he couldn't ask his son, because Tim **_had_** kissed his future stepmother.  Richard had finally settled on Ross, mostly for Monica's sake, but also because he had wanted to avoid asking Paul at all costs.  Monica had smiled when he commented that he needed to make some new friends that weren't connected to her, and thought sadly that she had friends that hated Richard for all he was worth.  She had been surprised, in fact, that Ross had accepted Richard's request to be his best man.  And she still wasn't sure Joey and Phoebe would show up at the wedding, even if they had eventually started speaking to her again.

She and Richard had spent so much time making up the guest list and addressing the invitations.  They were going to be mailed next week.  That, to her, had been the point of no return.  Short of saying the wrong name at the altar – which, given her bloodlines, was certainly not impossible - nothing could stop the wedding once the invitations had been mailed.

Monica picked up the invitation addressed to "Mr. Chandler Bing and Guest", still not sure that she should have put his name on one of these.  The only reason she had even considered inviting him was because she thought he might like to see Emma all dressed up.  Ross was supposed to hold her, so that she could be a part of the ceremony.  Maybe she had foolishly envisioned him jumping up and announcing that he objected, that she couldn't marry Richard because she really loved him.  Well, if he had, he would have been right.  She couldn't marry Richard if she still loved Chandler.  

She was just opening the door to go across the hall and talk to Rachel when the phone rang.  She picked it up with an audible sigh, bracing herself.  After the morning's events, she knew she would be getting a lot of calls from people she would rather not talk to.

"Hello…"

"Mon, it's Chandler.  Listen, I don't want you to panic, but I'm on my way to the hospital with Emma."

Disregarding his warning not to panic, Monica did just that as her heart nearly stopped beating.

_You're Gone_

_Diamond Rio_

_I said, "Hello, I think I'm broken."_

_And though I was only jokin'_

_It took me by surprise when you agreed._

_I was trying to be clever_

_For the life of me, I never_

_Would have guessed how far the simple truth would lead_

_You knew all my lines_

_You knew all my tricks_

_You knew how to heal that pain no medicine can fix_

_And I bless the day I met you_

_And I thank God that he let you_

_Lay beside me for a moment that lives on_

_And the good news is I'm better for the time we spent together_

_And the bad news is you're gone._

_Lookin' back, it's still surprising_

_I was sinking, you were rising_

_And with a look you caught me in midair_

_Now I know God has his reasons_

_But sometimes it's hard to see them_

_When I awake and find that you're not there_

_You found hope in hopeless_

_You made crazy sane_

_You became the missing link that helped me break my chains_

_And I bless the day I met you_

_And I thank God that he let you_

_Lay beside me for a moment that lives on_

_And the good news is I'm better for the time we spent together_

_And the bad news is you're gone._

_And the bad news is…you're gone._

AN:  This is THE best song, even if it's sad, and don't you think the beginning sounds like Chandler?  "Hello, I think I'm broken…"?  By the way, I desperately tried to figure out a way NOT to make Chandler leave, but then how would Monica keep from telling him he was the father?  I thought about just having her sooo mad because he thought she had cheated that she just kept putting it off, but that seemed a little too unlikely.  So please don't yell at me for having him run away, okay?  Like he said, he has his reasons.  And one is so that he doesn't find out about Emma too soon!  

To Be Continued…


	8. We Could Have Been

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest (Chapter Eight)

"We Could Have Been"

Monica raced into the emergency room, every heartbeat seeming to scream out her daughter's name.  Chandler had tried to tell her he didn't think it was serious, but of course she was out of her mind with worry anyway.  A quick glance around the waiting area revealed no Emma and no Chandler, so she headed for the admissions desk, wanting nothing more than to hold her daughter and reassure herself that Emma was fine.

"My daughter…Emma Bing…where is she?"

The nurse turned to the computer, but before she could look up the name, Monica felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around to see Chandler.  She looked up at him, terrified of the news he had for her, but relaxed slightly when he gave her a lopsided grin.

"She's okay, Mon.  She has a high temperature but they're trying to get it down now.  The doctor said it's just an ear infection."

Monica finally breathed, and threw herself into Chandler's arms, tears of relief running down her face.

"Oh, Chandler, I was so scared."

Chandler hesitated before letting his arms encircle her.  "I was too, Monica.  She woke up crying from her nap, and when I picked her up, she was so hot… I just knew I'd done something wrong.  But the doctor said that all babies get high temperatures when they get sick.  I guess you would have known that."

Monica suddenly realized how tightly she was hugging him and reluctantly pulled away, looking up into his still-worried face. 

"No…well, I guess I did know that, but you did the right thing by bringing her here.  Better paranoid and compulsive than wrong."

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

Monica glanced at Chandler again, wondering where Emma was if she wasn't with him.

"Where is she?"

"Over here.  I saw you run in and came out to get you.  She'll be glad to see you."

Chandler opened the door for her, and Monica walked in, happy to see that Emma was lying peacefully asleep in the small crib, no tubes or machines in sight.  The doctor looked up when they entered, and gave Monica a warm smile.

"You must be Monica.  Chandler's been almost frantic waiting on you to get here.  I'm Dr. Bennett, by the way."

Monica glanced curiously at Chandler, and noticed that he was blushing slightly.  She smiled at him, and walked over to Emma's crib.

"She's okay?"  

 Dr. Bennett smiled and gently rubbed the top of Emma's head.  

"She has a little cold, but other than that, she's just fine.  We got her fever down, and the only thing left to worry about is making sure she gets plenty of fluids over the next couple of days."

"Can I hold her?"

The doctor smiled and stood up. 

"Of course.  I'll leave you alone with her.  But we want to keep her here for another hour or so, just to make sure her fever doesn't rise again.  Even though she's not really sick, a high fever can still be dangerous."

            Monica nodded, too preoccupied with lifting Emma out of the crib to glance up, and Chandler put out his hand to shake the doctor's.  

            "Thanks, Dr. Bennett.  We appreciate it."

            The doctor nodded and left the room, smiling as he went.  After some of the things he saw day-to-day in a New York emergency room, seeing parents that actually cared about their children and were so concerned about little things like fevers gave him hope for the world. 

Chandler walked over to Monica and put a comforting hand on her back as he reached out to stroke Emma's cheek.  She was still sleeping.  He gazed at his daughter for a moment, feeling a lump start to form in his throat as he thought about how worried he had been.  And Monica…he glanced at her face and noticed the tears running down her cheek.  He laughed slightly and pulled both Monica and Emma into a hug.

"Don't cry, Monica.  She's fine."

To his surprise, Monica leaned into him, welcoming his comfort but careful not to smother Emma between them.

"I know.  I don't know why I'm crying."

"It's okay, Mon.  I've seen you cry before.  Many times."

Monica nodded in silent agreement, then moved away from him.  Seeing the longing look on his face, she placed Emma in his arms, and stood back, watching him.  He immediately lifted Emma to kiss her forehead, and cradled her close, a smile crossing his face.  He really was a great father, especially given the short amount of time he'd had to get ready for fatherhood.

"Chandler…"  Monica paused as he looked up at her, trying to decide if she really wanted to risk ruining a rare moment when they weren't at each other's throats.  This was, after all, the most civil conversation they'd had since Emma was born.  Deciding she might as well take advantage of their temporary truce, she took a deep breath and blurted out what she was thinking, hoping that he would take it as the honest question it was and not as an invitation for a fight.  

"When I told you…that you were Emma's father…what were you thinking?  I mean, we never really talked about it…"

She saw the mild flash of surprise in his eyes before he looked back down at Emma with a slight shrug.

"I…I don't know, Mon.  I, um, I think I was too shocked to think anything."

"Oh.  Okay."  So he didn't want to talk about it.

"I mean, you did just kind of blurt it out, Monica."  

Well, maybe he did.  She glanced at him, relieved that his voice held no sarcasm or spite, just reflection.  

"Yeah.  I guess I did.  But I was afraid you would leave again…before I could..."

Chandler nodded slowly.  He almost had.  And if he had left that night, he wasn't sure how long it might have been before he came back.  He looked down at Emma again, his heart thumping as he thought about how close he might have been to not being there with her in his arms.  If Monica hadn't just "blurted it out", he probably would have never stopped to listen.  And then he might have missed out on…everything.

Four months ago (Well, at least it's not still TEN!!  That would make this flashback, ironically, about six months after Chandler left.  Imagine that!)

            "Yeah, yeah.  Okay, I'll be right there.  Sure.  Okay, bye."

            Richard hung up the phone and looked at Monica apologetically.

            "Babe, I've got to go.  One of my patients got a shard of glass in his eye."

            Monica winced and squinted her eyes closed at the very thought.

            "Please don't tell Rachel that.  She'll wear safety goggles for a week."

            "Okay, I promise."  Richard smiled and kissed her cheek.  "I'll see you tomorrow?"

            "I'll be at your office at 12:30 for lunch unless I'm in labor."

            "Okay, it's a deal."  Richard kissed her on the lips and headed for the door, but Monica managed to get up in spite of her heavy stomach and followed him – not so much to bid him goodbye as to lock the door behind him.  Now that she lived alone, she just didn't feel as safe with the door open all the time.  

            Richard kissed her one more time as he opened the door. 

            "Good night, Mon.  Love you."

            Monica didn't answer.  She was staring past him into the hallway, an expression of pure shock on her face.  Thinking that it was the baby, Richard reached out to steady her, trying to decide if it was closer to call 911 from her apartment or to beat on Joey and Rachel's door and make them do it.

            But Monica wasn't grabbing her stomach, or giving any indication that she was in physical pain.  Richard turned around slowly, his stomach dropping when he saw what had caught her attention.

            "Chandler…"

            Chandler was staring back at Monica, his face frozen into the same expression.  Richard saw his gaze shift briefly to Monica's expanded front, then back to her face.  Unsure of what he should do, Richard just stood there, watching them stare at each other.

            Chandler snapped out of his daze first.  He glared first at Monica, then at Richard, and gestured angrily to the two of them.

            "Oh, please, don't let me interrupt."  

Neither Richard nor Monica responded to that.  Monica was still in shock, and Richard was trying to figure out what he was supposed to do.  Deciding that a quick exit was a better option than risking Joey coming out to join in on the standoff, he mumbled "I was just leaving" and headed for the stairs just as Monica regained control of her senses, not noticing or caring that Richard had left.  

"You…You're back."

"Oh, you noticed I was gone?  I figured you'd be too busy planning your wedding to care."

"Of course I cared," Monica answered quietly, trying not to let him see how much the bitterness in his voice affected her.  "Chandler…I really need to tell you something."

Chandler sighed heavily.  "I don't want to hear it, Monica.  I just came by to tell Joey and Rachel I was back.  I was hoping I wouldn't run into you, but now that I have, I'd rather just leave it at that."

"But you have to –"

"No, Mon.  I don't have to."

"Yes, you do."  The tone of her voice made him turn back around.  She was looking at the floor, and her voice shook as she started to speak, quickly so she could get it all out before he escaped.  "You just…you need to know.  The baby's yours, Chandler.  In a few weeks, you're going to have a daughter."

He took an involuntary step toward her, his eyes wide and incredulous.  Monica pulled her eyes up to his face, hoping to see some sign of happiness, or at least of acceptance and understanding.  But his face was blank, his eyes shrouded with disbelief.  She reached out a hand to touch his arm, but he flinched and jerked away from her.  

"Are you sure?"  His voice was strained and his mouth didn't move as he spoke.  As soon as Monica nodded, he collapsed against the wall, all of his strength seeming to drain away.

"Of course I'm sure.  You're the only…since London, Chandler.  I wasn't sleeping with Richard.  I wouldn't…There was only you."

As her words got through to him, he felt like crying.  He'd made a huge mistake.  The baby…the baby was his after all.  His and hers.  They were going to have a little girl.

"Oh my God…"  

The Present… 

            Chandler watched Monica carefully as she stared at the floor, just as she had that night.  He felt as if he should say something, but he wasn't sure what.  He was so afraid that he would say the wrong thing and this silent agreement between them to just get along for now would be over and they would be fighting again…trying their best to hurt each other, to get revenge for all the pain the other had inflicted.  

Sometimes it was hard to remember that they had been friends once.  And even harder to remember that there was a time he would have protected her with his life, when he would have given her anything.  Emma was the only person in the world who could claim that devotion from him now.  But once…

            "I was happy, Monica."  She looked up, and he realized that she had been crying again.  He wanted to ask her why, but he didn't dare.  She wiped the tears impatiently off her cheeks, trying not to bend that statement into everything she wanted it to mean, and looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

            "If you're asking me if I was happy…I know I didn't act like it when you told me, but…I was."

            Monica smiled slightly and wiped at her eyes again.

"I was happy, too," she whispered, just as Emma stirred in Chandler's arms and opened her eyes.  Monica reached for her, glad for the interruption and the chance to compose herself.  

            "Hi, sweetie.  Oh, Mommy and Daddy were so worried about you…Are you feeling better now, sweetheart?"

            Emma yawned sleepily before focusing blue eyes on Monica's face and rewarding her mother with a smile.  Monica stroked her still-warm cheek with concern, then looked up at Chandler, who was standing close beside her, rubbing Emma's hand with one finger, and smiling down at his daughter like she was the only person in the world.  Touched by the look on his face, Monica just watched him, wondering how she could have ever thought that Chandler might run from his daughter…and allowing herself to wonder fleetingly what might have been if he hadn't run from her.  

We Could Have Been 

_Bryan White_

_Today at work, I overheard a name_

_I knew it wasn't yours_

_But it touched me just the same_

_It felt so good to have you in my mind_

_Guess I'm the sentimental kind_

_Oh, I wonder who you became_

_Did you change the world,_

_Or play the game?_

_We came so close to love back then…_

_We could have been._

_You were so brave_

When I was shy 

_I made you laugh_

_But something made you cry_

_And I don't think we ever said goodbye…_

_And now I'll always wonder why_

_Oh I wonder who you became_

_Did you change the world,_

_Or play the game?_

_We came so close to love back then…_

_We could have been._

_A time or two, I thought about callin'_

_But something always gets in the way_

_Maybe I'm afraid you'd really answer_

_What would I say to you?_

Oh, I wonder who you became 

_Did you change the world,_

_Or play the game?_

_Oh, we came so close to love back then…_

_We could have been._

To Be Continued… (I think this is going to be long…)


	9. We Can't Unmake Love

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Chapter Nine

"We Can't Unmake Love"

            Though it was Chandler's weekend with Emma, they took her back to Monica's apartment without any real discussion.  Monica was too distraught to remember that Emma was supposed to be staying with Chandler, and Chandler knew that Monica needed Emma as much as Emma needed Monica.  Besides, Monica's apartment was closer.

            Chandler waited, with a sleeping Emma in his arms, while Monica unlocked the door, then followed her slowly into the apartment he had once sworn he'd never enter again.  That, of course, had been before he knew that he was going to share a child with Monica.  He'd broken that promise to himself the day Emma was born, and he had been back a few times since to pick her up or to bring her home, but he still hated walking into that apartment.  

            Monica noticed his reluctance, but didn't comment.  She motioned for Chandler to take Emma into her bedroom, then followed him into the room, watching as he kissed her forehead and laid her carefully in the crib.  She was jealous…she had to admit it.  And of her own daughter.  She was jealous that he loved her so much, that he was willing to give Emma his whole life, when he hadn't been willing to give it to her.  She knew it was ridiculous, and she hated it.  Chandler was Emma's father, and that was completely different.  But she was still jealous.

            She walked out into the living room and sat down on the couch.  Chandler joined her a moment later, standing uncertainly in the living room, wondering what he should do.  He didn't want to leave while Emma was still sick, but now that she was asleep there didn't seem to be a good reason to stay.  

            "I…I guess I'll go see Joey.  I'll be across the hall if she wakes up."

            Monica looked up, startled.  

            "You don't have to go."

            Chandler shrugged, a little surprised that she wanted him to stay, but still uncomfortable.  It was too easy to look around and remember a time when he had been happy.  And he just didn't want to remember. 

            "I…Maybe it's best if I do."

            Monica nodded slowly and looked down at her hands.

            "You don't like being here, do you?"

            He laughed softly, thinking sarcastically that he didn't know _how_ she would ever come to this conclusion.

            "No, I don't.  I would think you of all people would know why…"

            "Chandler…do you regret it?"

            "Regret what?" he asked hollowly, not wanting to have this conversation.

            "Us," she answered directly, her eyes telling him that she _did_ want to talk about it.  Unable to find an excuse not to answer that wouldn't hurt her or make her angry, he sat down reluctantly next to her and stared at the blank t.v.

            "Why do you ask?"

            "Well…if we hadn't been together, none of this would be happening.  We'd still be friends…"

            Chandler nodded.  Of course he had thought of all that.  But if he and Monica had never been together, he would have missed out on a lot, too.  His love for her had brought him as much happiness as it had pain, and as much as the memories hurt, he would always treasure them.  And most importantly, if there had been no Chandler and Monica, there would be no Emma.

            "No…I don't regret "us", Mon," he finally answered. "If nothing else, that little girl in there is enough reason to be glad that "we" happened.  No matter how it turned out, we can't unmake love.  And I, for one, wouldn't want to."

            There was silence as they both pondered that.  Then Monica spoke softly.

            "That's what you said when she was born.  We can't unmake love."

            Chandler nodded.  "I remember."

            "Chandler… I don't regret it either.  I wish things were different…but I don't regret it.  And you're right.  Emma makes it all worth it.  The day she was born…that was the greatest day of my life."

            Chandler laughed slightly, trying to ease the tension in the room.

            "That's not what you said at the time."

            Monica narrowed her eyes at him.  "Well, I don't see you giving birth!"

            "Hey, you don't have to lecture me.  I was a nervous wreck, remember?"

            "Yeah…"  She paused and looked up at him, her eyes wistful.  "But I was glad you were there."

            "Me too.,,"

            __

_            Three and a half months ago…(About two-three weeks after Monica tells Chandler he's the father)_

            Chandler ignored the horns beeping at him as he ran across the road, the hospital finally in sight.  He hadn't bothered with a cab today – traffic was horrible and he knew he could never sit still and wait for the cabbie to wind his way slowly through the river of cars heading through the city.  So he had taken off from his office at a dead sprint, not even stopping to explain his departure to a staff that had only had him back for four days.  

            _Monica's in labor._

            Rachel had called him twenty minutes ago to let him know that his daughter was well on her way, and he hadn't stopped repeating the words to himself since he hung up the phone.  He hadn't even seen Monica since the night she had finally told him the truth – nearly three weeks ago - but suddenly the only thing that mattered was that she was giving birth to his child…and he had to be with her.  

            He flung open the door and headed for the first person in uniform he saw.

            "Maternity?"

            "Seventh floor to the right."

            "Thanks," Chandler managed to gasp, suddenly aware that he had just run fifteen blocks without even slowing down.  He headed for the elevator, tapping his fingers impatiently as he counted the red numbers flashing in front of him.

            "Six…Seven!"  The doors flew open and he was down the hall.  He pushed through another set of doors and froze.  Rachel jumped up from her chair and rushed to hug him.  

            "How is she?"

            "She's fine, sweetie.  Ross is with her now."  She paused and smiled as she got a good look at him.  "Did you run the whole way here?"

            "Yeah…"  Chandler sat down next to Joey, taking deep breaths and trying to calm himself down.  He glanced around the room, and noticed Richard sitting a few chairs down, not looking at anyone.  He hadn't even considered the fact that he might be here.  It made sense…he was Monica's fiancé after all, but Chandler had to fight the urge to shove him out of the room and scream at him that he wasn't welcome at the birth of this baby.  Unfortunately, that wasn't Chandler's decision to make.  He turned his attention back to Rachel.

            "How long has she been…?"  
            "I'm not sure exactly.  She came over about an hour ago and said it was time…so Joey and I brought her here.  She said she'd been having contractions for a few hours."

            Chandler glanced at his watch.  3:00.  So it had been since lunchtime at least, probably earlier.  Knowing Monica, she had waited as long as she thought she could before heading for the hospital.

            "Are you okay, Chandler?"

            Chandler looked up and shrugged.

            "I'm fine.  She's the one in labor."

            "Yeah, but…Well, you're having a baby, honey.  You're not freaked out?"

            Chandler laughed softly and shook his head.  "Of course I am.  I'm Chandler, remember?  Freaking out is what I do."

            Rachel nodded and put an arm around his shoulders.  They had all been shocked when Monica had finally told all of them that Chandler was the baby's father.  She had explained that she wanted to tell Chandler first, and when they had finally convinced her that they didn't know where he was, she had decided to keep her secret until he came back.  Looking back, Rachel regretted the way they had treated her after Chandler had left.  She had probably been dying, and her friends were holding her responsible for running Chandler off.  But now all of that was in the past, and the only thing that mattered was that Monica and Chandler were going to have a baby in just a few hours.

            Chandler looked at Rachel, his eyes demanding an honest answer.  

            "The baby's early, isn't she?  She's not supposed to be here for like, a couple more weeks?"  
            Rachel nodded slowly.  "Yes, she' s a little early, but not much.  The doctors think everything's going to be just fine."

            Chandler nodded thankfully and buried his head in his hands.  He wanted to go in with Monica, to be there when his baby was born, but they hadn't had a chance to discuss that.  And given the circumstances, he certainly couldn't go barging in.  He was surprised, though, that Ross was with Monica while Richard waited outside.

            "She's asking for you."  
            Chandler's head came up at the sound of Ross's voice, and he immediately looked at Richard with jealousy.  He was going to get to be there.   It wasn't even his kid, but he would be able to hold Monica and comfort her and hear the baby cry for the first time.  It wasn't fair.  Not fair at all.

            "Chandler, you.  She's asking for you."

            Chandler's head jerked toward Ross and he managed to stand up shakily.  She wanted him.  

            This time it was Richard that looked on with jealousy as Chandler followed Ross down the hallway.  He stopped outside the door and looked at Ross, his eyes pleading for help.  

            "What do I do?"

            Ross smiled and patted his shoulder reassuringly.  

            "You'll know.  And um, just ignore every name she calls you, okay?"

            Chandler nodded apprehensively, and watched Ross walk back down the hallway.  He turned back to the door, and caught a glimpse of Monica through the small window.  She was panting her way through a contraction, her face scrunched up in pain and her hair drenched from sweat.  His heart twisted in sympathy, and he breathed a sigh of relief when she relaxed and closed her eyes.  He wasn't sure he could do this.

            He turned the knob slowly and walked into the room.  Monica turned to look at him, her face looking as apprehensive as he felt. 

            "Hi."

            "Hi.  Are you okay?"

            Monica sighed.  "I'll be better when your daughter decides to make an appearance."

            Chandler felt his heart skip a beat at the words "your daughter".  He couldn't stop the smile from flitting across his face, but it disappeared when Monica gasped in pain again.  Instinctively, he moved to her side and she grabbed for his hand, squeezing it tightly and trying to breathe through the pain.  Chandler leaned in and stroked a strand of hair out of her eyes, feeling absolutely useless.  He had no idea what he was supposed to be doing, and surely Monica would be better off with…well, anyone but him.  

            When Monica relaxed again, Chandler released her hand and stood up.

            "I'll go get Ross.  He can help you more than I can…"

            "No."  Monica motioned for him to sit back down beside her.  "I don't want Ross.  I want you.  This is _your_ baby."

            "But, Monica, I don't…"

            "Chandler, please stay with me."

            He was surprised by her pleading tone, but he simply nodded and sat down beside her.       

            "Tell me what to do."

            "Just hold-"

            Another wave of pain interrupted her, and Chandler looked up at the nurse that was entering the room with a pitcher of water, then back at Monica as he tried to keep her from breaking his fingers.

            "Are they supposed to be this close together?"

            The nurse smiled at his worried voice and leaned over to wipe Monica's forehead with a towel.

            "Yes.  That means she's getting closer.  I assume you're the father?"

            Chandler nodded.  "Yes, I'm the…I'm the father."

            Monica's grip on his hand tightened in spite of the fact that her contraction was easing, and he looked at her, surprised by the feeling that saying those words out loud gave him.  Then they hit him like a brick, and for just a second, he thought he was going to be the one in need of a hospital bed.

            "Come on, Mon.  You can do it."  There was no way he could know that his soft whispers against her hair were what were giving her the strength to keep going.  "We're almost there, honey.  Just a few more minutes and we'll have a little girl."

            Monica tried to concentrate on the sound of his voice, but she felt like her body was trying to split itself in two.  They kept telling her it would be soon, but she didn't believe it anymore.  She had already resigned herself to the fact that labor was never going to end, that the pain was just going to go on and on…

            "Chandler…" she whimpered, burying her face against his shoulder.  Chandler stroked her hair, trying to comfort her but having no idea how.  "Chandler, make it stop.  Please."

            "Oh, baby, I would if I could.  But it won't be much longer, sweetheart, and then you'll have your daughter.  And I know she's going to be just as beautiful as her mother…"

            He'd reverted back to his familiar terms of affection.  In spite of her pain, she hadn't missed the "baby" and "sweetheart".  She wondered what he was really thinking, and if he had even noticed that he was calling her those things again.  She didn't think he realized he was doing it.  And in a way, that made it even sweeter.  

            Another contraction made her arch her back, and Chandler was leaning close to her again, murmuring against her ear and rubbing her back with one hand.  She followed the doctor's instructions to push, though all the pushing she'd been doing hadn't seemed to be very productive.  

            "Here she comes!   I can see the head!"

            Chandler looked up in amazement, then leaned over to kiss Monica on the forehead, not wanting to leave her side even long enough to take a look.

            "She's almost here, Mon.  One more push, baby."

            "I can't…"

            "Yes, you can, Monica.  You can.  You're doing it for our daughter."

            Monica closed her eyes and nodded slightly, her face determined.  Barely five minutes later, Chandler's tears were mixing with hers as a tiny cry filled the room and the doctor joyfully announced that it was a girl.

            "I've never seen anything more perfect in my life."

            Monica smiled at his comment and held her daughter just a little tighter.

            "She is beautiful, isn't she?"

            "Yeah…"  Chandler lifted a tiny hand into his, and grinned when his daughter managed to wrap her hand around one finger.  "God, this is the most amazing feeling in the world."

            "I know," Monica responded quietly, tracing the outline of her daughter's nose and mouth with one finger.  Afraid that the conversation was about to be too much for her to bear, she changed the subject quickly.  "So what are we going to call her?"

            Chandler lifted his head.  "You haven't picked out a name yet?"

            "Well…no, not really.  I was hoping…well, I wanted you to at least have a say in it."

            "Oh…"  He was surprised by how happy that made him.  For some reason, the fact that she had been waiting for him made his eyes well up with tears.  He cleared his throat, knowing that not having this one VERY important detail already planned out had probably been killing his super-organized, compulsive-planner former girlfriend.  She had really gone out of her way to make sure he had a role to play.

            "Well, you must have at least had some picked out that you liked.  What were they?"

            Monica smiled as she looked down at her daughter, feeling a wave of nostalgia as she remembered all the nights she had lain in bed with baby names books, thinking about how much fun it would have been to be looking through the books with Chandler.  She was sure he would have been making jokes about some of those names left and right.  And she had dreamed about curling up next to him as they discussed it seriously, sharing their dreams for their child and their future together.  But he hadn't been there, and the process hadn't been nearly as much fun as she had always thought it would be.

            "I like Morgan…and Marissa…and Emily, but we can't name her that."

            "Why not?  I like Emily."

            Monica smiled.  That was her first choice too.  "Well, the main reason being my former sister-in-law."

            Chandler thought for a moment.  "Carol?  Did she have a girlfriend named Emily or something?"

            Monica laughed, shifting uneasily because of the pain even that small movement brought to her sore, exhausted body.  "Chandler, think British accent, wrong name at the altar, Lon…don…" 

            She trailed off, wondering what his reaction to that word would be.  He kept his eyes down, but when he looked up at her, he was smiling.

            "Oh.  Oh, yeah, _that _sister-in-law.  Well, you have so many…"  Monica smiled back at him, appreciating his attempt to gloss over her slip.  Chandler flushed slightly and gave her another sheepish grin.  "You're right.  I guess Ross would have a problem with that name, huh?"

            "And Rachel probably would too."

            "Hmmm…Too bad.  Emily Geller would be a nice name for this little girl."

            "Geller?"

            Chandler looked at her quickly and immediately looked away.  He had just assumed that the baby would take Monica's name – her maiden name.  He hadn't even considered…

            "So you'll be calling her "Burke" then."  He didn't try to hide the disappointment in his voice.  He felt his heart breaking all over again, and blinked back tears.  Richard was going to get her – both of them - after all.

            "No!  Why in the world would she be a "Burke"?"  Monica looked at him, her eyes searching his.  "Her last name will be "Bing"," she continued more softly.  "Like her father.  Why would it be anything else?"

            Chandler looked into her incredulous eyes, and could tell that she had never considered anything else.  Without thinking, he leaned in to kiss her, but remembered just in time and moved his lips up to her forehead.  

            "Thank you."

            Monica nodded slightly against his chest, feeling no need to ask any questions.  She pulled away and looked down at her daughter as she passed her carefully to him.  

            "I think I should be the one thanking you…" she whispered, tears filling her eyes again.  Chandler looked down at the baby in his arms and smiled sadly.

            "You know, when I imagined having children with you, this was never what I saw."

            Monica sighed, wishing he had let go on pretending for a little while longer.  

            "I know.  Me neither."

            "I always thought…Well, I guess it doesn't really matter.  We can't unmake love.  She's here now, and she's perfect, and God, Mon, I love her so much.  I just…want to hold her like this forever."

            "You're going to be a fantastic father, Chandler.  I just know it."

            Chandler swallowed, and wiped one hand quickly across his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he was crying.  Then he grinned, hit suddenly with a wave of inspiration – and a good way to end the sentimentality of the moment.  

            "I know what we should name her.  Emma Leigh."

            "Chandler, did you just totally miss that whole conversation?  We _can't_ name her Emily."

            "No, Mon.  Emma…"  He paused to make sure she got the point.  "…Leigh.  Like her middle name would be Leigh."

            Monica smiled and shook her head at him.  Even now, he could still make her smile with no apparent effort.  "That's clever, but I'm not sure Ross would see the humor in that."  She paused, her face thoughtful.  "But, I do like Emma…"

            Chandler thought about it too, sounding the name out in his head, then out loud as he gazed at his daughter.  "Emma Bing.  I love it."

            Monica smiled.  "I love it too."

            "So, seriously, what about her middle name?"

            "Umm…" Monica frowned, thinking.  "I don't know."

            "Hey…what about Geller?  That way she has both of our names.  Emma Geller Bing."

            Monica smiled, her eyes filling up again.  "Emma Geller Bing.  I think our daughter has a name."

            "Did you hear that, Emma?"  Chandler crooned to the baby.  "You've got a name!"

            "And someday we'll tell you about how your daddy picked it out all by himself."  Monica smiled at Chandler shyly, then held out her arms.  "Now, can I hold Emma again?  Please?"

            Unable to deny her, Chandler allowed her to take Emma, and stood up from the bed.  

            "If you're ready for visitors, I'll go get everyone and let them come in to meet Emma."

            Monica nodded, eager to show off her daughter, and Chandler kissed Emma on the forehead before heading for the door.  He stopped and looked back at them, his heart jumping into his throat as he watched them.  Monica and their daughter.  How many times had he imagined this scene?  And somehow, Monica was more beautiful, and Emma more precious, than he ever could have dreamed.  Leaning against the doorframe, he closed his eyes and let himself finish the thought he had begun earlier, talking to her in his mind.  

            _You know, when I imagined having children with you, this was never what I saw.  I always thought that we would be in love, and together, and happy.  _

He should have learned by now that his dreams weren't going to come true.

            **_The Present:_**

****

            He stared at her, and she at him, both lost in the memory they cherished, neither quite sure whether they were unwilling… or unable… to break the gaze.  For just a moment, he felt the connection again, and she could see the man that had been her best friend.  For just a moment, their hearts beat together.

Then Chandler broke the gaze and the spell was broken.  He stood up abruptly and retrieved his jacket from the kitchen, doing all he could to avoid making eye contact.  

"I'm going to spend the night across the hall.  I don't want to be far away, in case…If you need me, come and get me."

"Chandler, wait…"

"Mon, I really think it's best if I don't wait.  It's just too hard.  I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

"Chandler, I need to tell you something."

He turned to look at her, already fearing the worst.  "Okay, the last time you said something similar to that, I ended up with a daughter.  But you can't be pregnant, because we haven't…"  He paused, his eyes glued to his shoes.  "**_Are_** you pregnant?"

"What?  No!  That would be, um…"  She paused, blushing furiously.  "Biologically impossible," she mumbled, glad that he wasn't looking at her.  She wasn't sure why she was embarrassed, but she was. 

"Oh."  Chandler was confused, but decided not to ask questions.  Emma was three months old.  While not likely, it was certainly _possible_ for her to be pregnant.  "So, then, what's so important?  Are you moving to Connecticut with Richard or something?"  
            Monica was silent.  Chandler looked at her anxiously, his heart suddenly racing.  "You're not…"

Monica looked up and shook her head earnestly.  "No.  No, of course not.  I just…Well, I thought you should know that I…Well, see, I decided that…"

"Monica, just tell me."

She sighed and looked up at him, then blurted out the words in a rush.

"This morning, I told Richard the wedding was off."

_"We Can't Unmake Love"_

_John Berry and Wynonna Judd_

Before God and family we made the perfect start  
And swore death would be the only thing to keep us apart  
But we're fighting just like soldiers on a field of battle now  
And the life we made together is our only common ground  
She's got your eyes, my nose and our hearts…  
  
We can't unmake love  
And just erase all the years  
The sweetest little girl  
In all the world will still be here  
We promised love would last  
She's living proof it still does  
So even if we wanted to give up  
We can't unmake love  
  
Remember how the future looked as we'd lie awake and dream  
Thinking just how powerful the love we made could be  
And I can't help believing it's all still possible  
But if coming to our senses is gonna take a miracle  
She's right upstairs, right now, asleep  
  
We can't unmake love  
And just erase all the years  
The sweetest little girl  
In all the world will still be here  
We promised love would last  
She's living proof it still does  
So even if we wanted to give up  
We can't unmake love

_We promised love would last_

_She's living proof it still does._

_So even if we wanted to give up_

_We can't unmake love._

To Be Continued…

From the beginning of the story, I've been waiting to use this song as a title!!  This part was fun to write – Hopefully the next part will be along soon.  Oh, and please review!  


	10. I Thought You Knew

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Chapter 10

"I Thought You Knew"

Where we left off…

"This morning, I told Richard the wedding was off."

Complete silence.  

Monica watched him apprehensively as his face went from impatient to shocked, and his eyes got so big she thought it must hurt.  

"Umm…"  Chandler laughed nervously, sure that he hadn't heard what he thought he had heard.  "Wh…what?"

Monica sighed and ran her hand through her hair.  "I called the wedding off."

"Oh…"  

Yep, that's what he had heard.  He turned away, his mind frantically trying to process that piece of information.  No wedding.  That meant, of course, no marriage.  Which meant…what did that mean?

Monica studied his back, taken aback by his lack of reaction.  She wasn't sure what she had expected, but she knew she had expected more than "Oh".  

"Well…Aren't you going to ask me why?"

A long pause. 

"No."

Monica raised her eyebrows at his back, wishing that he would at least turn around so she could at least see his face.

"Okay…"  she responded with a shrug, as she turned back to the couch and sat down, picking up a magazine from the coffee table.  She'd learned a long time ago that when Chandler starting speaking in monosyllables, it was best to let him start talking in his own time.  Though she couldn't see his face, she knew that he had that look – that wide-eyed, unblinking, full freak-out-mode look he got – and that he wouldn't be able to stand the silence for long.  So he would either leave or talk.  

Chandler turned around.  Monica's calmness was both infuriating him and worrying him.  She had just called off her wedding. _Monica._  She shouldn't be calm.  Not at all.  And she obviously wasn't going to give him any more information until he asked.  

"Okay, fine.  _Why _are you calling off the wedding?"

Monica turned around on the couch so she could face him.  She couldn't quite decipher the look on his face.  

"Well, I…I don't…love him."

"You don't love him?  You don't LOVE him?!?!"

Monica looked up at him, surprised by the blazing anger in his eyes.  

"Chandler, shhh!  You're going to wake up Emma!"

Chandler looked guiltily toward Emma's bedroom and listened for a moment to make sure she wasn't crying, then turned his stance back toward Monica.

"You don't love him.  Is that all you have to say?"

"Isn't that enough?"  

"Enough?" Chandler hissed, making a conscious effort to keep his voice down.  "Enough?  You broke my heart and threw everything away and you don't even LOVE him?"

"Chandler, I…"  She had no idea what to say, and she was afraid that anything she did say was only going to make everything worse.

Chandler closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again and looking at her.  When he spoke, his voice was soft and controlled, but so solemn it almost frightened her.  

"I thought…for six months, I thought that my daughter belonged to another man.  Do you have any idea how that felt, Monica?  To know – or to think I knew – that you were having a child with someone else?  And then, when I found out that Emma was mine after all, the only reason I could think of to explain why you still wanted to marry him…why you would choose him over me…was because you really did love him.  And believe me, I tried as hard as I could to come up with some other reason – any reason but that.  And now you're telling me that you didn't?  That you DON'T?  How is that supposed to make me feel?  You almost married him and you don't even love him.  And yet…you said that you DID love me.  We share a child.  And you would still rather be with him than with me?"  
            "No!  That's not what I…I just thought it was the best choice."

"How can that be the best choice?"  His voice was getting louder with each word.  "Why, Mon?  _Why_ is he so much better than me?"

"He's not!"  Monica cried, forgetting to care about waking up Emma as her eyes filled up with tears.  "He's not better, but he wanted me!"

"What is that supposed to mean?"  Chandler yelled back.  "Are you implying that I DIDN'T?"  
            "**YES!**"  Monica sobbed, tearing streaming down her face as all of the emotions came flowing back.  "You DIDN'T want me.  Not for the rest of your life."

"**What**?"

"Don't play dumb, Chandler.  You told me how you felt about marriage, and that you didn't want to EVER get married!  What did you expect me to do?  Just wait around?"  
            "But I –"

"But nothing.  You didn't want to give me forever, Chandler.  That was the end of our story."

Chandler winced as her bedroom door slammed behind her, and stared at the closed door, desperately wanting to go in after her.  He sank onto the couch, trying to sort through everything that had just been said.  He thought about her last words, and his breath caught as he pictured the devastation on her face as she flung them at him.  

After all this time… Monica still believed that he hadn't wanted to marry her.  They had both been believing lies…all this time.  He sighed.  They would have to talk, to straighten all of this mess out – but he knew Monica wouldn't listen to him right now.  

But he knew he had to find a way to let her know the truth.

Monica stormed into Joey and Rachel's apartment, slamming the door behind her and stopping dead in her tracks when she saw Chandler slumped in the barca lounger.   He turned the chair around slowly, already knowing that it was Monica who had entered the apartment so loudly. He'd actually been expecting her sooner.  His slightly guilty eyes locked with hers, just as Joey wandered sleepily out of his room.

"What's all the rack…Oh, hey Mon."

"Joey, will you go across the hall and watch Emma for us, please?" Monica asked, never taking her eyes away from Chandler's.  

"Ummm…"  Joey looked to Chandler for help, and Chandler nodded.  

"Yeah, Joe, if you don't mind…"

Joey shrugged and went into his room to pull on some jeans and a sweatshirt.  

"Is Rachel here?"  Monica asked Chandler, her voice low.

"No, she stayed with Phoebe last night."

Monica nodded, just as Joey came back out of his bedroom, his hair still sticking out in about twenty different directions.

"Are you two going to be okay over here by yourselves?"

Monica and Chandler were too busy staring at each other to answer.  Joey finally shrugged and opened the door.

"From the looks on your faces, I have a feeling that when I come back either one of you is going to be dead, or Monica's going to be pregnant again."

Monica wheeled around to look at him, but Joey had already closed the door.  She turned back around slowly, expecting Chandler to be amused by that comment.  But he wasn't even looking at her.  She walked over to him and stood between him and the t.v., so he couldn't just ignore her.

"What is this?"  She asked him gravely, tossing the box he had left on the kitchen table into his lap.  Chandler glanced at her, then picked up the box and opened it slowly.

"Hmmm…looks like a ring to me."

"Chandler, don't play games.  I'm serious.  Where did that come from?"  She was angry…and she probably had a right to be.  Chandler sighed and looked at the ring, before closing the box and setting it aside, standing up to face her.

"I left it in your apartment the day I moved my things out.  I, I wanted you to have it, even if you didn't know you had it…  I hid it under a loose board in the window seat."

"But…this looks like an engagement ring."

"It is."

Monica felt her heart stop, and she stared at him in disbelief.

"It…well, who is it for?"

Chandler rolled his eyes and sat back down in the chair. 

"Monica, you're not stupid.  Who do you think it's for?"

Monica was silent for a moment before raising her eyes to his.  Yes, she had known.  From the moment she saw the box on the table, she had known, deep down.

"But…if you left it there the day you moved out, then…"

"I had it before we broke up," Chandler confirmed, rubbing his forehead with both hands.  

Monica collapsed onto the other chair, which Joey had moved back into his apartment after Chandler had left it to him in his note.  She closed her eyes, willing the world to stop spinning, and then opened them to look at Chandler, who was staring at the ceiling.

"Chandler… why would you buy an engagement ring if you didn't want to get married?"

"Monica, you already know the answer to that.  I bought you that ring because I _did_ want to get married.  I wanted to marry you.  I wanted to love you for the rest of my life.  I wanted to give you forever."

"Then why…?"

"It was all some stupid game.  I wanted it to be a surprise.  I was afraid you would figure it out, so…I tried to throw you off the track.  All the things I said…I didn't mean any of them.  It was…it was a plan.  I had no idea that Richard would propose and that you would _accept_ before I even had a chance…"

Monica brushed the tears off her cheek and leaned forward.  Surely this was all a dream…or some cruel joke Chandler was playing to…well, she didn't know why, but it couldn't be real. 

"So you're telling me that this was just some…misunderstanding?"

"Apparently."

"But why didn't you ask?  You had to have known I would say yes."  She could feel her stomach getting queasy as she waited for him to answer, her eyes begging him not to tell her now that he had changed his mind and decided not to ask her after all.  

"Well, the first time, Richard came into the restaurant and interrupted us, and um…well, you're the one that called out to him and got his attention."  Monica winced at the memory of that night.  She could remember thinking he was acting oddly.  Now it was painfully obvious why.  "And then…well, then there was the plan.  I was going to ask you the night you told me you were pregnant, but…"

"But?"

Chandler turned to gaze at her, tears streaming down his cheeks.  She could see the heartbreak in his red eyes, finally convincing her that this was all serious.

"You wanted to go first, remember?"

Monica stared at him, stricken.  He was right.  She'd insisted that she go first.  And he had…  Before he had a chance to talk, she'd already told him that she was marrying Richard instead.  No wonder he had run off.  If she had only let him talk first…

"Oh my God…" she whispered, and pressed her face against the back of the chair as she started to sob uncontrollably.  She couldn't believe that they had spent almost a year apart because of some stupid misunderstanding.  It was too much to take.  They were silent for a few moments as they thought about what might have been and what they were.  Finally, Chandler knelt down in front of her and put his arms around her, unable to watch her cry any longer without doing something.  Monica clung to him, trying to sort through everything he had just told her and find some sort of reasoning behind it.  There was no reasoning.  It was just too crazy.  They knew each other better than anyone else in the world…how could they not have known what the other was thinking?

She lifted her head and looked him in the eyes, realizing immediately that they were close – too close.  Swallowing hard, she moved just as he did.  They sat facing each other again, their eyes locked together, the expressions on both of their faces pained and remorseful.  Chandler sighed softly and reached out to take her hand.

"I didn't know you didn't know.  I thought for sure they had told you I was planning to propose."

"Who?"

"Anybody…Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe all knew.  I thought for sure they would tell you the truth after I left… And I don't mean this to sound mean, but…if nothing else, I thought they would tell you just to make you feel guilty."

"Well…they didn't."  Monica's voice hollowed as she remembered the months while he was gone.  "No one but Ross even talked to me for the first four months you were gone.  You know Ross, he has strong ideas about loyalty, especially to family.  If I hadn't been his sister, he probably would have avoided me, too.  Joey…Joey didn't say a word to me from the day you left until the day Emma was born.  And I knew he was there for that only because of you.  Even now…haven't you noticed that he goes out of his way to avoid me?  Phoebe too.  They've never forgiven me.  Not really.  Apparently our friends are more loyal to you than to me."

"Oh, Monica…I didn't want them to…I had no idea."

Monica shrugged.  "I understood.  I probably would have done the same thing."  
            "What about Rachel?"

Monica tried to smile, but it didn't come off very well.  

"Rachel's very protective of you.  She finally came around, but she refused to talk about you, or to listen to me talk about you.  Even now, she doesn't like to.  That's one of the rules we follow, I guess."

            "Oh…"  He felt guilty.  He could only imagine how Monica had felt – lonely and pregnant, with, he now realized, a heart just as broken as his.  "I'm…I'm sorry."

            "It's not your fault, Chandler.  It was my choice to make, and I made it.  I just made the wrong one.  It wasn't their fault.  They had every right to be mad at me.  I should have trusted your love."

            "Yes…you should have.   You should have known me better than to really believe those things I said. But Monica…I had already proposed to you twice.  Didn't you think about that?  All of these months, didn't you wonder?"

            "I thought about that, Chandler.  But both of those proposals were spur of the moment.  The first one shouldn't even count, and Vegas…well, it was Vegas.  And keep in mind, we decided then that we weren't ready for marriage.  After you got that message from the museum about me booking our "wedding", I figured that you realized…"

            Chandler shook his head sadly.  "You should have known, Monica."

            Monica looked at him, realizing that she wasn't the only one who had made mistakes.  She had questions for him, too.

            "And you should have known that I would never cheat on you.  How could you believe I would do that?"

            Chandler looked down, knowing she was right.  He had made his fair share of assumptions as well.

            "Monica…try to look at it from my shoes.  You told me you were pregnant, and the next sentence out of your mouth was that you were going to marry him.  Wouldn't you think the same thing?"

            "Maybe.  But that was a horrible accusation for you to make."

            "But, Mon, you didn't deny it.  And the way you presented it to me, I don't know that anyone would have believed differently.  I know that I was wrong, and I am so, so sorry.  But I was hurt and angry, and…I had lost you, Monica.  That's the only excuse I can offer."

            "I can't believe this is happening.  It was all just a big, stupid mistake."

            Chandler looked at her, knowing that wasn't all it was.  

            "Monica, no matter what I said or did, or what you thought, you _consciously_ made the decision to marry someone else.  Not just someone else…_Richard.  _You can't play that off as a mistake.  THAT was a decision.  Just like it was my decision to leave, and my decision to play games with you about marriage.  We both made mistakes, yes.  And we're both to blame.  But we can't just pass this off as some terrible twist of fate.  We made _choices_."

            Monica looked down, tears running down her cheeks again.  Silence again, as she gathered up all the nerve she could find.  The subject of their past seemed to be exhausted, but she knew it was no longer their past that was in question.

            "I still love you, Chandler," she whispered, not daring to look at him for fear of what she might see in his face.  She waited, her rapid heartbeats audible, for him to respond.  She finally heard him take a shaky breath, as he reached out to take her hand.

            "I love you too, Monica."

_"I Thought You Knew"_

_Keith Urban_

_I thought you knew._

_Guess I assumed too much._

_I don't know how, but now we're so far out of touch._

_And I never planned_

_To so misunderstand._

_But what you needed you never asked me to give…_

_And I swear as I live_

_I thought you knew my heart was yours_

_And that we were so together_

_That we would always be._

_I don't believe you leavin' me's the answer_

_I'm not asking you to let me rush back in and fail again_

_I'm asking for one chance not to assume_

_So I can say and do_

_All the things I thought you knew._

_So here we are._

_And so far we're still so far_

_From where we know we should be_

_I'm searching for words and you haven't heard…_

_I thought you knew my heart was yours_

_And that we were so together_

_That we would always be_

_I don't believe you leavin' me's the answer_

_I'm not asking you to let me rush back in and fail again_

_I'm asking for one chance not to assume_

_So I can say and do_

_All the things I thought you knew._

_I thought you knew._

_Oh, god, I thought you knew._

To Be Continued…

_AN:  Okay, I was going to make this another cliffhanger, but I decided to end it nicely.  Don't think, though, that it's going to be that easy…Please review!_

  
  
            


	11. When You Come Back To Me Again

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Chapter Eleven

_"When You Come Back To Me Again"_

_AN: Sorry this took so long, but I've been really busy…and not a whole lot of inspiration.  I had it planned out through the last chapter, then I wasn't sure where to take it!  But I have some ideas now.  Anyway, hopefully the next chapter will be sooner, but no promises.  I'm trying to bring Ross and Phoebe into it…we'll see.  _

_(Where we left off…)_

"I still love you, Chandler," she whispered, not daring to look at him for fear of what she might see in his face.  She waited, her rapid heartbeats audible, for him to respond.  She finally heard him take a shaky breath, as he reached out to take her hand.

            "I love you too, Monica."

            She raised her eyes to his, hoping that she would be able to see the words reflected in his eyes.  But he was looking down, avoiding her gaze.  She placed a finger under his chin, forcing him to look up at her, and saw that there were fresh tears in his eyes.  He gazed at her in silence, allowing her too look deep into his heart before he suddenly released her hand and stood up, running his fingers through his hair and stuffing his hand in one pocket. 

            "It's not that easy, Mon.  We both know it's not as simple as saying 'I love you'."  

            "I know," she replied softly, wiping a few stray tears off her cheeks.  "But…I _do _love you.  And if we had only –"

            "No, Mon.  There's no place for "if only"s.  Trust me, I've been through every scenario there is.  There's a million of 'if only's, Monica, but none of them matter.  This – us – here, now… this is real.  And whether we're together or not…"  

He choked on his own words, realizing that _this _was the question before them now.  He turned to look at her, all of the feelings of the past months flooding him at once and leaving him lonely, hurt, upset, confused…and in love.  That had been the one constant through it all.  He'd never stopped loving her, even when he was trying his hardest to hate her.  Even when he thought he had almost succeeded…he had still loved her.

He could tell from the look on her face that the words had frozen her as well.  She swallowed, and looked down at her hands before taking a step closer to him and gently laying her hand on his arm.

"Does that mean…"  Monica stopped, unable to voice the question that they were both asking themselves.  The one they were both afraid to answer silently, much less out loud.

            "I…I don't...know…"  He paused and glanced at her.  With a deep sigh, he continued softly, pain from the past still etched in his voice.  "We can't go back.  We both know that.  Whoever Chandler and Monica were back then…that's all over.  Forever.  And that's sad, but…it's just life, I guess.  We both know there's nothing left for us in the past.  Only the memories of what we used to be.  And…Emma."

            "So…what are you saying?  That there's no hope for us?  That…we're over?  Again?"  Monica heard the desperation in her own voice, but she didn't care.  She felt like her entire life was staked on his answer.

            Chandler studied her tortured face, wondering how they had arrived at this point.  It was rather ironic, given that twenty-four hours ago she had been engaged to someone else, and they'd both thought that the other was completely to blame for a broken heart.  Just yesterday hostility masked the pain and love that they both felt so deeply…  And now, a day and a sick child later, the truth had finally been told and there was a possibility…

            "There's always hope, Monica," he whispered, and leaned forward to kiss the top of her head, continuing to whisper against her hair as his arms slowly encircled her.  "I thought that hope for us was long gone, but maybe…maybe I was wrong."

            Monica shifted her head so that she could look up at him.  He was staring across the room, seemingly oblivious of everything, especially her.  Monica watched him for a few minutes, then returned her head to his chest, listening to his heartbeats and thinking that this was where she belonged.

            "So I see you decided to go the pregnant route, huh?"  

They snapped to attention immediately.  Chandler quickly released Monica as they turned to look at a smug-faced Joey in the doorway, neither quite sure why they felt like they'd been caught doing something they shouldn't have been.  Monica realized first that he didn't have their daughter with him.

"Joey…what is it?  Where's Emma?"

Chandler heard the note of panic in Monica's voice and instinctively placed a hand on her back to calm her.  Joey's face immediately grew serious, and he gestured to the open door across the hall.

"She's in her room.  She wouldn't stop crying and I thought…"

Monica rushed across the hall before he could finish, Chandler at her heels.  Joey followed more slowly, hoping he hadn't done something wrong.  He usually insisted that Rachel or Phoebe baby-sit with him, because he was terrified of doing something to hurt Emma.  But it still felt good to know that Monica trusted him with the baby, in spite of everything.  Which reminded him, what was up with the scene he had walked in on?  Chandler and Monica… hugging???  Had they just _forgotten_ that they were practically sworn enemies?  

Joey shook his head.  He'd never understand those two.  

Monica lifted Emma from her crib, bouncing her gently in an effort to make her stop crying.  But Emma was still wailing, making Joey cringe.  Chandler stroked the baby's forehead, leaning over to brush a kiss against her cheek, then looked at Joey.

            "How long has she been crying like this?"

            "About fifteen minutes.  I thought she might need more medicine, but I didn't want to interrupt…"

            "No…Joey, it's fine.  Thank you."  Monica glanced at him with a smile, and Joey just nodded, obviously relieved that he had done the right thing.  He looked toward Chandler, obviously wanting an explanation for what he had walked in on, but Chandler's attention was solely on Emma.  Deciding they could come and get him if they needed him, Joey quietly left the three of them alone and went back across the hall, collapsing into his chair.  He jumped back up almost immediately, and looked to see what it was that was poking him. 

            He stared at the velvet box in amazement, then looked around the room to make sure nobody was watching before peering inside.

            It was a ring.  THE ring.

Monica knew.

_The following will be in script form to make it easier – and maybe less confusing… Just imagine the scene switching from character to character as they talk, time lapse between each speech._

JOEY:  Phoebe!  You will never be_lieve_ what just happened.  Monica knows Chandler was going to propose – and they were hugging!

PHOEBE:  Rachel! Rachel!  You are sooo gonna flip out over THIS gossip… Chandler gave Monica the ring!  The RING!  And Joey said when he walked in they were practically making out… Oh my God, what does this MEAN???

RACHEL:  Ross, I swear.  She told me yesterday that she'd called of the wedding…the wedding with Richard, I mean…but I had no IDEA she and Chandler were back together – much less planning on finally getting engaged.  They were practically having sex on the floor of my apartment!  So tell me this.  When did your sister's life get more interesting than mine?

ROSS: (moodily)  You'd think she'd at least tell ME about all this.  I mean, I am her brother.  But no…she calls off her wedding to Richard so she can get engaged to Chandler and never even tells me about it.  (angry) I wonder how long they've been sleeping together without telling us THIS time?  I swear I'm gonna kill Chandler… Joey?  Joey, you still there?  What, have you been keeping secrets for them again?

JOEY:  (Lost)  Chandler and Monica have been sleeping together?  (Frustrated)  Man, they are GOOD ACTORS!  

Meanwhile…

Monica screwed the nipple onto a bottle of water, and handed it to Chandler, who was holding a quiet but exhausted Emma.  Emma tried to grab the bottle as Chandler put it in her mouth, and succeeded in getting her hand to connect with the bottle as she started to suck thirstily.  Chandler smiled distantly, still too worried about Emma's slight fever to fully appreciate this accomplishment.  

            Monica reached for Emma's hand, and smiled when her daughter immediately grabbed her finger and held on tightly.  She brushed her other hand over the top of Emma's head and watched Emma struggle to keep her eyes focused on Chandler's face.

            "Look at her, Chandler.  This one's definitely gonna be Daddy's little girl."

            "You think?"

            "Yeah…"  Chandler heard the wistfulness in her voice, and turned to look at her.

            "Are you jealous?" he asked, incredulous.  She didn't need to answer - her face gave her away.  "You are.  Monica, come on.  She's just as much yours as mine.  And she _adores_ you.  You are really just the…perfect mother.  She's a lucky little girl."

            Monica managed a smile, but didn't respond to that.  She didn't trust her voice.  They sat there together, watching as Emma slowly fell asleep.  When her eyes finally closed for good, Chandler placed the bottle on the table and leaned back against the couch, cradling his sleeping daughter close.

            "Do you think she realizes that her Mommy and Daddy are both with her?"

            Monica nodded slowly, running one finger down the side of Emma's face.

            "Yeah, I think she knows.  She seems more content, even if she's sick.  Don't you think?"

            "Yeah.  I guess she does.  It's just too bad that she had to get sick to be able to have both of us at the same time.  We were really selfish."

            "Yeah, really selfish.  We shouldn't have taken our problems out on her."  

            Chandler shifted his gaze from Emma to Monica.  "But that's going to change, right?  I mean, now we know…"

            "I want it to change…Emma needs us, both of us.  And she deserves to have both of us.  And not just for a couple of days at a time."

            "Monica…"  Chandler swallowed and took a deep breath, deciding it was time to address the question they had been asking silently since the moment Monica realized that the ring had been for her.  Before he could open his mouth, the door slammed open and Ross stormed into the apartment, glowering at both of them.  

            "So…I hear you two are getting married.  Wanna explain?"  

            Chandler deposited Emma safely in her bed, then closed the door behind him as he walked back into the living room, where Monica was trying to reason with Ross.

            "Ross, don't you think I would tell you if we were planning to get married?"

            "I don't know.  Apparently you don't feel the need to tell anyone that you're sleeping together."

            "Ross, that was three years ago.  Get over it already."

            "I'm not talking about then, I'm talking about _now_."

            "What about now?  We're definitely not sleeping together now."

            "But…"

            "No buts.  We're not."

            Ross glanced at Chandler, who just shrugged and nodded, still confused as to where Ross was getting this information.  Ross managed an apologetic smile as he took a step away.

            "Oh.  Well, did you call off your wedding?"

            Monica nodded slowly.  "Yes, I did."

            "Well…if the wedding's off, are you two getting back together?"

            Monica and Chandler looked at each other, the question finally asked.  Chandler finally looked back at Ross, and spoke softly.

            "Ross, I think you should leave us alone.  We need to talk about a few things."

            After Ross had been ushered out, and the door locked to other curious friends who would no doubt be coming by, Chandler took Monica's hand and led her into Emma's room.  He looked down at his daughter, and then at Monica, who had her eyes fastened on the baby.

            "Mon…we can't get back together."

            Her head turned toward him immediately, and he was shocked at how quickly tears could fill her eyes.  He tried to pull her into his arms, but she resisted.  He looked at the ground, trying to choose his words, and to make her understand.

            "We had something special, Monica.  Nobody is debating that.  And I…I wish it could be simple.  I really do.  It would be so easy to just throw caution to the wind and just let ourselves be in love.  But we can't do that.  We're responsible for her.  We have to do what's best for Emma…even if it means that we don't get everything we want."

            "What's best for Emma?  Please explain to me why having two parents that love each other and are committed to each other is not best for Emma.  Because I thought we just agreed that she needs both of us."

            "We did agree.  And she'll have both of us.  It's just…Monica, we've been through an awful lot – and two days ago, we couldn't even be in the same room together!  Don't you think that jumping back into a relationship is risky?  Do you want to put Emma through a break-up, or worse, a divorce?  Right now, she might not be that affected – at least I hope our relationship for the first three months of her life won't affect her too badly - but she's going to start to understand soon.  And I think that we need to make sure that we don't put her in the middle of a rocky romance."

            "What makes you think it will be rocky?"

            Chandler sighed.  "Monica, let's be realistic.  I would love to think that everything would be perfect and the three of us would be happy together forever, but I can't just hope.  I have to know before I can put Emma in that situation.  I think it's better for us to be apart than to jump back into a risky relationship."

            In spite of herself, Monica understood his position, even if she didn't want to agree.  But he was right.  As much as she wanted to insist that everything would be fine this time around, she couldn't promise Emma that.  And he was right…If Emma hadn't gotten sick, she and Chandler would probably still be avoiding each other, not knowing… When had Chandler become the voice of reason?  This sounded like something she should be saying to him, not the other way around.  But she knew how much he had changed since Emma was born, and that was just another reason he was right.  They weren't the same people they were then.  They had to get to know each other all over again.

            She looked at him, ready to concede, only to find that he was crying silently, his shoulders shaking.  As soon as their eyes met, they moved together, holding each other tightly.

            "It's not what I want, Monica.  It's not.  I love you.  But-"

            "I love you too.  But you're right.  It's best for Emma.  And for us.  For now…"  She trailed off, her question lingering.  Chandler wiped his eyes and managed a wobbly smile.

            "For now.  I think it's important that we become friends again.  Because we haven't been friends, Monica, not by any stretch of the imagination.  And you…You were always my best friend, Monica.  I want that back."

            "Do you really think it's possible for us to be just friends again, Chandler?  Can you just forget everything that's happened and go back to a time when you were "just my annoying friend Chandler"?"

            "Noo…" Chandler answered slowly.  "I can't forget.  But I think it's possible.  Looks like Ross and Rachel are finally getting the hang of "just friends"

            "But…"

            "I know.  But you told me a million times that our relationship was so strong because we were friends first.  And even then…it fell apart.  So I think in this case, we just need to start over, from the beginning.  Only now we have a daughter."

            Monica looked down at Emma for a long time, and finally nodded her agreement.  It wasn't what she wanted, but she knew deep down that he was right.  And it was much, much more than she had thought possible even twelve hours ago.  She should be thankful that they were getting a second chance, rather than upset because they couldn't just go back to what used to be.

            "Okay."

            Chandler smiled slightly and stroked her cheek.  

            "Thank you…for understanding.  But before we officially become "just friends"…"

            He stared deliberately into her eyes for a long moment, then slowly leaned in and kissed her tenderly.

            To Be Continued…

            "When You Come Back To Me Again" is by Garth Brooks.  I'm not going to worry about the lyrics.


	12. If I Should Fall Behind

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Chapter Twelve

"If I Should Fall Behind"

_Where we left off…_

They both melted into the kiss, the feeling they had missed for so many months drugging them and making it almost impossible to pull away.  Monica finally gathered all of her willpower and pushed reluctantly against his chest, forcing herself to separate her lips from his.  Chandler's face followed hers for a split second before he came back to reality.  He opened his eyes and gave her an apologetic smile.

            "Sorry.  I've just been dreaming about that kiss for months."

            Monica smiled back and rubbed her thumb gently, almost thoughtfully, across his lips.  

            "Don't apologize.  I've been dreaming about it too."

            For a moment, Chandler considered taking back everything he had just said and telling her that he needed to be with her.  He wasn't sure he could remember how to just be friends with her.  He _knew_ that he didn't want to be.  But then he glanced at Emma and swallowed the words.  It didn't matter what he wanted.

            "So…Um, what now?"

            Monica shrugged.  Chandler studied her face, hoping she would give him some clue, but she just looked back at him, her blue eyes wide and open.  He smiled slightly.

            "Emma's got your eyes."

            "What?"  Monica glanced down at their sleeping daughter, then back at Chandler, confused by the abrupt change in the conversation.

            "You really have no idea how much she looks like you.  That look in your eyes just then – it's the same one she gets when she's concentrating on something, like my face when I'm feeding her."

            "Oh."  Monica smiled down at Emma, then reached into the crib and adjusted the blanket, letting her hand rest briefly on her forehead before she turned back to Chandler.  "I'll take that as a compliment."

            "It was.  For both of you."

            Monica managed to smile, though she felt like crying for some reason she couldn't explain.  She broke their gaze and turned slightly so they were no longer facing each other.  

            "This is so weird," she said, punctuating the statement with a frustrated sigh.  "I don't know what to say to you."

            Chandler sighed too, running his hand through his hair and backing up so he could lean against the wall.  "Me either.  I guess this will take some getting used to."

            "It's going to be hard, Chandler.  It's been a long time since we were "just friends"…and we can't just pretend there was never anything else.  Emma's pretty incriminating evidence."

            "Yeah.  I'm not sure where the middle ground is either.  But we'll find it.  It just might take awhile."

            "Awhile."  Monica had to fight the urge to ask him how long he intended to keep this charade going, but she kept her mouth closed.  She didn't want to sound like she wasn't on board with this little plan.  And besides, she was a little afraid of what his answer might be.  

            "Well…" Chandler cleared his throat awkwardly.  "I…I think I'll go down and have some coffee."  He started toward Emma's crib to say goodbye, then stopped abruptly.  "Unless you'd like to go.  I'll stay with Emma if you want."

            "No.  Go ahead."  Monica wondered if she sounded as relieved that he was leaving as she felt.  She was sure if they stayed in this awkward situation any longer, she was going to say or do something she would regret.  "She'll be hungry soon anyway, and we've used all the bottles."

            Chandler flushed slightly and nodded.  While he hadn't had Ross's reaction to breast milk in a bottle, he still tried his best to forget what he was holding when he was feeding Emma.

            "Okay, then."  He lowered the side of Emma's crib so he could lean over and kiss her cheek, and rubbed her back gently.  "Bye, Emmers.  Feel better, sweetie."

            He turned to Monica.  "I'll, um…see you later."

            She only nodded, but looked up when he hesitated before leaving.  He smiled nervously, then awkwardly kissed her cheek before he left the room.  Monica waited to hear the front door close behind him, then lifted Emma carefully out of her crib - making sure she didn't wake up - and sat down with her in the rocking chair.  She cuddled the baby close, tears falling from her eyes as she thought about the last couple of hours. 

            "You're not even going to remember today, sweetie.  But I will.  Today, I realized that something I had heard all of my life is true.  You can't really love a man with all your heart until you see him love his children.  He does love you, baby.  So much that he can think about you instead of what he…we…want.   And I… Emma, I don't think I've ever loved your daddy as much as I do right this minute."

            Chandler was deep in thought as he walked into Central Perk, and didn't even notice his friends until they had all called his name several times.

            "Oh…hey guys."  He signaled to Gunther, who had memorized his order years ago, and collapsed on the sofa next to Phoebe, leaning his head against the back.  He peered at his friends beneath half-closed eyelids, not surprised to see them looking at him expectantly.  "Soooo…who wants to go first?"

            A brief silence, then a clamor as they all tried to ask their questions at once.  Chandler sighed.

            "Never mind, just let me guess.  No, Monica and I are not back together.  Yes, she knows I was going to propose, and yes, I know she called the wedding off.  No, we have no plans to get married at the present time," he paused and glanced pointedly at each one in turn.  "In spite of recent gossip you may have heard, told, or formulated.  No, we are not sleeping together.  No, Monica is not pregnant again.  Yes, we are friends – or we're going to try to be.  No, we're not giving Emma to Joey and Rachel to raise, and yes, Monica is secretly married to a Russian priest.  Any other questions I haven't answered?"

            "How did she meet some guy from Russia_?"_

            "Why would you give Emma to Joey and Rachel instead of to her _uncle_?"  

            Chandler just gave Joey a look and rolled his eyes at Ross's hurt face.  "Joey, there is no Russian priest.  I was being sarcastic.  You know, I do that sometimes.  And Ross…of course we're not giving our child to Joey and Rachel.  Get over it.  Any other questions?"

            Ross eyed him for a minute, as if he was suspicious that Chandler and Monica had already made the change in their wills, then sat back in the chair to pout.

            "Do you still love her?" Rachel asked softly.

            Chandler nodded with a half-smile, his eyes revealing the depth of his feelings.  "Yeah, I do…more than ever."

            "Does she love you?"  This came from Joey, who was starting to feel guilty for assuming the worst about Monica all those months ago.  

            Again Chandler nodded, his smile getting a little bigger.  "Yeah, she does."

            "But you're not getting back together?"  

            "No…not now.  I thought – and Monica agreed – that we owed it to Emma to take our time and work through things before we try "us" again.  No matter how much we love each other, we obviously still have issues.  Maybe one day..." They all heard the longing in Chandler's voice, and Phoebe just smiled to herself.  If he only knew…

            Chandler glanced around at his friends, who were all smiling at him sympathetically, and realized that while he was sitting here with all four of them for company, Monica was upstairs with only a sleeping baby to talk to. 

Just like it had been while he was at his mother's.  

He felt a wave of guilt wash over him and for a moment, he wished he had insisted on staying with Emma and let Monica come downstairs.  It wasn't fair that she was the one that kept being left on her own.    

            "Hey Rach, will you do me a favor?"

            "Sure."

            "Um…Mon's upstairs with the baby…all by herself…"

            Rachel smiled in immediate understanding, and reached for her jacket.  

            "You know what?  I think I'll go upstairs and get Monica's side of the gossip – uh, story."

            "Ooh!  I'm coming too!"

            Rachel looked a little surprised, but she simply nodded and let Phoebe follow her out the door.  As soon as the girls were gone, Ross and Joey moved over to sit next to Chandler, ready to hear all the details.  Chandler ignored them and took a sip of his coffee, hoping they would leave him alone, or at least talk about something other than his relationship with Monica.

            No such luck.

            "Monica?" Rachel called out softly, trying to get Monica's attention without waking up Emma.  A few seconds later, Monica came out of Emma's bedroom with the baby in her arms.  

            "Hey Rach.  Oh…hey Phoebe."

            Monica looked surprised to see Phoebe in her apartment, and Rachel couldn't blame her.  It was no secret that Phoebe and Joey had been avoiding Monica since she broke up with Chandler.  At first it was out of loyalty to Chandler and later out of…well, guilt, Rachel had assumed, for starting to avoid her in the first place.  Monica had never held it against any of them, but… Rachel knew that Monica felt the tension, and she would bet her silver bracelet collection that Monica had shed more than a few tears about the situation.

            "Hey, Mon."  Phoebe looked like she was starting to wonder if she should have stayed downstairs with the guys.  She lowered her eyes and took a deep breath, preparing to launch into a long overdue apology, but Monica stepped forward before she could speak.

            "Hold Emma for me?  I need to get her another blanket."

            Phoebe glanced up, her arm automatically reaching out to accept the baby, and met Monica's eyes in surprise.  Monica smiled gently.  It seemed that it was the day for mending broken relationships.  

            "Don't apologize.  You're here now."

            Rachel grinned at the simple reunion, and interrupted the moment before it got too sappy.  She didn't want to talk about how stupid they all had been – she wanted to talk about how stupid Chandler and Monica had been.  

            "So…we saw Chandler downstairs."

            Monica glanced at her friend, eyebrows raised but not surprised.  "Did you?"

            "Yep.  Sooo…?"

            Monica sighed and scrunched up her face.

            "Any way I can divert your interest to any topic _other_ than Chandler and me?"

            "Not a chance."

            "Didn't think so."

            Rachel jumped onto the couch and crossed her legs, eager to get the conversation started.  Phoebe followed more slowly, returning Emma - who was now awake and starting to whimper for her mother - to Monica.  Monica sighed and reached for a pacifier before settling into the armchair with Emma.  It was going to be a long afternoon…

            "Hello ladies!"

            Four pairs of eyes swung toward the door as Chandler walked into the room, but he was only aware of two sets of bright blue ones.  Ignoring Rachel and Phoebe, he knelt in front of Monica and tickled the bottom of Emma's foot, making her grin and squirm happily in Monica's arms.  

            "How's my favorite girl feeling?  Mommy took good care of you, huh?"  He winked at Monica, then leaned forward under the pretense of lifting Emma out of Monica's lap.

            "I thought you might need saving," he whispered in her ear, pausing long enough to read the relief in her eyes before he stood up with Emma.  So he wasn't the only one tired of questions.

            "Phoebs, why don't we go down and get some coffee?  Emma's probably…tired…"  Rachel trailed off, unable to come up with a good reason to leave them alone.  Phoebe, though, didn't understand the suggestion, and looked at Rachel incredulously.

            "Tired?  She's been sleeping all day.  Besides, that child could sleep through a hurricane."

            Rachel shook her head and spoke through clenched teeth.

            "Phoebe, let's go downstairs and leave Chandler and Monica _alone_."

            Phoebe's eyes widened in sudden understanding and she nodded excitedly.

            "Oh!  Yeah, coffee.  Coffee's good.  Hey, Rach, let's go get some of that."

            Rachel rolled her eyes and glanced back at Monica with a smirk as she walked toward the door.  Chandler grinned as the door shut behind them.

            "Subtlety is completely lost on them, isn't it?"

            Monica sank deeper into the chair, looking up at him wearily.         

            "Did you have to endure the same exhausting process with Ross and Joey as I did with them?"

            Chandler nodded solemnly.  "Yeah.  I feel like I've just relived every minute of the past three years, and then they put me through every possible scenario for the next ten.   Did you know there's a good chance that I'm going to die an early death all alone while you get married to a rich lawyer and move to Paris with Emma?"

Monica smiled.  "That sounds like a Ross scenario."

Chandler grinned back.  "It was.  Joey, by the way, is a hopeless romantic.  In his mind, we either live happily ever after and have like ten kids, or we spend the rest of our lives trying to find someone else, only to realize when it's too late that we should have been together the whole time."

"Wow.  That's really depressing."

"I thought so, too.  I guess it's Joey's subtle way of telling me that he thinks we should give up the whole "friends" thing and just get back together."   

            "So…what did you tell them?  About why we're not together?"

            Chandler looked at her, his eyes slightly worried.  

            "I told them we agreed it was best for Emma if we put our romantic relationship aside for now and got our friendship back on track."

            Monica nodded.  "Okay."

            "We did agree, didn't we?"

            "Yes," Monica replied, a little too quickly.  "We agreed."

            Chandler nodded, his eyes fastened to her face, not completely convinced.  But then, he hadn't completely convinced himself it was best yet either, so he could hardly blame her for having the same doubts.

            "So, what did Rach and Phoebe have to say?"

            "They didn't say much…just plied me with questions – the same ones over and over and over.  Are you sure he still loves you?  Are you sure you still love him?  Why did you decide to be friends?  Ugh…and let's just say I had to tell them about how I found the ring on the table like twelve times.  Emma's first word will probably be 'ring'."

            Chandler grinned, happy for an opportunity to change the subject.

            "No, Emma's first word will be "Dada".  Right, Ems? Dada." 

"Why Dada?" Monica asked, slightly annoyed.  "I'm the one who endured hours of labor to bring her into the world.  Why should you get her first word?"

Chandler smirked at her.  "Just because.  Dada, Emma.  Da-da."  He held his daughter up and looked at her expectantly, as if he really expected the three month old to be able to repeat the sound.  Emma just stared at him blankly.  Chandler finally shrugged and turned his attention to someone who could answer him, smiling at the look of pure annoyance still on Monica's face.  

            "Soo…got any plans for tonight?"

            Monica shook her head thoughtfully.  "No…Well, I was-"  She stopped abruptly and gave him a slight smile.  "We both seem to forget that I just broke up with my fiancé yesterday.  Gosh, it seems like a lifetime, doesn't it?"

            Chandler smiled back at her, though the very mention of Richard upset him.  He ignored the pang of jealousy, reminding himself that Richard no longer had any claim to either one of the girls in the room.  "Well since you're free…and I'm free… wanna order pizza?"

            Monica gazed at him steadily.  Could it really be that easy?  Surely…surely it had to be more complicated than this.

            "Okay."

            "Okay."  He grinned at her, surprised at how happy just sitting comfortably in the room with her made him.  He lifted Emma up in front of him and kissed her forehead.  "And we'll watch "Dumbo", won't we Emma?  Just you and me and Mommy."

            Monica's breath caught as Chandler turned to look at her, the same thought crossing both their minds at the same time.

            You and me and Mommy.  

            It almost sounded like they were a family.

            Chandler hit the rewind button, amazed that he – Chandler Bing – had actually watched a Disney movie all the way through – especially since neither Emma or Monica had made it past the first half hour.  

            "Man, I really am a father…"  He glanced at Emma, who was sleeping in a bassinet Monica kept by the couch for just such an occasion.  Her cheeks were slightly flushed, and her tiny fist was resting next to her head.  Chandler smiled down at her, knowing that nothing in the world could ever be as beautiful to him as his child.  Not even her mother.

            His gaze turned to Monica.  She looked exhausted.  He knew without asking that she probably hadn't slept at all the night before, between their fight and her worries about Emma.  And it had been a long, soul-searching, angst-ridden day.  She deserved her rest.  

            He carefully lifted her feet off his lap and stood up.  He'd put Emma to bed first, then carry Monica into her room, so she'd be more comfortable.  Just as he was leaving Emma's room, there was a knock on the door.  Chandler sighed, assuming it was one – or several – of their friends, just coming by to "check" on them.  He glanced at Monica and walked over to the door, one finger already covering his lips in a gesture of silence for whoever was on the other side.  Trying not to look annoyed, he swung the door open and froze.

            "Richard?"

            "Chandler!  What the hell are you doing here?"

            Chandler narrowed his eyes, daring Richard to question him further.  "Well, for starters, _my_ daughter lives here.  What's your excuse?"

            Richard ignored the question.  "Where's Monica?  I need to talk to her."

            "Keep your voice down, Mr. Burke.  Monica's asleep on the couch.  I was just getting ready to take her into the bedroom."

            Chandler didn't miss Richard's startled glance, but didn't comment.  Richard pushed past him, obviously headed to the couch to wake Monica up, but Chandler grabbed his arm to stop him.

            "I don't think you have anything to say that she wants to hear, and I can guarantee you that you won't want to hear what she has to say.  Don't wake her up.  She needs her rest."

            Richard wheeled around, fastening a stony glare on Chandler.  "Who are you to judge what Monica wants or needs?"

            "You'd be surprised."  Monica's solemn voice made them both turn toward the couch.  Monica sat up slowly, her eyes locked on Richard.  "What are you doing here, Richard?"

            "Well, I…"  Richard glanced at Chandler, obviously hoping he would go away and leave them some privacy.  Chandler didn't move.  Richard turned back to Monica, who didn't look too much more encouraging.  "I…I love you.  I thought…I was hoping you would change your mind.  I want to marry you.  You said you wanted to marry me…"

            Chandler glanced at Monica anxiously, waiting for her reaction.  Her eyes softened slightly, then her gaze turned from Richard to Chandler and back again.  

            "Richard, I'm sorry.  Really I am.  But when I told you that…I lied.  To you, to myself…I never wanted to marry you, Richard.  Not really.  You were just a substitute.  I hate to put it so bluntly, but it's the truth.  I meant what I told you yesterday.  I don't love you.  We weren't meant to be, and there's nothing that can change that."

            "But, Mon, we-"

            "There's not buts, Richard.  I'm sorry."

            Richard looked at Chandler, and for just a second, Chandler could relate to what he was probably feeling.  He even felt sorry for him.  But he wasn't about to let him ruin his life a second time.

            "Richard, I think it's best if you leave."

            "Just tell me one thing.  Do you love him?"

            Monica looked at Chandler and smiled gently, making his heart race.  "I do."

            Richard closed his eyes, the words obviously breaking his heart.  After a moment, he took a deep breath.

"Okay then…if he's what you want, then I hope you're happy." His voice implied that he deemed this impossible.   After a moment's hesitation, he looked at Chandler, his eyes challenging him.  

            "Don't break her heart again."

            Chandler nodded silently and looked over at Monica.

            "I don't intend to."  It was a promise to Monica rather than Richard, but Richard accepted it.  He glanced back at Monica one more time, and walked out the door.  

            Central Perk was more crowded than usual when Chandler made his way into the restaurant the next day at lunchtime.  He looked around for Monica, and finally spotted her sitting at a table in the back with Joey.  He smiled, hoping that they had finally made up completely.  Judging from the smiles on both faces, they had.  He sauntered over to them, and pulled up a chair, straddling it as he greeted them.  

            "Hey guys.  What's going on?"

            Monica turned to him with a smile.  "Joey was just telling me about this audition he's going to.  He's gotta…well…"

            Monica blushed and trailed off, unable to finish.  Joey quickly leaned over and whispered the explanation to Chandler. 

            "Ohhh…"  He sent Joey a confused look.  "But, how can you audition for the part if you don't have…"

            "Monica's gonna help me make one."

            Chandler tilted his head to one side and raised his eyebrows, sending Joey a glance of disbelief before turning to Monica.  

            "Okay, first of all, I would _love to hear on how you're planning to "make" an uncircumcised penis.  (AN:  Can't remember when that whole thing was…but I think it was in season seven.  And if it wasn't…well, just pretend.)  And two," Chandler turned suspicious eyes on Joey.  "I would also love to hear why you chose __Monica to help you with that."_

            Joey grinned.  "We're not _making a penis.  The one I've got works just fine," he continued with a smirk.  "We're just going to make a…well…a wrap, sorta…"_

            Chandler glanced at Monica, who looked like she couldn't decide whether to laugh at Joey or be embarrassed about her part in the whole thing.  She simply shrugged at Chandler, wiling to let Joey continue explaining their escapade.

            "And as for Monica…well, she's good at the kind of artsy-craftsy sort of thing."

            "But…but…"

            "Relax, man.  She's not going to see anything."

            Chandler sighed, obviously relieved.  

            "Hmm…good.  Well, it's nice to know you guys are friends again."

            Joey and Monica looked at each other with matching smiles, but didn't answer.  Joey stood up and clapped a hand on Chandler's shoulder.  

            "I'll leave you two to your lunch.  Mon, I'll see you this afternoon, okay?"

            "Sure, Joe."

            Chandler watched Joey leave and turned back to Monica.  

            "Where do you want to go for lunch?"

            Monica shrugged.  "You choose."

            "Gee, Mon.  Don't sound so excited."

            Monica raised her eyes to his and smiled apologetically. 

            "I'm sorry, Chandler.  I don't mean to sound like I don't want to be here, but…I'm just a little uncomfortable.  That line between friends and lovers…it's always been thin for us, and now I'm totally clueless as to where it is."

            Chandler just nodded.  "I know."

            They were both silent for a moment before Monica spoke softly.     

"You don't completely trust me, do you?"

            "With Joey?  Of course I do."

            "No, not with Joey.  Just…in general.  I saw the look on your face when Richard came by last night.  You were afraid that I would take him back, weren't you?"

            Chandler remained silent, his eyes down, not even wanting to admit it to himself, much less to Monica.

            "Chandler?"

            He looked up and gave a slight nod.  "I was scared."

            "Why?  You know that I love you…"

            Chandler swallowed and reached for Joey's empty coffee cup so his hands would have something to do.

            "Well, Mon…I thought I knew it before, too, and you still…"

            "That's why we're doing this, isn't it?  Being friends again first.  Not only for Emma, but so we can learn to trust each other again.  So you can trust me again."

            Chandler nodded again, his eyes still glued to the cup in his hands.  

            "Yeah…yeah, I guess so."

            Monica nodded, then reached across the table to squeeze his hand.

            "Just so you know, Chandler…I know how much I must have hurt you by getting engaged to someone else.  I can only imagine how you felt.  But I'll wait…Until you can truly trust me with your heart again, I'll wait for you."  

            Chandler looked up at her, his eyes filling quickly with tears and nodded.

"And if you…I'll wait for you too."

Monica smiled and stood up.  

"Let's go get lunch.  I've been talking to Joey, so it goes without saying that I'm in the mood for pizza."  She paused as a strange expression crossed her face.  "But not at the pig sex place."

            Chandler swallowed a laugh and stood up.  How could it be so hard…and yet so easy, all at the same time?

**"If I Should Fall Behind"**

**Faith Hill**  
  
We said we'd walk together  
Baby come what may  
Back from the twilight  
Should we lose our way  
As we were walking  
A hand should slip free  
I'll wait for you  
Should I fall behind wait for me  
  
Swore we'd travel together  
Darlin' side by side  
We'd help each other  
Stay in stride  
Each lover steps on  
So differently  
So I'll wait for you  
Should I fall behind wait for me  
  
Everyone dreams of  
A love lasting and true  
You and I know what this world can do  
So let's make ourselves be  
That the other may see  
And I'll wait for you  
Should I fall behind wait for me  
  
There's a beautiful river  
In the valley ahead  
There need be no drought  
Soon we will wed  
Should we lose each other  
In the shadow of the evening dreams  
Oh, I'll wait for you  
Should I fall behind wait for me  
Darlin' I'll wait for you  
Should I fall behind wait for me  
  
Wait for me  
If I should fall behind wait for me  
Wait for me

            _Thanks to Rogue for using this song in a fic and reminding me of it!  _


	13. I'm Not Gonna Do Anything Without You

"TOW The Past Isn't At Rest" – Chapter Thirteen

"I'm Not Gonna Do Anything Without You"

_Well, this is really just a filler, but it takes us from one point to the next…So, I'm sorry if not much happens, but in a way, a WHOLE LOT happens!_

_A week or two later…_

Chandler stared at the door, then raised his hand to knock – again.  Before he could make contact, his arm fell of its own accord, leaving him staring at the door again.  Disgusted with himself, he hesitated only briefly before willing himself to knock, twice.  He heard nothing at first, so he tentatively leaned his head toward the door to listen.  Just as his head was about to rest on the door, it swung open.  He jumped back immediately, a little disoriented by the suddenness, and looked into Monica's eyes, which were sparkling with amusement. 

            "What are you doing?"    

            Chandler blushed deeply and stuffed his hands in his pockets, shrugging his shoulders nervously.  "I was just…um, trying to see if you were home."

            "Oh."  Monica smiled at him, unable to keep herself from thinking how adorable he looked when he was embarrassed.  "Well, I'm here.  You can come in if you want…"

            Chandler detected the warning note in her voice and started to panic.  

            "What?  What's wrong?" 

"Nothing's wrong, just…Well, come on in.  We might as well get this over with."

            Chandler followed her reluctantly, positive that Richard was waiting on the couch for them.  But…surely Monica wouldn't be so casual about breaking his heart – again…would she?  

            He was so busy scanning the room for Monica's ex-fiancé that his eyes passed over Jack and Judy twice before he realized they were there.  His sigh of relief was audible when he realized that the guests in question were Monica's parents rather than the "old tree", and he could feel Monica looking at him curiously.  

            Jack and Judy Geller were completely occupied with fussing over Emma and did not even look up until Monica cleared her throat.  Chandler just stood there awkwardly as surprise registered on both of their faces.  He had no idea what their reaction would be – he'd always had the feeling that they viewed him as the guy that got Monica pregnant and then took off.  He really had no idea if Monica had told them the circumstances behind his departure and her engagement.

            "Chandler…" Judy stood up slowly with Emma in her arms, looking confused.  Chandler gave her a brief smile before his eyes met Emma's and matching grins spread across their faces.  Emma reached one arm out to him with a mild but demanding shriek, and Chandler willingly obliged, quickly crossing the kitchen and taking Emma from Judy.  

            "Hi sweetie!"  Chandler kissed his daughter and flashed a look of apprehension at Monica as he turned to her parents with a subdued smile.  "Mr. Geller.  Mrs. Geller."

            Jack stood up then and reached out to shake Chandler's free hand.  "Nonsense, son.  You needn't be so formal.  Call us Jack and Judy like you always have."

            "Or Grandma and Grandpa," Judy added with a slight smile, still wondering what Chandler was doing in the apartment.  A glance at Monica told Judy that her daughter wasn't upset by his presence, and that made the whole thing much more intriguing.  

            "Are you here to pick up Emma, Chandler?  Jack and I were hoping to spend a little more time with her."  Chandler could hear a tinge of disappointment in Judy's voice, and hurried to reassure her.

            "No, no.  I just stopped by to visit, that's all.  I can leave…"

            He ignored Jack and Judy's welcoming comments and looked at Monica, who was still standing silently in the kitchen.  She shook her head slightly, and finally joined the rest of them in the living room, speaking in a quiet voice as she passed him.

            "You don't need to leave."  She held his gaze for an extra second, returning the smile he gave her, then sat down on the couch.  Chandler sat down next to her with Emma on his lap, momentarily forgetting about the other two people in the room.

            "You okay?  You're kind of quiet."

            Monica glanced pointedly at her mother – a look only Chandler saw – and gave him a weary smile.   

            "Fine.  Promise."

            She turned to her parents, deciding to answer their questions before her mother embarrassed everyone by asking an inappropriate one. 

            "Mom, Dad…you're probably wondering what Chandler is doing here – especially showing up unannounced – when the two of us have made it pretty obvious that we were not on the best of terms."

            Judy nodded emphatically, her expression urging Monica to hurry on before she started asking questions on her own.

            "Well…about a week ago – and this was after I'd already called off the wedding, by the way – "

            "Thank God…" Jack interrupted in a low voice.  Chandler looked at him quizzically, trying to interpret that comment.  Jack, seeing his questioning look, just shrugged.

            "Just imagine how you would feel if Emma was going to marry that actor that lives with Rachel."

            Chandler glanced absentmindedly at Emma and then turned to Monica in horror as his mind processed that thought.  Monica flushed deeply and shrugged.

            "Dad never really got on board with the whole me and Richard thing."

            "He's not the only one," Chandler responded bitterly, immediately regretting it when he saw the look – half pained and half pleading - that crossed her face.  "Sorry.  I'm sorry."

            Monica shook her head, assuring him that it was fine, then paused and took a deep breath before she continued.  "Well, to make a long story short, when Emma was sick last week and Chandler and I were talking care of her, we started talking about some things – things we'd never discussed – and it turned out that we both assumed…"  Monica paused, trying to find the words to explain the situation to her parents.  Jack decided to utilize the pause and nodded knowingly.

            "You know what happens when you assume.  It makes an -"

            Monica rolled her eyes and cut in quickly.  "Yes, Dad, we know.  And it did.  We were both wrong, and we know that were wrong.  Everything that happened between us was a big, twisted mistake and now we've decided…"

            "Are you getting married?"

            Monica looked desperately to Chandler for help, and he jumped in quickly.  He was glad that he had showed up in time to help Monica with this little session.  His parents were certainly easier to deal with…which reminded him that he should probably call his mother and fill her in on recent events.   

            "No, no, we're not getting married."

            Neither Jack nor Judy seemed to know whether to look relieved or disappointed.  After a brief moment of silence, Judy looked at them expectantly.

            "But you're back together?"

            Chandler and Monica shared an uncomfortable glance and Monica spoke up.

            "Noo…no exactly."

            "Not exactly?  What does that mean?"

            "It means…No, we're not.  We're just…friends."

            Chandler looked at the floor, wondering why that sounded so insignificant.  "Friends" was supposed to be a good thing, but somehow it just sounded trite.  

            "Friends?  What does that mean?"

            Chandler smiled slightly, amused by the irony.  Judy thought they could answer that.  Well, she was wrong.

            Emma squirmed slightly before starting to wail, interrupting the tense moment and letting everyone know that though she was content on her father's lap, she wouldn't stand being bored – or hungry – for long.   

            Chandler glanced at Monica, relieved by the interruption.  "Bottles?"

            "No, I was going breastfeed her today since she's been on the bottle a lot lately."

            Chandler nodded, knowing she was right.  Now that he had been spending more time at the apartment, Emma had been taking more bottles – even when Monica was around – so that Chandler could help out.  He loved the quiet time with her, and Monica welcomed a break from the frequent feedings. 

            Monica stood up with the baby in her arms and walked into Emma's bedroom, not so much embarrassed about breastfeeding in front of Chandler as she was about doing it in front of her father.  Chandler was left alone – and uncomfortable – in the living room with Monica's parents.  Silence reigned, but only momentarily.  

            "So, Chandler, why don't you want to marry our little Harmonica?"

            "Still afraid of commitment, are you, Chandler?"

            Chandler sighed and hoped Monica wouldn't take too long…

            "Hey Joey."

            Joey looked up from his plate of spaghetti and smiled at his friend.

            "Hey.  What's up?"

            Chandler sank into one of the loungers and sighed deeply.  

            "I still knock on her door."

            "What?" Joey asked, lost. 

            "Monica's door.  I used to walk right in.  But now…I knock."

            "So?"  Joey swallowed and wiped his mouth with a napkin.  "I knock too."

            That got Chandler's attention and he sat up a little straighter.  

            "You do?  Why?"

            Joey shrugged.  

            "I don't know…I just do."

            "Does Rachel?"

            Joey thought about that for a moment and shrugged again.

            "Don't think so."

            Chandler let that rest for a minute, wondering whether Joey would follow his thought process to the question he was about to ask.

            "Joey… after I left… why didn't any of you tell Monica that I wanted to marry her?"

            Joey looked at the floor.  It was a question he had been expecting – in some shape or form – since Chandler and Monica had "made up".  And though he had apologized to Monica, he still felt guilty about all the pain he had probably put her through, even if it had been out of loyalty to Chandler. 

            "Well – for starters, none of us knew if you wanted us to.  We talked about it, actually – me and Rach and Phoebe – but we decided that it was best to just leave it alone.  You have to remember that we didn't know Emma was yours back then either and…well, there didn't seem to be much reason to tell her."

            "Okay, fair enough.  But…why didn't you speak to her for months, when she was right across the hall, all alone?"

            "Chandler, please don't be mad-"

            "I'm not mad," Chandler cut in, shaking his head.  "Trust me, Joey, I'm not.  I know it was awkward for all of you, even if I wasn't here, and I appreciate your loyalty.  I just want to know, is all."

            "I felt horrible, Chandler.  Especially when I passed her in the hallway and didn't know what to say.  I mean…it was **Monica**.  But…I thought the baby was Richard's, and every time I looked at her, I just saw the look on your face when you told us she was going to marry him.  I couldn't help it.  I told her I was sorry…"

            "I know you did.  And I appreciate that… Somehow, Monica's managing not to have hard feelings, but I…I just wanted to talk to you about it.  To get it out in the open.  The thought of her sitting across the hall - pregnant with no idea where the father is and without any friends on top of that - it just breaks my heart.    And I feel so guilty, because it's all_ my _fault."

            "It's not your fault, Chandler.  Like you said, you told us not to avoid her."

            "But I left.  I left her, and she was pregnant with my child and thinking that I didn't love her enough.  She probably wondered if I would even want the baby…I was off feeling sorry for myself when she needed me."

            Joey decided not to point out the obvious – that Monica hadn't been alone, she'd had Richard – and looked closely at his friend's face.  He couldn't help but smile as he realized what this was really all about. 

            "It's killing you, isn't it?"

            "Chandler looked up, startled by the question.  

            "What?"

            "Monica…and you…and the whole "friends" thing.  You can barely stand it."

            Chandler looked up at Joey and nodded his head slowly.

            "You're right.  It's killing me.  I keep wondering if I'm doing the same thing again – leaving her alone when she needs me the most. "

            "Then why don't you just forget about being friends and just tell her you love her and want to be with her!"  Joey grinned at the very thought of such a romantic moment between his friends.  "Chandler, you two were made for each other.  Why make yourself miserable by denying that?"

            Chandler just shook his head.  

            "It's not that easy, Joey.  We're just not the same.  I mean, we get along fine – better than I would have expected given our recent history – but it's still… I don't know.  It's hard to explain."

            "You still knock on her door," Joey concluded for him, finally understanding the statement that had started the whole conversation.     

            "Yeah, exactly.  We're not ready for more right now."

            "Well…just give it some time.  You'll get it back, Chandler.  I know you will."

            Chandler nodded and looked down at his hands.  "I hope so.  I don't want to lose her again…"

            "You won't.  You and Monica belong together."

            Chandler nodded silently, desperately wanting to believe that.  But he couldn't help thinking that if they were really meant to be…they wouldn't be in the situation they were in.

            _A few months later…_

            "Mr. Bing, your table is ready."

            Chandler nodded his thanks and turned to follow the hostess, ushering Monica in front of him.  It had become a weekly ritual over the months – Saturday night dinner with Monica and Emma.  Monica usually cooked and they ate at her apartment, since it was difficult (to say the least) to go out with a six-month-old child, who could throw a tantrum at the drop of a hat.  But Emma was usually very good, so they braved the restaurant scene from time to time, still avoiding the fancy places.

            Chandler pulled out Monica's chair for her, then took Emma out of her arms and strapped her into the highchair that had been placed at their table.  Emma pouted for just a moment, her eyes going first to Chandler and then to Monica in a silent plea for them to hold her.  But when Chandler took his seat, she calmed down and busied herself with the little toys that Monica – always prepared – had brought along for her to play with.  Monica smiled at her daughter, relieved that she seemed to be in the mood to behave.

            "She must get her easy-going nature from her father.  Mom says that Ross and I were both nightmares whenever they tried to take us out in public."

            Chandler grinned.  "Ross, a nightmare?  I can't believe your mother actually said that."

            Monica rolled her eyes. "Well, she also made sure to add that she was positive it was because I was always antagonizing him."

            Chandler nodded and took a sip of his water.  "That sounds more like your mother."

            "So were you?  An easy baby?"

            Chandler looked at Emma, who was chewing on a set of rings and shifting her gaze between her parents as they spoke.  

            "I don't know, really.  I guess I was – I've never been told otherwise."

            "I'd think you would be…until you were old enough to start being sarcastic."

            Chandler's eyes met hers over the table, and he smiled back.

            "Well, just wait until Emma starts talking.  Then you'll have two smart-aleck Bings to deal with."

            Monica rolled her eyes.  "Can't wait."

            Chandler winked at her and picked up his menu.  Monica followed his lead and began studying the entrees, her practiced eye already picking them apart.  Chandler watched her eyes move down the page and laughed.

            "You're looking for ideas for the restaurant, aren't you?"

            Monica blushed and gave him a sheepish smile.  

"You know me too well."

            "Hey, don't stop on my account.  I'm the one you practice on, so I'm certainly not going to try to discourage you from trying fantastic new dishes."

            "I don't think Joey will complain if I make him the only 'tester', so if you want to keep eating, I'd just stop this conversation now."

            "Oh, but I know you wouldn't-"

            "Monica?  Monica Geller?"

            An all-too-masculine voice interrupted Chandler's retort.  He turned around in his chair and spotted a blonde guy standing behind him just as Monica stood up to greet him.

            "Oh my God, Will?  What are you doing here?  I haven't seen you in years!"

            To Chandler's dismay, Monica hugged "Will" and allowed him to kiss her on the cheek.

            "Wow, Will, you look great.  You've really lost some weight!"

            "You look great too.  This isn't your daughter, is it?"

            Monica beamed and led Will around the table to introduce him to Emma.  (AN: This, of course, is Brad Pitt's character from TOW The Rumor.  Let's just pretend she ran into him earlier than that Thanksgiving, 'kay?  Okay.)  

            "Yes, this is my daughter Emma."

            "Aw…she's adorable.  How old?"  
            "Almost seven months."

            At this point, Chandler felt it necessary to make his presence known.  He stood up, clearing his throat as he did, and held out his hand.

            "I'm Chandler Bing."

            "Nice to meet you, Chandler.  I'm Will Culver."  

            "I'm the cute kid's father," Chandler said with a grin, hoping that would be enough to keep this guy at bay, without offering any complicated explanations.  He saw Will glance quickly at Monica's left hand, and he had to stop himself from stepping forward and putting his arm around Monica's waist to stake his claim.  Instead, he sat back down slowly and smiled reassuringly at Monica when she looked his way.  

            "So, how's Ross doing?" Will asked

            Monica launched into a short version of Ross's life story and Chandler listened with one ear, sulking inside the whole time.  He jumped to attention when he heard the conversation drawing to a close, and watched Will walk away after he and Monica exchanged phone numbers.

            Monica sat back down just as the waiter came to take their orders.  They were both silent for a few minutes after the waiter walked away, until Monica pushed her water glass to the side and rested her hands on the table.

            "Will's a friend from high school.  He graduated with Ross."

            "Yeah?"  Chandler tried his best to look interested, but he just didn't want to hear any more about "Will". 

            "Yeah.  He actually used to be even bigger than I was, if you can believe it.  He looks great now though, doesn't he?"

            Chandler raised his eyes to hers, wondering if she was trying to get a reaction out of him.

            "Just great."

            "Maybe I should introduce him to Rachel."

            Chandler blinked, startled by the change of direction.         

            "Ummm…you think he's her type?"

            "I don't know.  But it's a shame for him to be single."

            Chandler watched her for a moment, as she took a sip of water then reached over to push Emma – who was leaning over in her seat looking at the floor – into a sitting up position.

            "You're single, too."

            Monica immediately shifted her gaze from Emma to Chandler, obviously surprised by the statement.  He held her gaze, wondering how she was going to respond.  They had never pushed this issue.  Both had simply assumed by an unspoken agreement that they weren't going to date anyone else, but it had never been stated.  It hadn't mattered before.  But now, Chandler felt like he needed to see what her reaction was to the thought of it.

            "I…I guess I am."  Chandler was shocked to see Monica's eyes begin to fill with tears.  

            "What?  Why are you crying?"

            "I…I don't…"  Monica paused and took a deep breath as she wiped her eyes. "I guess I don't think of myself as single.  I…I'm just…waiting until I can be with you."

            Chandler literally felt the whole world stop as Monica lifted her eyes and looked at him.  The sadness lingering in her eyes made his heart ache.  He just stared at her, feeling his heart pounding in his chest and thinking distractedly that he had been stupid to feel jealous for even a second.  Joey was right.  They belonged together.  

            "Oh, Monica…"  

Monica averted her gaze and looked down at the table, dropping her hands into lap so she could play with the hem of the tablecloth, trying to decide if she should ask him if his statement had been a way of trying to tell her that he'd decided they shouldn't be together.  Before she could gather the nerve, Chandler had moved his chair over so he was sitting next to her, and pulled her into his arms, pressing a kiss against her hair.

"If you want to think of it that way…then I'm not single either.  I'm just waiting until I can be with you."

"Hey guys." 

Chandler and Joey looked up as Rachel walked into the apartment with an armload of shopping bags.

"Hey Rach.  Buy the store, did we?"

Rachel rolled her eyes.

"For your information, Chandler Bing, about half of this stuff is for _your_ daughter."

"Oh…well, thanks Rachel!  I love it when you go shopping."  He turned to Joey and lowered his voice.  "Hey, it saves me money."

"Not when I take Monica and she has your credit card," Rachel responded with an evil grin.  

Chandler looked at her nervously.  "But you didn't take Monica today, did you?"

Rachel just laughed as she took off her sweater.

"No.  Hey, speaking of Monica, do you guys want to go out to eat or something tonight?  It's been a long time since we've all gone out together."

Chandler shrugged. "I'm free.  And I'm sure Monica can get her parents to watch Emma."

"Joey?"  
            "Sure.  I don't have a date, so I won't pass up a chance to go out with three gorgeous women."

"Great, I'll call Ross.  Why don't you guys go over and ask Monica?"

Chandler and Joey both groaned as they lifted themselves out of their chairs.  Chandler had been spending more and more time at Joey's now that he could look forward to running into Monica rather than being afraid of it, and the two friends had fallen into their old routine of doing absolutely nothing.  Removing themselves from the chairs was sometimes almost a surgical procedure.

Chandler rolled his head around to loosen up his neck, and walked across the hall with Joey right behind him.  He entered the apartment and looked around, seeing no sign of Monica.

"Mon?  You here?"

"In Emma's room!"

Chandler ignored the odd look Joey was giving him and went into his daughter's room.  Monica was cleaning while Emma played happily on the floor. 

"Hey Chandler, Joey.  What's up?"

Chandler got down on his knees and tickled Emma, grinning when she laughed and grabbed for him.  He lifted her into his arms as he stood up and turned to Monica.

"Rachel wants to know if you want to go out to dinner – all six of us.  Think your parents can watch Emma?"

Monica looked at her daughter and nodded.  

"I'm sure they would love to.  It's been a long time since we all went out together.  Sounds like fun."

"Okay."  Chandler smiled at her, happy that she was coming along.  "Seven okay?"

"Perfect."

"Okay.  I'll come over and get you."

Monica nodded with a smile, and watched Chandler blow Emma another kiss before he left with Joey in tow.

Out in the hallway, Chandler finally turned to Joey, slightly irritated.

"What are you smiling about?"

"Dude…you didn't knock."

Chandler stared at him, then turned around and looked at the door he had just closed behind him.  

Joey was right.  He hadn't knocked.

_To Be Continued…_

**I'm Not Gonna Do Anything Without You**

**Mark Wills & Jamie O'Neal**

I'm gonna make you a promise  
Starting tonight  
If I never do anything else  
For the rest of my life  
  
I'm gonna hold somebody  
I'm gonna look in someone's eyes  
'Til I'm so overcome that I cry  
I'm gonna love somebody  
More than anybody  
Baby, there's so much I wanna do  
But I'm not gonna do anything without you  
  
There's no way I'll ever give up  
There's no way I'll lose  
If I have to sacrifice everything  
Then that's what I'll do  
  
I'm gonna hold somebody  
I'm gonna look in someone's eyes  
'Til I'm so overcome that I cry  
I'm gonna love somebody  
More than anybody  
Baby, there's so much I wanna do  
But I'm not gonna do anything without you  
  
This is my dream I live and breathe  
All I think about  
This is the fire that burns in me  
That will never go out  
  
I'm gonna hold somebody  
I'm gonna look in someone's eyes  
'Til I'm so oversome that I cry  
I'm gonna love somebody  
More than anybody  
Baby, there's so much I wanna do  
But I'm not gonna do anything without you  
  
Baby, there's so much I wanna do  
But I'm not gonna do anything without you  
I'm not gonna do anything without you  
Anything without you__


	14. Really and Truly

"TOW The Past Isn't At Rest" – Chapter Fourteen

"Really and Truly"

_AN:  **THE REVISION:  **I revised the timeline slightly, because I decided it wasn't quite realistic.  I was trying to stretch it out so Emma would be a little older at the end, but I don't think that's going to work.  I'll just have to revamp the ending I had planned.  So, for those of you that have already read and are wondering what the revision is, it comes about halfway through – changed from "Four months" later" to "Six weeks later".  That seems more realistic.  Oh, and the action is not necessarily continuous.  So, when Monica and Chandler ran into Will, a couple of weeks passed before Chandler "didn't knock", etc.  So if you go to the trouble to try to figure out the timing (which is probably useless…) just put the extra weeks into spaces in the story, okay?  It doesn't really matter, except for those that might not believe Emma's talking.  But if Emma is advanced for her age, she's just advanced for her age!  Can't help it.  She's not talking a **lot**! I should have made her older at the beginning and then I wouldn't have these problems!!!  Oh, and thanks for Rose for confirming my thoughts on this and making me decide to change it.  _

Chandler ran up the stairs, hoping he wasn't too late.  He had hurried home to change before dinner, knowing that that his khakis and casual pullover sweater wouldn't be good enough for any place Rachel would pick – especially not for such a "big" event as all six friends going out together had become.  At times, he really hated living outside the city.  It was so much easier when he lived within forty seconds of all of his friends – not to mention his daughter. 

He didn't bother poking his head into Joey and Rachel's apartment, knowing they wouldn't leave without them.  Instead, he glanced at his watch as he walked into Monica's apartment, relieved that the minute hand was just slightly past the 12.  Close enough.

"Monica?"

"Coming!"

Before he could even take a seat on the couch to wait patiently, Monica walked out of her bedroom, still fastening an earring on her left ear.  

"Sorry I'm running late – Mom and Dad just picked up Emma a few minutes ago."

"You're not late.  Or if you are, we're late together.  So do you know where Rachel's taking us?"

            "No, the other four are still battling it out.  Joey wants Italian as usual, Rach wants to try that new Japanese place down the street, Ross wants steak, and Phoebe's asking for a strictly vegetarian place just to get him riled up."

            Chandler rolled his eyes.  "This should be a fun night.  Got your keys?"

            Monica nodded, checking her purse to be sure and thinking sentimentally that Chandler used to carry the keys when they went out.  Brushing the thought aside, she looked up at him and smiled as she walked past him and out the door.  She waited for him to pull the door closed behind him and join her before going into Joey and Rachel's apartment.

            "Hey guys!  We're here."  

            "Ah, the star-crossed lovers have arrived," Ross remarked dryly, only to be jabbed in the ribs by Rachel's elbow.  He yelped and glared at her.  

            "What?  They are!  Geez, they're a modern-day Romeo and Juliet."

            "Yeah," Joey commented, unconcerned.  "But I don't think Chandler and Monica are going to kill themselves."

            They all looked at Joey, surprised by his knowledge of Shakespeare.  He glanced up - noticing the looks - and frowned.  

            "That's the movie with Leonardo DiCaprio where they talk really weird and blow up the gas station, right?" 

            Chandler just shook his head, thinking that it was more ironic that Joey had actually _watched _a film version of _Romeo and Juliet_ than it was that a blown-up gas station was what he remembered.  

            "Yes, in addition to being one of the greatest love stories ever told," Ross said sarcastically.

            "But they shot themselves!"

            Ross rolled his eyes, prepared to start arguing.  Before he could open his mouth, Chandler interrupted.

            "So where are we going to eat?"

            The four different answers came so fast and so loud that Chandler didn't understand any of them.  As his friends faced off and started to argue again, he glanced at Monica and tilted his head toward the hallway.  She nodded in agreement, looking relieved. 

            "Hey, guys, when you decide, we'll be outside waiting."

            That got no response and Chandler had a feeling that when they finally did decide, they would be starting a frantic search for Chandler and Monica.  Instead of trying again, he just led Monica out into the hallway and closed the door behind him.  Monica walked over to lean against the door to her apartment and gave him a brief, almost pained, smile.  Chandler sat down on the step between the apartments and the stairs, and watched her for a moment before speaking.

            "You okay?"

            Monica shrugged slightly before nodding, and went to sit beside him, arranging her dress over her knees and stretching out her legs.

            "Yeah, I'm okay.  But doesn't it bother you?"

            "That we're the number one topic of gossip?"

            "Yeah.  I wish one of them would do something stupid so we could all talk about something new."

            "You don't think Joey wearing silly putty to get a part in a movie was stupid?"

            Monica managed a smile.  "But they're not comparing him to Hamlet, are they?"

            "Well…at least they're doing it to our face now instead of behind our backs.  I can only imagine how many hours they spent talking about us at first."

            "Ugh…I would rather have them do it behind our backs.  Then at least I don't have to stand there thinking about how I ruined everything while they're treating us like we're there for their entertainment."

            Chandler leaned over and pressed a kiss against the side of her head.

            "You didn't ruin everything.  We're here – together – aren't we?"

            Monica looked at him, then leaned her head against his shoulder with a sigh.

            "Yeah, we are.  You know, I'm actually starting to remember what we were like before London.  I'd almost forgotten…how good you were at comforting me – without sex, I mean – and how you could always tell with a look whether I needed coffee or alcohol… You were my best friend.  You **_are_ **my best friend."

            Chandler slowly lifted his arms to encircle her, his mind going back to the now-familiar refrain that he had been trying to push aside all day.  

            _Dude, you didn't knock._

            Was it just a coincidence that Monica was saying this now, when he had just discovered the same thing that afternoon?  Was it some kind of sign?

            "You're my best friend, too, Monica.  Always."  He sighed and pulled away so he could look into her face.  "You know what I realized this afternoon?"

"That we're a 21st century Shakespearean tragedy?"  Monica responded sarcastically, her words still bitter.  No doubt she would have words for Ross later.

"Mon, you've really been spending too much time with me.  You weren't this sarcastic even when we were living together."  Monica looked like she was going to protest, but Chandler cut her off.  "But no, I'm serious."  He paused as Monica gave him her full attention, his tone telling her that this was important.  "Since Emma was born, I haven't come over without knocking on your door first.  At first…well, needless to say, when you were still engaged we weren't exactly friends.  And then…Well, the thing is, as long as I was knocking, I felt like we were still getting over the past, trying to find common ground before we could even begin thinking about the future.  But… today, I didn't knock.  And it didn't bother you that I didn't knock.    And…I realized that we're getting it back, Monica - everything we lost.  Slowly, yes.  But we're getting it back."

Monica wiped away a stray tear and leaned into his arms, sighing when he hugged her back tightly.  

"It's only going to get better from here, Mon.  I promise."

Monica nodded her head against his chest, wishing she didn't have to move for the rest of her life.  But just as she was thinking that, Rachel came out into the hallway, interrupting the moment. 

"Mexican okay with you guys?"

Chandler released Monica and stood up, holding out a hand to pull Monica up beside him.

"Who wanted Mexican?"

"Nobody."  Rachel didn't elaborate further.

"Okay…well, yeah that's fine."

"Great," Rachel sighed with relief, then yelled over her shoulder for the rest of them to "Come on!" as she walked toward the stairs.  Joey, Ross, and Phoebe walked out into the hallway, already engrossed in another conversation.

"But, Ross, why did they bury her if she wasn't dead?  And how did Romeo get into a tomb, anyway?  Is he like, Superman?"

"Yeah, and tell me again why the Post Office guy didn't just put the letter in his mailbox?"  

(AN:  If you've never seen the Bazz Luhrmann version – "Romeo + Juliet" – that came out in…1996? you won't understand all of that…sorry.  But it's not like it's essential to the plot.  I was just rereading the paper I wrote on this movie for my "Shakespeare On Film" class last spring, and the movie was just fresh in my mind.)

            _Six weeks later…(Emma is now about 9 ½ - 10 months old, by my rough calculations, and it's like October, just in case anybody's wondering.  Even I'm losing track…)_

            Chandler strode into Monica's apartment, still wearing his work suit. 

            "Hey Mon, hey Emma!"

            "Da!" Emma called, her face breaking into a happy grin as she toddled toward her father.  

            "Hey, beautiful!" Chandler greeted her as he scooped her up and covered her with kisses.  Emma just giggled happily in response.  Chandler walked over and sat down next to Monica on the couch, leaning over to kiss her on the forehead.  "Hey, beautiful."

            "Hey yourself.  How was your day?"

            "Eh," Chandler answered with a shrug.  "Yours?"

            "It was okay.  Emma said "hi" to Ross."

            "Really?"  Chandler lifted up his daughter and gave her a big smile.  "Did you say "hi", Em?  Tell Daddy hi!"

            Emma frowned at him, then squirmed to get down.  Chandler stood her up on the rug beside the couch, and Emma plopped down on the floor, immediately reaching for his shoelaces.  

            "Yeah, she'll say hi to Ross but not to her own father?"

            "Hey, her first word was "Da".  Isn't that good enough for you?"

            Chandler couldn't help smiling as he remembered the first time Emma had said it.  He had almost cried.  She was starting to add a few words to her vocabulary, which consisted of "Da", "Mama", "No", "Ba", which Chandler and Monica thought stood for her teddy bear, and now "Hi".  

            "Yeah, but you got her first multiple syllable word.  I think she made a pretty good compromise between us."

            "Yeah, I guess she did."

            They were both silent for a moment, watching Emma as she happily untied Emma's shoes.  Chandler finally took a deep breath and turned to Monica.

            "Mon, can I ask you something?"

            "Of course you can.  Everything okay?"

            "Yes.  Everything's fine…I think.  I…well, see what I wanted to know is…um, do you think we could find someone to watch Emma tomorrow night?"

            That wasn't what he wanted to say.  But maybe it would help lead up to the question he _really_ wanted to ask.

            "Yeah…probably."  Monica was giving him a strange look.  Somehow, this was strangely reminiscent of the night he'd tried to propose.   "Why?"

            "Umm…Monica, I wanted to ask you…Well, I was just wondering…Uh…Would you like to go out to dinner…or something…tomorrow night?"

            Monica was still looking at him with raised eyebrows, obviously trying to read him.

            "Yeah…dinner sounds nice."  She paused and looked at him searchingly.  "Are you sure you're okay?"

            She answered too casually.  She didn't realize what he was asking.

            "Yes, Monica.  I'm fine.  I…I'm just nervous."

            "Why are you nervous?  It's just me."

            "I know it's you, and that's an awfully good reason to be nervous, Mon.  I never really…asked you out before.  We never had a "first date" the first time around."

            Her eyes widened as she took in the words, then just as quickly, she started to cry.

            "What?  Why are you crying?  Is it too soon?  I'm sorry, Monica.  I just thought…"

            "No."  Monica stopped him with a finger on his lips.  "No, it's fine.  I would…I would love to go out to dinner with you."

            "Really?"

            "Really.  Did you think I'd say no?"  
            Chandler shrugged, not even trying to hide his relief.  

            "I hoped you wouldn't."

            "Oh, sweetie."  Monica reached over and brushed her hand across his cheek, ignoring the tears that still rested on hers.  "How could I say no?"

            "No!" Emma yelled cheerfully, pulling herself up by Chandler's pants leg and attempting to climb into his lap.  Chandler lifted her obediently, grinning as Emma put her hands on both sides of his face and squeezed, scrunching his features together.  Chandler laughed and tried to kiss her with his puckered mouth, but Emma leaned away from him, screaming with laughter.  She finally let go of his face and crawled over his lap to Monica, looking back at Chandler as if she expected him to come after her.

            "So who are we going to inflict her on tomorrow night?"

            "It's Ross's turn I think.  I'm sure he'll be happy to baby-sit."  Monica paused and thought about it.  "Do you think we should ask him to keep her all night?"

            "Miss Geller, I'm shocked!" Chandler teased her, making Monica blush at the implication.

            "Chandler…I meant so that we don't wake her up to bring her home.  You know how cranky she gets when she wakes up before she's ready.  She'll be miserable for two days."

            "Why can't Ross just stay here with her?"

            Monica flushed and looked down at Emma. 

            "Well…I thought - if you were to want to kiss me goodnight - I wouldn't want anyone – especially my brother – around to ruin it."

            Chandler studied her face, smiling at her embarrassment. 

            "Well…do whatever you want to do.  Because I can guarantee you that I'm going to want to kiss you goodnight."

            Chandler followed Monica up the stairs, both laughing animatedly as Monica told a story about Emma's latest antics.  They stopped outside of Monica's door, and Chandler fished her keys out of his pocket so she could unlock the door.  She did so, then turned to him before she opened it.

            "Are you coming in?"

            "Is that an invitation?"

            Monica just raised her eyebrows and gave him a slight shrug.

            Chandler smiled at her and nodded.  "Okay."

            He followed her inside, noting how quiet and empty it seemed without Emma there.  Noticing the light blinking on the answering machine, Monica hit the play button as she kicked off her shoes and carried them into her bedroom.

            "Hey, guys, it's Ross.  Just letting you know that Emma's fine.  It's about 8:00, and she's sound asleep…no problems at all.  She loves her Uncle Ross!  Anyway, enjoy your date.  See you tomorrow."  BEEP!  "Chandler, don't forget - she's still my sister."  BEEP!  

            Monica rolled her eyes as she came back out of her bedroom.  

            "I think I have THE most overprotective brother on the planet."

            "I agree."  Chandler loosened his tie and draped his jacket over a chair in the kitchen.  "You can change if you want.  I don't expect you to stay dressed up."

            Monica glanced at him skeptically, but he just nodded toward the bedroom.  

            "Go ahead.  I really don't mind."

            "Thanks.  I think I will."

            Chandler sat down on the couch, waiting for her to come back.  In a couple of minutes, she was back, wearing a pair of flannel pants and a fleecy sweatshirt.  She still looked great. 

            "You want coffee or anything?"

            "No, I'm fine.  Just come sit down."  He draped one arm around the back of the couch, inviting her to sit next to him and cuddle up.  Monica sighed happily as his arms went around her, hoping he would keep them there.

            "I had fun tonight," Chandler whispered against her ear, sending shivers down her spine.  

            "Me too.  You're a great date."

            "Me?  Didn't you see all the guys shooting me dirty looks because I was with the most beautiful woman in the room?"

            "You were hallucinating."

            "No…you were definitely the most beautiful woman in New York tonight.  Any night."

            "You really think so?"

            "Of course I do.  I'm the luckiest man in the world."  He paused and looked across the room at the stereo.  "You know what?  I've got a great idea."

He stood up and went over to rifle through the cd's Monica had, knowing most of his were probably still there.  He found the one he wanted and popped it into the stereo.  

            "What are you doing?"

            Chandler didn't answer her question.  He simply held his hand out to her and smiled gently.  "Come here."

            Monica walked over to him, looking apprehensive.  Chandler hit the play button, then took her hand and pulled her into his arms as the song started to play.

            "I promise Janice won't ruin it this time," he whispered to her before he started to sing along with the lyrics.

_Someday, when I'm awfully low_

_When the world is cold_

_I will feel a glow just thinking of you_

_And the way you look tonight._

_            Oh, but you're lovely_

            _With your smile so warm_

_            And your cheek so soft_

_            There is nothing for me but to love you._

_            Just the way you look tonight._

            "I love this song," Monica whispered, lifting her head from his shoulder so she could look at him.  "And your voice is just a little bit better than Janice's."

            "I'm not sure that's a compliment."

            "You can take it however you want."

            Chandler rested his forehead against hers, and sighed deeply.

            "You know…if this wasn't our first date…I'd tell you that I love you."

            Monica smiled softly.  "And if it wasn't our first date and you told me that…I'd tell you that I love you too."

            "Good to know."

            Monica just nodded, too overcome to speak, and put her head back on his shoulder, hugging him tightly.  When the song ended, they both pulled away without wanting to, eyes locked on each other.  After a long moment, Chandler took a deep breath and a step backwards.

            "Well…it's getting late.  I think it's probably best if I go."

            Monica just nodded and followed him to the door.  He put his jacket back on and checked to make sure his care keys were in the pocket.  Then he turned to Monica, pulling her close.

            "Thank you for tonight.  I'll stop by tomorrow after work, okay?"

            "Okay."

            Chandler hesitated a split second, then lowered his head to kiss her.  Monica responded immediately, winding her arms around his neck and holding him as close as he was holding her.  It was the first time they had kissed since the day they decided to be friends, but this kiss more than made up for the months of denying themselves.  They finally ended it with several soft pecks, and Chandler smiled as he placed a final gentle kiss on her forehead.

            "I want to kiss you good night every night for the rest of my life."

            Without giving Monica a chance to respond, he gave her one last smile and closed the door behind him.  He couldn't keep from whistling as he walked down the stairs and out to his car.

To Be Continued…

**"Really and Truly"**

**Paul Brandt**

If a fallin' heart could make a sound  
Then you would hear mine for miles around  
If what I feel became a light  
Then there would be no darkness in this night  
They say you know when it's real  
Baby I can tell you it's true  
  
'Cause really and truly  
I think we should be  
Together like this for as long as we both are  
Livin', breathin'  
I'll be everything you need and more  
I'll be really and truly yours  
  
If love's a gift to give away  
For you, I swear, it'd be Christmas every day  
If love could keep you free from harm  
The safest place for you is in my arms  
And if I reveal too much too soon  
Well, I'm just bein' honest with you  
  
Really and truly  
I think we should be  
Together like this for as long as we both are  
Livin', breathin'  
I'll be everything you need and more  
I'll be really and truly yours, oh  
  
Have me, hold me  
In that sweet moment  
It'll be for sure  
I'll be really and truly yours


	15. This Love Will Last

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Chapter 15

"This Love Will Last"

_AN:  Okay, sorry this took so long – life has been crazy lately. It might be a little rushed, but I just really wanted this part written and DONE!  Hope you enjoy…_

_The next day…_

Rachel walked into the apartment and closed the door behind her, her expression telling Monica that she was ready for a tell-all.  

"Sooo?"

Monica dried her hands on a towel and walked over to lean on the back of the couch, facing Rachel, who still stood in front of the door.

"So?" she repeated innocently, trying to sound casual, but knowing that her voice probably told her best friend all she needed to know.

"Come on, Mon.  You have to tell me about last night!  You and Chandler…remember?"

Monica tried unsuccessfully to hide the smile that crept across her face at the mention of his name.  Deciding that any pretension of not wanting to talk about it would be lost on Rachel Green, Monica sighed and sat down on the couch.

"Hmmm…me and Chandler.  That does sound vaguely familiar."

"Did you have fun?" Rachel asked more quietly, ignoring the sarcasm in Monica's statement as she walked over to sit in the armchair.  She couldn't help but smile at the look on Monica's face.  She hadn't seen her friend so happy in a long time.

Monica collapsed against the back of the couch and sighed.

"Rach, I'm in love.  It's just that simple."

"That good, huh?"

"That good.  I think…I think I fell in love with him all over again while we were trying to get things back on track.  Watching him with Emma every day…remembering all of the things about him that made me love him from the beginning and realizing that there are even more reasons to adore him now..." Monica trailed off, lost in her thoughts for a moment.  She snapped back to attention when her gaze fell on Rachel, whose smile made it evident that she shared in her best friend's joy.  Monica smiled too, and gave an exaggerated sigh before continuing.  "And then, last night…It was just right.  Like things were like they were always meant to be.  It was amazing."

"This _is _how things were always meant to be.  You guys just took a detour."

Monica sighed again, her smile disappearing as she looked down at the bare ring finger of her left hand.

"I hope that's all it was."

Not wanting to allow Monica to entertain any thoughts that it might not work out with Chandler again this time around, Rachel decided to bring the conversation back to its original purpose – a fact-finding mission.

"So…Emma spent the night with Ross, right…?"

Chandler spotted the blonde head at a table across the room, and made his way over to her.  She was engrossed in the menu and didn't see him coming until he sat down in the empty chair across the table and pulled the paper down so he could see her face.

"Hey Phoebs."

Phoebe grinned and put the menu down.  "Hey Chandler.  Sorry, I was trying to decide if I want carrot salad or tofu with bean sprouts."

Chandler frowned, neither choice appealing to him.

            "This place does have…regular food…doesn't it?"

            "Oh, sure.  They have soyburgers."

            Chandler made a face and picked up his menu, relieved to see a long list of burgers and sandwiches on the first page.  He quickly decided on a turkey club, just as the waiter came up to take their orders.  When their waiter left the table, Chandler sat back in his chair and looked at Phoebe expectantly.  He had a _vague_ idea of why she had called him at work that morning and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch.

            "So, Phoebs, what's new with you?"

            "Oh, guess what!  Frank Jr. took the triplets to the circus on Monday and little girl Chandler decided she wants to be a lion tamer.  So, Frank has been setting hula hoops on fire for her – you remember how he likes to set things on fire – and having Frank Three and Leslie jumping through them so she can practice.  She's really good – for a three-year-old anyway."

            "Really?" Chandler commented, trying to look interested and not horrified.  It took all the strength he had **_not_** to make a joke, especially since Phoebe delivered the whole story completely deadpan.  He cleared his throat and took a sip of the water the waiter had just put in front of him on the table.

            "Yeah.  So, that's been exciting.  You know, fire and all."  Phoebe shivered with delight as she recalled the scene.  "So, what about you?  How was your date?"

            There it was.  More casual than he expected, and she even managed to pull off a slightly disinterested tone.  He shook his head slightly and smiled, a blush tinting his features as he looked at the table, embarrassed.

            "It was great."

            Phoebe narrowed her eyes.  Surely Chandler knew better than to think he was going to get off this easy.

            "Did you have sex?"

            Chandler nearly choked on the piece of ice he was chewing on, and looked at Phoebe incredulously.  Phoebe was immediately on the defensive, staring right back at Chandler like she had every right to know.

            "What?  We made bets!  And you might as well tell me the truth, because Rachel's talking to Monica as we speak, and you know Rachel won't back down until she has all of the gossip."

            "You guys bet on whether or not Monica and I were going to sleep together?"

            "Well…"  Phoebe was looking anywhere but at Chandler.  "The bet was actually on how many times…"

            Chandler choked again and started coughing furiously.  It was several minutes before he could look at Phoebe with watery eyes.  

            "We did not have sex," he said reproachfully.  "But if we had, that's between me and Monica.  It has absolutely nothing to do with anybody else."

            Phoebe looked down at the table, sufficiently remorseful.  They were both silent, until Phoebe finally lifted her eyes to see Chandler squirming in his seat across from her.  A grin spread across her face as she realized that it wasn't embarrassment making him squirm.

"You're wondering what the bets were, aren't you?" 

Chandler flushed and glared at her, then shifted his gaze back to the table as he mumbled his answer plaintively. 

"Yes…" 

"Joey, do we have to keep talking about this?  Chandler and I did not have sex last night.    Why would I lie about it?"

            Joey shrugged, narrowing his eyes at Monica.  "Because you and Chandler like to keep secrets from us.  And you like to pull the rest of us into your little games."

            Monica rolled her eyes and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge.  

            "First of all, you all _know_ that we went out last night.  So that's not a secret.  _And,_ if I told you something that we were keeping a secret from everyone else, I'd make you keep it a secret too, and you hated it the last time we made you do that."

            Joey's eyes widened as he remembered the first few months of Chandler and Monica's initial relationship, and he jumped out of his chair, pointing a finger at Monica.

            "Oh, no you don't.  I don't want to hear anything.  As far as I'm concerned you two can be celery for the rest of your lives."

            Monica squinted at Joey, thinking.  

            "You mean celibate?"

            "Yeah, that.  Does that mean not having sex?"

            "Yeah, that's the one.  But I don't think Chandler and I will—"

            "Uh uh!  Not listening.  Don't want to know!"

            Joey covered his ears and closed his eyes, singing loudly so he couldn't hear anything.  Monica laughed and tossed one of Emma's stuffed animals at him, hitting him squarely in the nose.  Joey opened his eyes, startled, and frowned at her.  

            "What was that for?"

            "Just 'cause I love you, Joey.  Come on, we'll make a deal.  I promise not to talk about sex anymore if you promise, too."

            Joey sighed, relieved.  "I promise."

            Monica had to hide a chuckle.  Reverse psychology at its best.

            "So, tell me what's new with Joey Tribbiani.  How's Days going?"

            "Oh, you'll never guess what's going to happen to me next week!"

            Monica remained silent, waiting for Joey to continue.  He watched her for a minute, waiting, then leaned forward in frustration.  

            "I said you'll never guess, not don't even _try_ to guess!"

Chandler was staring at the clock on his desk, counting the seconds until he could log off of his computer and leave the office.  The sooner he left, the sooner he would be at Monica's, assuring her that he'd been thinking of nothing but her all day long and hearing all about her day.  He wondered if their friends had been questioning her like Phoebe had questioned him, and he smiled as he imagined what she might have told them about the date.  He'd have to stop by Rachel and Joey's and coerce Rachel into spilling Monica's opinion of the night.

4:40.  In three more minutes, he could turn off his computer and walk out of his office, and no one would give him a dirty look for leaving "early".  A few months ago, he wouldn't have gotten a second glance if he left at 3:15, but he'd become somewhat of a workaholic after Emma was born – his motivation being a combination of wanting to provide well for his daughter and having something – anything – to keep his mind off the fact that Monica was planning a wedding to Richard.  Even after she called off the wedding, he had kept working the regular 8 to 5 hours, just to help ensure that Emma would be fairly stable financially.  Not that he didn't still goof off, but…he did it more discreetly, and it was far less likely to find him at Central Perk at 10:00 on a Wednesday morning.   

He was just reaching for the power button on his monitor when his secretary – loyal, faithful Helen – buzzed him to let him know he had a visitor.  Chandler had to bite his tongue to keep from asking her _why_ she had told whoever it was that he was still there.  Instead, he sighed deeply and told Helen to send the visitor in.  He glanced at one of the pictures of Emma on his desk, hoping it wouldn't be long until he was seeing his daughter and her mother.  He was thinking distractedly that he should put the picture of him and Monica that used to grace his desk back up when the door opened and he snapped to attention, just in case it was Doug or someone else "important".

Ross.  Thank God.

"Hey, man.  I was just getting ready to leave.  Come on, we'll take my car."

Ross grinned.  "Going my way, are you?"  

Chandler rolled his eyes.  _Here we go again…_

"Yes, I'm heading to the apartment building right across from you.  Number 20, I think it is.  Ever been there?"

"You know, Chandler, sometimes you're too sarcastic for your own good."

"Hmmm…you think?  Come on, let's go."

Ross followed him out of the office and over to the elevator.  Chandler jabbed several times at the down button and shifted his weight impatiently as he waited for the doors to open.  Feeling Ross's eyes on him, he smiled sheepishly and stammered some kind of excuse.

"I…can't wait to see her.  I've been thinking about her all day."  

Ross accepted the statement with a smile, and stepped in to the elevator when the doors opened.

"So I take it last night went well?"  
            Chandler grinned and leaned against the wall.  

"Well isn't the word.  It was…perfect."

Ross nodded and smiled, but remained silent until they stepped out of the elevator and out onto the sidewalk.  As they walked toward the nearby parking garage to retrieve the BMW Chandler had bought when he moved out of the city, Chandler spoke quietly.

"Ross…if you came here to give me a "big brother" speech, you don't need to.  I'm not going to ruin it again if I can help it…and I'll do anything in my power to keep her from getting hurt."

"I know.  And you're right, that was my original intent for this little visit, but…I know how much you love her.  And I know how much you love Emma.  I don't think I need to threaten you to make sure you take care of them."

Chandler nodded, and there was a pause as they both mulled that over.  Finally, Chandler turned to Ross and smiled.

"So, how was Emma last night?  Did she give you any trouble?"

Ross rolled his eyes up toward heaven.

"I think that child has a bit too much of her father in her.  But other than that obvious flaw, she was an angel as usual."

"Yeah, she's only an angel because her aunts and uncles spoil her rotten.  She learned a long time ago that if she's cute and lovable she can have anything she wants."

"Oh, and Daddy has nothing to do with it, huh?"

Chandler raised his hands in surrender.  "Point taken."  
            "Lucky for both of you Monica's her mother and knows how to _keep_ her cute and lovable."

"Yeah," Chandler replied distantly, his thoughts already across town.  "Lucky for us."

Chandler opened the door to Monica's apartment quietly, feeling suddenly nervous.  He was struck with fear that it would be awkward or uncomfortable…or that Monica wouldn't be as happy to see him as he was to see her.  But as soon as he stepped through the door, his doubts disappeared.  

Monica was sitting on the floor with Emma, helping her arrange some colored blocks in the design of Emma's choosing, both still oblivious to his presence.  He watched them for a moment, thinking that he could stand there watching them for days on end and never get tired of it.  

Swallowing away the lump in his throat, he closed the door, the sound making both of them look up.  He watched as smiles spread across their faces, knowing that he was smiling back at them.  This…_this_ _was what he wanted_.  He wanted to come home to them every night – to see their faces light up just because he was there, and to feel that warmth and security that he felt at just that moment as he looked down at Monica and their daughter.  His family.

He jerked himself back to reality just in time to catch Emma as she lunged for him.  She put her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, resting her head on his shoulder in perfect contentment.  Chandler held her tightly, feeling the same contentment as he caught Monica's eye across the room, sharing a smile with her before he turned his attention to Emma.

"Hi baby!  How was your day?"  
            Emma pulled away enough to point to Monica, who had stood up and was watching them, a slight smile on her face.  

"Mama?"

Chandler smiled at his daughter and kissed her cheek.

"Yeah, just rub it in that you got to stay with Mama all day while I had to go to work."  Chandler put Emma down and lifted his eyes to Monica's face, his expression serious.  "We should all be so lucky."

He caught the almost imperceptible blush that touched her cheeks at the statement, and took an almost involuntary step toward her before he changed his mind and lifted Emma back into his arms.

"Hey, Ems, you wanna go watch cartoons with Uncle Joey?"

"JOY!" Emma shouted gleefully, obviously pleased at the prospect of seeing her fun-loving "uncle".  Chandler laughed at Emma's version of "Joey" and winked at Monica as he opened the door.

"Make sure he's not watching Baywatch!" Monica called as they walked out and he acknowledged the statement only with raised eyebrows.  He knocked briefly on the door across the hall and walked in to find Joey sitting at the kitchen counter with a carton of ice cream.  

"Hey Joe, will you watch Emma for a few minutes?"

Joey swallowed his mouthful and winced at the head rush.  

"Sure.  Where ya going?"

"Nowhere.  I just…well, I want to talk to Monica alone for a minute."

Joey nodded knowingly and gave Chandler a sly grin as he took Emma.  

"Yeah, baby…"  

"Joey, just watch my daughter, please.  And I promised her cartoons."

"No problem.   SpongeBob SquarePants is on in five minutes."  (AN: I have no idea what that is, but I've heard it's cute...)  Joey noticed Chandler's look and paused, his brow furrowed.  "I think I watch Emma too much."

Chandler shook his head and headed for the door, blowing a kiss to Emma which she returned.  He paused in the hallway, knowing Monica was waiting for him, just a few feet away.  In seconds, he was standing in front of her, reaching for her hand and pulling her a little closer to him.

"Hi," he whispered, reaching out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear.  
            "Hi."

"I've been thinking about you all day."

"Me too.  I couldn't wait for you to get here."

"Really?"

"Really."

"So…how many times did you clean the bathroom today?"

"Ummmm…four."

"Four?  Really?  You _were_ anxious."

            "Are we going to talk about bathrooms for much longer, because I was under the impression that you took Emma across the hall so you-"

            Chandler cut her off with the kiss she was expecting, and she immediately melted against him, wrapping her arms around his neck and letting his hair sift through her fingers.  Chandler cradled her face with one hand, the other arm circling her waist and holding her close.  Monica finally pulled away, breathless, and opened her eyes to find Chandler smiling back at her, his blue eyes sparkling.  

            "Well, now that that's done, I'll go get Emma."

            He teasingly turned to go, but Monica grabbed his arm and pulled him back to her.  Chandler didn't need any encouragement to meet her lips again, and he sighed happily when they finally parted.  He leaned forward slightly to brush his lips across her forehead and pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly.  He couldn't believe they had only been "back together" for a day…he felt as if nothing had ever changed.  Monica leaned against him, her head on his shoulder, perfectly content.  Neither of them spoke for several minutes, until Monica shifted her position and reluctantly pulled away.

            "We really should go get Emma.  I don't want her to feel like we're ignoring her in favor of each other – first last night at Ross's and now Joey's."

            "I know.  I really will go get her now…I just wasn't sure how she would react if she saw us kissing, and I couldn't help myself…"

            Monica smiled, her eyes lighting up at his words.

            "You're so cute…" Monica whispered as she stroked his cheek gently.

            Chandler smiled back and kissed her softly.

            "You're kinda cute yourself, Geller."

           Monica adjusted the bow on the last gift, and placed it with the rest of the pile that had overflowed from her closet over the past few days.  They were treating Emma's first birthday like it was Christmas.  When Emma woke up in the morning, they'd surprise her with a pile of presents, colorful balloons and banners, and a small cake – the big one would be for the party with their friends tomorrow night.  After the festivities they had planned, Emma was sure to be unimpressed by "Santa Claus" in a few weeks.  (AN:  If Monica was two months pregnant in May – when Chandler was going to propose – that means Emma would have been born in December… and she was a couple of weeks early, so I guess we're talking around Thanksgiving sometime.)

            "I think we're ready."

            "Hmmm…you think?"  Chandler asked sarcastically from his spot on Monica's bed.  He'd been telling her they were ready for more than an hour, but Monica wanted everything to be perfect.  So did Chandler, of course, but Emma was only a year old!  How much of this was she even going to understand?

            "Shut up, Chandler." Monica walked over to lie down next to him, putting her head on his shoulder and draping an arm over his chest.  "Thank you for helping me."

            Chandler smiled and kissed her, all sarcasm gone.  "You don't have to thank me.  She's my daughter, too."

            "So now…I guess we just wait for her to wake up."  

Chandler laughed at Monica's disappointed tone, knowing exactly what she was thinking.  

            "You leave her alone…I don't want you "accidentally" waking her up by banging pots and pans around while you're "making breakfast".

            Monica looked like she wanted to argue for a moment, but she finally shrugged and relented.

            "Okay, I won't.  Promise," she added when she saw Chandler's doubtful face, leaning forward to kiss him so he wouldn't question her further.  "Well, I guess there's nothing else for us to do…"

            "But go to sleep," Chandler finished, triumphantly flicking off the lamp on his side of the bed.  Monica reluctantly reached for the light on her side, then let herself relax as Chandler's arms went around her, pulling her close as he kissed her softly.

            "Just think about where we were a year ago, Mon.  Both of us alone, both of us so hurt and angry.  It's amazing how far we've come."

            "Yeah…sometimes I still can't believe that all of this really happened.  It just feels like it was all a bad dream when I'm lying here with you like this."

            "Monica…if there had been no Emma, do you think you would have married Richard?"

            Monica moved closer to him in the darkness, struggling to see his face in the dim light from the window.  She stroked his cheek with one hand, hoping he would hear the truth in her answer.

            "Of course not.  Emma had nothing to do with Richard…I didn't marry him because you were the only man I could love."

            "But…Emma was what held us together when we were trying so hard to pretend that we wanted nothing to do with each other.  Sometimes, I think…if it hadn't been for her, we would have never found our way back."

            Monica was silent, not daring to voice what she was thinking.  But if Chandler wanted to think like that…she might have never even _considered _marrying Richard if she hadn't been pregnant and thinking that Chandler didn't even want marriage _or_ a family.  That would be blaming Emma for the whole mess, and that wasn't fair – or true.

            "No…I think we would have.  Emma might have been what physically held us together, but our hearts, Chandler…in our hearts, we were always tied together.  Don't you think so?"

            There was a long pause as Chandler thought about that.  Finally he sighed and tightened his arms around her.  

            "Yeah, you're right.  Not that it matters.  We're here now, the three of us - together.  It doesn't matter how we got here."

            They were both silent for a long time.  Monica thought Chandler was already asleep when he spoke softly.

            "Monica, I don't want to play games anymore.  After everything we've been through – the confusion over things said and things not said – it just seems stupid not to tell you how I feel."

            Monica felt panic grip her heart.  He sounded so serious…She was sure he was going to tell her that he didn't love her, not like he used to, and that he couldn't go on like this anymore.  She was already on the verge of tears before he spoke again, this time in a whisper.

            "I love you.  I love you so much.  I loved you from the beginning, and I loved you every second we were apart, and I love you even more now than I did when I first decided that I wanted to marry you.  I love Emma…" His voice cracked, but there was only a split second pause before he went on, his voice strong and sure again.  "…more than I thought I could love anyone in the world.  And I realized a few months ago that all I really care about is coming home to the two of you, every day.  Nothing else matters.  Not Richard, not our mistakes, not whatever trick fate played on us…I'm ready, Monica.  I'm ready to put the past to rest – completely.  The past doesn't matter anymore.  I want to think about my future…and I want it to be with you and our daughter."

            Monica was too stunned to respond.  She studied his face, her eyes having adjusted enough to the darkness to be able to make out his features.  He gazed back at her, waiting for her to say something…to give him some indication that he should finish the rest of his speech.  When she finally spoke, her voice was so soft he could barely hear her.

            "Oh, Chandler…everything you just said…that's exactly what I feel…"

            Chandler breathed a sigh of relief, his face breaking into a smile.  

            "Do you love me?"

            "Of course I love you.  I've never loved anyone like I love you."

            Having received the answer he needed – and therefore his cue - Chandler reached under the pillow to retrieve the box he had put there earlier in the evening.  He grabbed her left hand, sliding the ring gently onto her finger and then kissing her hand as he lifted his eyes back to hers.

            "Marry me?" he pleaded in a whisper, his heart thumping with nerves and anticipation.  He felt like he lived another lifetime in the half second it took Monica to realize what he had just asked her and to form the answer she would have given if he'd had the chance to ask more than eighteen months ago.

            "Yes…"  

That's it!  The END!  YAY!!!!!!!!!  

You should be glad I didn't do all the stuff I had originally planned to do.  Then this story would have been another three or four chapters.  But, actually, I have an epilogue idea all worked out – let me know if you want it.  I'll probably put it up even if you don't!  =)

**"This Love Will Last"**

**Chris Isaak**  
  
If I had to tell now the way I feel about you I'd say nothing.  
'Cause when I try to tell how I feel you know I'd only end up crying.  
This love will last. This love will last.  
  
Remembering back times now I know these bad times could never last forever.  
Wiser men than me have told me what to do when hurt and I'd forgive her.  
This love will last. This love will last.  
  
So take your hand and put your hand in mine and tell me,  
that you'll never leave me, forever, together, two lovers for forever.  
This love will last. This love will last.  
  
If I had to tell now the way I feel about you I'd say nothing.  
'Cause when I try to tell how I feel you know I'd only end up crying.  
This love will last. This love will last.  
This love will last.


	16. I Could Not Ask For More

_TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Epilogue_

_"I Could Not Ask For More"_

_AN:  I came very close to not posting this at all – and just letting the story end with Monica saying yes.  But…I went ahead and wrote this, so I decided to post it even if I did want to just let it end.  So be forgiving!  _

Monica pulled into the carport and wearily turned off the ignition.  Chandler had left the garage light on to welcome her, and she knew that when she opened the door to the house, the kitchen would be well lit as well.  He knew how much she hated coming home to a dark house.   

            She unlocked the door and stepped inside, laying her keys on the table.  She cast a quick glance around the kitchen to make sure he had cleaned up after dinner, and smiled when all she saw were spotless white counters.  He'd even loaded the dishwasher.  

            "Chandler?  Honey, where are you?"

            No answer.  That meant only one thing.  She smiled and headed for the stairs, turning off the lights as she went so they wouldn't have to come back downstairs.  She headed straight for Emma's room and found exactly what she expected.  Her husband and daughter were lying side by side in the bed, both asleep.  A book was lying closed on Chandler's chest, suggesting that he had indeed finished the story and decided to lie there with his sleeping daughter for awhile – and then fallen asleep himself.  

            Monica smiled as she gazed at them, knowing that if she had no other reason to love Chandler, just seeing him like this with Emma would be enough.  She walked over to the bed, making sure her 3-½ year old daughter was covered and looked comfortable.  After kissing her forehead, Monica rose from Emma's side of the bed and walked over to kneel beside Chandler.  

            "Hey sleepyhead," she whispered fondly, ruffling his hair to wake him up as she kissed him lightly.  Chandler moaned and shifted before slowly opening his eyes and looking up at her.  He smiled lazily and reached out to rub her arm.

            "Hey…how was work?"

            "Okay…I hate working late, though.  I miss the whole evening with you and Emma."

            "We missed you too…"  Chandler sat up slowly and leaned over to kiss Emma on the cheek before he stood up and reached for Monica, his face concerned.  "Tired?"  

            "A little," she admitted, trying to look more awake than she felt.  She wanted to spend some time with Chandler before they went to sleep, and she knew he would insist on rest if she let on just how tired she really was.  Hoping to avoid more questions, she gestured pointedly at their sleeping daughter, kissing her good night one last time before leading Chandler to their room next door so they wouldn't disturb her.  As soon as the door was closed behind them, Monica wrapped her arms around Chandler, lifting her face for his welcoming kiss.  Chandler smiled at her, then pulled back so he could study her face.

            "Are you hungry?  I'll make you dinner…"

            "No, I'm fine – I ate on my break.  All I want right now is some clothes that don't smell like an Italian restaurant and my husband."

            Chandler hugged her more tightly in response, kissing the top of her head as she leaned against him.  

            "I think that can be arranged…"

            Monica pulled back and ran her hands through his hair, letting them rest at the nape of his neck.  

"Let me take a quick shower and then I'm yours.  Okay?"

            "Okay."  Chandler watched his wife walk into the bathroom - pulling her hair up into a bun as she went - and listened for the sound of the shower starting before he changed into his boxers and an old NYU t-shirt and stretched out on the bed to wait for her.  He reached idly for the picture that rested on his bedside table, and smiled as his eyes fell on the familiar image.  His wedding day.  He could remember it so vividly – the rush of nerves when Ross grinned and told him it was time…his beautiful daughter preceding Monica down the aisle, her terrified face making everyone smile…the shock that went through his whole body when Monica appeared at the back of the church, her eyes meeting his instantly and the look of love and happiness on her face expelling any fears he had.  It had been perfect.  Absolutely romantic in every way.

            Chandler looked up as Monica walked out of the bathroom – one of his old t-shirts hanging loosely on her body – and held out one arm to her as he sat up and leaned against the headboard.  She came to him willingly and settled into his arms, smiling when she noticed the picture in his hands.   

            "Can you believe it'll be two years in a couple of months?"

            "The most amazing two years of my life."

            "Mine too…"

            Chandler put the picture back on the table and laid down, pulling Monica with him and wrapping his arms securely around her.  Monica turned her head to kiss him deeply and Chandler returned the kiss, smiling against her lips as he slowly slid his hands under the hem of the t-shirt Monica was wearing so he could rub her stomach gently.              

            "When do you think we should tell Emma?"

            Monica sighed and closed her eyes, enjoying Chandler's caresses.  

            "I don't know…maybe we should wait until I'm showing and she starts asking why Mommy's getting fat and ugly."

            "You won't be fat and ugly, sweetheart, you'll be pregnant and beautiful.  And…you _are _showing."

            "I am not.  I was wearing tight jeans and a tank top this morning and even _I _couldn't tell.  It's just your imagination."

            "No, really, you are."  Chandler pulled her shirt up to reveal her bare – and flat - abdomen and stroked it lightly.  "See, there's a bump…right there."  He kissed her stomach for good measure, and grinned up at her.  "That's our baby."

            Monica smiled at the boyish grin on his face.  She still thought that whatever he thought he was seeing was just wishful thinking, but she was glad he was so happy.  They were both excited.  

            "Sweetie, you know it doesn't count if I have to be naked for you to tell."  

Chandler smiled, and moved back up to lay beside her, kissing her gently on the neck as he put his arms back around her and pulled her against him.  

"I don't know who told you that – anything that involves you being naked counts for me."

            "I think we established that a long time ago, honey," Monica told him with a smile, shifting her position so that her head rested against his heart, their hands joined together over the spot where there baby - according to Chandler – was beginning to make an appearance.  She listened to the slow and steady rhythm of his heart for a minute, feeling calmness spread over her as a result of the reassuring sound.  

            "Do you think we'll have a boy or a girl?" 

            "A boy," Chandler answered without hesitation.  Monica looked up at him, surprised by his confidence.  

            "Really?  What makes you so sure?"

            "I don't know…just a feeling, I guess.  What do you think it'll be?"

            Monica smiled.  "I think it's a boy, too," she admitted.

            "You know it's going to be a girl now, just to spite us."

            "So you think this is going to be our "rebellious" child?"

            "Depends on how much of your stubbornness he inherits."

            "Funny, Bing.  You better keep in mind that you're dealing with a moody pregnant woman here.  I could kill you, blame it on hormones, and probably get away with it."

            Chandler laughed and kissed her on the forehead.  

            "I love your stubbornness, babe.  It just makes you passionate.  But I must admit I'm glad Emma's a little more easy-going.  That personality trait is a lot more attractive in a wife than a child."

            Monica accepted this without comment, and they were quiet for a few minutes until Chandler spoke again.

            "Did you think Emma was going to be a girl?"

            Monica heard the slight note of sadness in his voice, and knew exactly what he was thinking.  She'd seen it in his eyes several time over the past few days, and had wondered if he was going to bring it up.  All of the excitement and planning and late night talks about the new baby only reminded both of them that he hadn't been there for this when she was pregnant with Emma.

            "Yeah…I knew she was going to be a girl.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind."

            Chandler nodded, one hand stroking her hair gently.  

            "Did you ever…wonder what I would think?  If I had been there for you to ask?"

            "Every night…" Monica whispered, hoping her answer wouldn't make him feel worse, but knowing they both needed to be honest about this.  There was another pause before Chandler spoke again.

            "Did you resent me?  Because I wasn't there?"

            "No…I wished you were with me every day, but I never resented you.  You had your reasons.  I certainly understood that."

            "I would have resented me…I never realized how much I missed while you were pregnant with her…until now.  I'm sorry that I wasn't there.  I'm sorry you didn't have me to share all of this with."

            "It wasn't your fault, baby.  You didn't know…"

            "I'm not sure that's an excuse, but I can't help it now.  All I can do is promise that I will never leave you again…that I will be here to watch both of our children grow up with you, to hold you in my arms every night, to kiss you each morning when you open your eyes…and to love you every day for the rest of our lives."

            "That sounded like wedding vows," Monica stated with a smile, squeezing his hand to let him know how much his words meant to her.  "But I promise you all of the same things.  And Chandler, I don't want you to ever think that you've let me down or disappointed me.  You make me so happy…"

            Chandler kissed her gently, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against hers.  

            "You make me happy, too, Mon.  And I want to thank you for making me a husband and a father… not just physically but emotionally too.  I don't think I could have done it with anyone but you.  I love you so much."

            "Oh, sweetie.  I love you too.  I'm glad we're having another baby together."

            "Me too.  So what are we going to call this one?"

"Well, I think that will depend a lot on whether it's a boy or a girl."

"You know, if it happens to be another girl, we can call her Caroline."

"Caroline?  That's pretty.  I never knew you liked that name." 

"Well, I thought we could continue our trend of naming them _"_after" Ross's ex-wives.  "Emma" is for Emily, "Caroline" can be for Carol.  Then the next girl can be…what sounds like Rachel?"

"Sweetie, let's not go that route.  I think that will involve having to have far more children than we really want if we have a daughter for each of Ross's wives."

'Yeah, you're right.  Plus, after we named one for Rachel, we'd have to name one for Phoebe or she would get upset and claim she was being discriminated against because she hadn't married Ross."

"Yeah, let's not get into politics with Phoebe.  That can be dangerous.  Besides, we just agreed that we think this one's a boy."

"Right.  So we can rule out Ross and Joseph so we don't have to worry about the other getting jealous, as well as Richard, Pete, Ethan, Bobby, Julio, and the name of every other guy you've ever dated.  Especially Richard."

"I don't know, babe.  I kind of like Julio.  Julio Bing."

"If you did that to our child, you would be even worse than my parents."

"I didn't suggest middle-naming him Muriel…"

"And you won't suggest it either.  And I know you're going to eventually go on a "Jr." kick, so I'll tell you now that our son will not be named Chandler.  No negotiating."

"Boy, you're strict.  So what do you suggest, Mr. Bing?"

"I suggest that we get some sleep, since Emma will have both of us up early in the morning and you and our baby need your rest.  Besides," he paused and kissed her softly.  "We still have months to decide, even if it is fun to talk about it now."

"Okay, if you insist," Monica agreed with a yawn, suddenly remembering how tired she was.  She lifted herself up to turn off the lamp beside them, then kissed him good night before settling down in the comfort of his arms.  

"Good night, baby.  Love you."

"I love you, too, sweetie."  He pulled himself out from under her just enough to kiss her stomach.  "Both of you.  Sweet dreams."

"You too," Monica murmured before she dropped off to sleep.  Chandler listened to her even breathing for awhile, then finally closed his eyes.  Emma would be bouncing on their bed to wake them up in just a few hours, much more anxious for them to get up and start a new day than he would be.  But even as he dropped off to sleep, he couldn't help looking forward to it…waking up with his wife and unborn child in his arms and his daughter grinning at him with blue eyes so much like her mother's…

He finally had the life he'd always dreamed about – even when he was afraid his dreams would never come true.  He had everything he'd ever wanted, everything that mattered, all in the house with him at that moment.  There was nothing left for him to wish for.

The END!!!!  For real this time.  

"I Could Not Ask For More" 

Edwin McCain

Lying here with you, listening to the rain 

_Smiling just to see the smile upon your face_

_These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive_

_These are the moments I'll remember all my life_

_I've found all I've waited for_

_And I could not ask for more_

_Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need_

_Everything you are is everything to me_

_These are the moments I know Heaven must exist_

_These are the moments I know all I need is this_

_I have all I've waited for_

_And I could not ask for more_

_I could not ask for more than this time together_

I could not ask for more than this time with you 

_Every prayer has been answered_

_Every dream I've had's come true_

_Right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be_

_Oh, here with you, here with me…_

_These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive_

_These are the moments I'll remember all my life_

_I've got all I've waited for_

And I could not ask for more 

_I could not ask for more than this time together_

_I could not ask for more than this time with you_

_Every prayer has been answered_

_Every dream I've had's come true_

_Right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be_

_Here with you, here with me…_

_I could not ask for more than the love you give me_

_'Cause it's all I've waited for_

_And I could not ask for more…_

_And I could not ask for more…_


End file.
